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Rising Star
Keep in mind that the girls here saying they would be turned off or it won’t turn out are old single and aging lol. Just state it with pure intentions, i have always stated it and it was always well received. In fact most girls I’ve talked to found it attractive and a sign of “manliness”. Put it out there
Rising Star
Projection is a helluva drug
“hey so to ask a serious question, how do you think this is going? You can be completely honest. On my end, I really like you for x,y,z reasons and haven’t clicked with someone this well in so long. And I know we have similar wavelengths on many things, like religion. And in my effort to be the best Muslim I can, I plan to improve myself in these ways: <list stuff>. What would be your list?”
And then take it from there. Or just be honest upfront. I personally neither know you nor her so this is just generic advice
You are giving it a chance as you don’t know the answer yet. To me, that shouldn’t affect your conscience. You may get more attached regardless of the differences, in that case a heartbreak will teach you many other lessons. I think one needs a few heartbreaks before finding the right person.
Rising Star
Be honest but also be prepared to lose her. A man telling a woman how to dress is very triggering for most women. If she talks about it with her friends, then you’ll have a dozen hens talking her into breaking it off because you’re “controlling”.
Even though it’s not really you saying it, you’re just being the messenger for what Allah has decreed, but such is the world we live in.
Rising Star
SC1, I never said he has any rights over her. My first sentence said he should be prepared to lose her. She’s well within her right to call it off if she disagrees.
OP, if she knew you better perhaps she would be able to look at you as a whole person and perhaps one compromise against a million similarities might’ve looked trivial enough, but given it’s so early this is very likely going to kill it if you tell her now. You could take the risk of getting there but obviously by then both will be more emotionally invested and will have to bear the heartache, if it breaks off. If you want to broach the subject in a less stressful way perhaps bring up hijab in some other context.
Both of you should communicate your dealbreakers, if you haven’t done so already. You are in the early stages of talking. It’s best to be honest so both of you can make the correct decisions for yourselves. I am curious as to why you approached someone who you can see does not dress modestly if that is so important to you. Try to reflect on that so you don’t inadvertently lead people on
Good to see that you’re taking accountability. Now that you know, just be honest so neither of you get hurt
I personally don’t think it’s going to work in a relationship if one is tempted to say smth over how the other one dresses. You should accept her the way she is. She is an adult and chose to dress this way. That means she might have a different mindset than yours. If you tell her you wish she dressed differently and she listens to you and does so because she’s in infatuation phase, she’ll most likely resent it when everything settles down and routine life kicks in. I would not comment on how she dresses imho - it’s insulting in a way for any grown up (they chose how to dress/present themselves). I think you should look for someone else who’s better aligned with your priorities. Don’t think you can change a person (that’s naive). I’ve seen many girls who did what their bf/husbands said (even started wearing hijab) in the beginning of relationship/marriage because everything was new and exciting and rosy. After time and when life became routine many of them resented and divorced (some who had started wearing hijab after getting married dropped hijab once they got divorced; that’s because it didn’t come from within. If it was, they would not have dropped hijab after divorce). So I’d say be careful.
Thank you, I appreciate your perspective. Great point about the infatuation stage, didn't think of that at all.
It's great you know what your deal breakers are. If you feel you have a true connection, explain it purely. This is your deal breaker and you would obviously never force, but if that's how she wants to live her life, then you are on different pages.
Thank you! I appreciate it
This is what I’ve understood, please correct me if I am wrong, Islam tells men to lower their gaze, men aren’t obligated to tell women to wear the hijab( or dress in a certain way), men are obligated to lower their gaze, it is up to the woman how they want to dress, at the end of the day they know what their responsible for from an Islamic point of view and make their decision based on what they’re comfortable with.
As far as the original posters comments / questions are concerned : I fear that this may not be the right fit in the long term. If you feel strongly about how one should dress( modestly ) then please pursue women that are already in that stage of their life, this will save you both from heartbreak later down the line
As a woman, I would be very turned off if a guy told me how to dress. Or had a preference over how I dressed. She’s probably on Hinge because she doesn’t prefer the traditional Muslims (same probably for you.) Accept her as she is and see if this is a true connection, otherwise, if this is a deal breaker, then end it.
Me too!
ASA all,
As an update, we decided not to go through with it. This topic never ended up needing to be brought up as a discussion point. There were other reasons this wasn't meant to work out.
Allah knows best and I'm glad he put a stop to it before I was able to become more emotionally invested.
Really appreciate all of the advice from you guys.
(cont).... that I need to bring up now before we get more serious about pursuing this further.
She does not always dress modestly (such as short dresses that go well above the thigh).
While I'm not adamant that my future wife must wear a hijab and be 100% covered up all the time, I also cannot accept my future wife dressing like this out in public, despite her ticking off all the other boxes.
Best case scenario would be for her to come to this realization on her own and be willing to dress a little more modestly. But I can't just wait for this to happen on its own, because it might not. Nor do I ever want to give an ultimatum. But this is a deal breaker for me.
I acknowledge that I'm far from a perfect Muslim and I want to avoid coming off as a controlling hypocrite. So any change from her would really need to come from within.
I'm not sure how/if I should explain all of this to her or just end things quietly while I can.
Open to hearing your thoughts.
Tbh its depend on how long you guys have been together but like everyone said if her dress is a dealbreaker for you than just put it out there otherwise you both will be in constant arguments. I really hope you guys do sort out this issue, but always stick to whats right for you. She should be able to understand whats her priorities before you guys take it further
I wouldn’t like it at all if someone told me how I should dress.
How did you guys meet?
Hinge 😊
Rising Star
Salaam my brother - would you rather she dress modestly and not pray or vice versa?
Its like saying would you rather drink and pray or not drink and pray? There is no logic to your question.
Brother… i would call this off! She will not change for you and nor should u change for her! Keep in mind that even if she “changes” for you i would not trust her. I do not believe people change, i had a fiance and everytime i did not agree with her she went back to the old self. So lessons learned if you do not change for Allah, she should not change for you. And if someone does not make you feel like yourseld, thats not the right person for you
Take her shopping one day and shop together
So I end up like you? A hurt, bitter, and prejudiced person? No thanks
OP - a sister who wears hijab just posted in this bowl. Hit her up. You never know!