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It probably would have helped to set expectations in the years leading up to this, but essentially I would just lay the facts out. “We have saved X amount for your college over the years and this is what it covers. If you want to go to a school that costs more than X, you will have to pay the difference by working or taking loans.”
I think this is reasonable and is what my parents told me when I could have gone to Cornell or Georgetown. I went to a state school instead and am perfectly happy with it. If they throw a tantrum, I think that just reinforces that it is time for them to realize some of the hard choices they will have to make as they transition to adulthood. Hopefully they realize that $160k over 4 years is a very thoughtful gift.
It sounded like you offered to pay but it shouldn't be a blank check to anywhere they want. You had a budget as a gift right? Not necessarily an investment (even though it kinda is). But if it really is a gift then daughter would get to choose where to spend that gift not ask for a bigger gift.
Offer to pay what ever you budgeted. They want to goto more expensive school they cover the difference. That's how life works.
If ex says they can go anywhere they want Ex can support the difference.
It's important for daughter to learn adult responsibilities. and youre already doing so much to provide whatever you are providing.
You're not a bad parent.
if your ex is blackmailing you to do something you did not intend to do. If she is sending messages to your daughter that you're a bad parent if you aren't paying for something ex promised that is messed up... And it happens where an ex will use the children to turn against the other parent.
Set some boundaries to her and to daughter. Healthy boundaries.
- Would one school present more opportunity (short term or long term) than another based on reputation?
- Is the program they want to study more reputable at one or another?
- Would getting into post-bach be influenced by one versus another?
The actual cost difference ($17k x 4) is your baseline but measuring it against soft value is what makes this decision so difficult.
I know that the $55K school doesn't provide any more value over the cheaper state school. I think that she is basically influenced by the location. The top ranked public school is obviously better but I don't think $30K a year better. It's costing us more because it is out of state. I don't think it will hurt my daughters in any way if they go to the state school as ultimately both of them have grad school plans. Where they go for grad school is what has more value for them in my mind but I can't get them to understand that.
Talking logic to a 17/18 year old on the true value of one university versus another is an uphill battle. Ask my 18 year old self for reference. Thank you for sharing; lessons for the rest of us who aren’t quite there yet.
Which is more difficult, managing client or children expectations? 🤪
UC Berkeley or UCLA?
Michigan