Related Posts
Is Visa a stingy company?
More Posts
Bowl Leader
Conversation Starter
Is this true ?
Bowl Leader
Bain & Company Any Knowledge Analyst from Boston Consulting Group Bain & Company McKinsey & Company or any other consulting firm in this group?
I wanted to learn about how and what you guys do with the data provided by the backend office. Wanted to learn about the entire process in depth.
Additional Posts in Confession
Visual Storyteller
Chief
Enthusiast
Rising Star
Conversation Starter
Pro
Rising Star
Does this just sound wrong to anyone else?
New to Fishbowl?
Download the Fishbowl app to
unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.
unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.
Pro
Yes, I think you might be selfish a bit. Not sure if you know what it’s like to have visa issues in a foreign country and not be able to see your own family for years. It took me 13 years to get my green card and finally see my family. At times it was so soul-crushing that I contemplated same as your girlfriend - just paying someone to marry me so I can finally see my family. That didn’t mean that I viewed marriage casually - I was just desperately trying to solve a problem that was weighing on me for years. Put yourself in her shoes. She is away from her family, misses them terribly and here you are telling her how you are going to see her family while she is wishing that it could be her going to see them. If you are serious about her and you are sure you want to marry her then just take her to the town hall and do it so she can start her green card process and you can both go see her family together. If you want to marry her anyway why not speed it up to take that weight of her chest?
Enthusiast
100% this. I’ve been in a similar situation and you can tell from a lot of comments on this thread, people just do not understand the struggle of visa issues.
I was confused when you said you were taking a trip to see her family, because isn't the whole problem that she can't visit them? Then I realzied you mean you told her you were going to go visit her family... without her. Knowing how hard it's been for her to go so long without seeing them, not knowing when she'll see them again, yet you're planning to leave her behind and go see them alone? You didn't even tell her about the proposal so she thinks you're just casually going to visit her family while she's in so much pain being separated from them and has no idea when they'll be reunited.
I can see why she reacted the way she did. What reaction did you think you would get from telling her you're now going to see her family she's missed so much while she's left behind with the pain of years of separation...
How could you not see sooner that she misses her family that much? Marrying a stranger so she could see her finally see her family again says nothing about her views on marriage. It would not be a real marriage, it'd purely be a legal transaction. A piece of paper that'd allow her to get another piece of paper so she can finally leave the country to see her family. Marriage in the way I assume you mean it is *a lot* more than a piece of paper and legal transaction. She could have done that a while ago instead of being with you for years seeing your relationship through. It's unfair to discount her dedication to your relationship over that comment.
Why go in person to ask them? Under other circumstances in-person can be a nice gesture. In this case it's a lot more meaningful to reunite your wife with her family after years apart, than for you to leave her behind and see them alone for a mere formality. You know you want to marry her, so talk to her family on the phone or on video chat and propose. You don't need drag it out longer than necessary. Have a courthouse wedding and go see her family together, you could even have a wedding ceremony with her family and friends from home.
This!
2/2
While crying she whispers to me, I’m just gonna pay for someone to marry me.
I was speechless. Just when I had already started making plans of popping the question, I find out that she misses family so much that she’s willing to marry a stranger just so she could get her greencard.
I haven’t spoken to her since. A voice in my head tells me that this doesn’t change the fact that we have an otherwise awesome relationship, but another voice tells me why should I be with someone who can just take something like marriage so casually? Am I missing something here? Am I being selfish?
She doesn’t really want to pay someone to marry her. She wants you to do so. Prove she is really important to you. Talk to her. Make it work or at least try. People with green cards get really scared when they can’t see their future.
I’m pretty sure this was a bad way of telling you she wants you to propose. Either way y’all need to communicate better. Tell her how you feel about what she said and ask her what she meant
Enthusiast
It looks like she is unable to travel home to see her family because of her visa status. It doesn't look like bringing them to the country is the main issue right now but her own visa status. Meaning if she leaves to go see them, she won't be able to come back
Hey everyone. I really appreciate all the comments, even the more blunt ones. I have a lot more clarity now. I’m hoping I could still make things right.
Yes please tell us!! Good luck
Let me get this straight, you told her that you were going to make a visit back to both of your home country to visit HER family, a visit that she would not be able to join because of her visa issues, and were expecting her NOT to get emotional over that?
She is desperate to see the people who you just said you were going to visit. She’s she’s probably devastated at the idea of you getting to go on this trip and her having to stay here. She was absolutely not serious about marrying someone else, but she is upset for good reason. You dangled the one thing she wants most in front of her and you both know you could solve the problem by proposing to her (something she clearly wants anyway given her comment). And then after you did that you ignored her for days. Of course, you are not obligated to marry her. But you are obligated to take her feelings into account and you shouldn’t ascribe bad motives to her—put yourself in her position.
This one gets it ^^
Lolz at the very clear distinction between the men and women responding here.
Women: clearly she’s hurting and wants you to marry her, feels like you’re not ready but she is and feels rejected but doesn’t want to outright ask because that is not romantic.
Men: I am so confused right now.
Hint - listen to the ladies. Good luck and report back.
Act of fraud would be to pay someone, this is not purely transactional, he should see beyond himself and see the urgency. He has to understand she does not have luxury to wait endlessly. Does he love her or not? Two years is enough to know. Coming from someone whose husband needed paper within certain time, otherwise the wait for GC in his LIFETIME would be almost impossible for him.
Enthusiast
Dude she wanted you to propose 😂😂😂
Enthusiast
OP is a permanent resident, almost the same privileges as a citizen minus the fact that PRs can't vote
Rising Star
If I was at the point of desperation where I'm considering paying someone to marry me, I would just use my big girl words and ask my boyfriend if marriage is in the near future. Ideally that conversation would have taken place earlier in the 2 years.
I'm the daughter of immigrants. I have cousins who haven't been home in decades because they don't have green cards. I know couples who have divorced so that one of them can get a greencard, then later remarried after citizenship for one of them was secured. I had several friends who were seriously concerned about their status during that last presidency. This is a serious issue, not a thinly veiled, hinted at ultimatum issue.
And all these people talking about OP can't take a hint. He's traveling outside the country to go meet with her parents in person. My manager traveled one state over to go have lunch with his gf's (now fiancée) mother, and they all knew what that meal was about before it even happened.
Rising Star
You're right. He should have started discussing solutions around the second time she started crying instead of letting it be.
You have to be careful with this fake marriage thing though. I know couples who have successfully done the whole divorce/marry/divorce/remarry situation. The most recent couple though, the husband decided he wasn't going to remarry the original wife after divorcing the greencard wife. He didn't tell his wife or daughter, but he was letting other people know his exit plan. It never panned out that way because the greencard wife died from covid, and the husband got it really bad and the original wife took care of him, so they're still together. But without the pandemic, who knows what would have happened.
I feel like both parties have to be comfortable and confident in their relationship for it to still be standing on the other end. OP's reaction and the lack of communication between the two has me thinking they're not there yet. It seems like OP sees this situation as an affront to the sanctity of marriage, and the girlfriend could end up resentful that she has to pay a stranger to be husband and fake a relationship for the feds, even after being with OP for 2 years.
OP - You need to develop better conflict management skills and communication. You cannot run at the first feeling of discomfort bc you heard something you didn’t like.
Immigration is a highly complex psychological experience. Our minds and hearts experience both gratitude for better opportunities but deep nostalgia to leave families behind, it can feel like a constant heart break. Then the challenge of getting a visa/green card creates a lot of internal stress and unrest.
I can understand the desperation one reaches to think about a business “marriage on paper” for a green card, and I have sympathy for anyone who reaches that breaking point. I would never judge and neither should you. This isn’t a “casual approach to marriage” this is pure pain, vulnerability and desperation…which you can confirm with her.
You told her you’re going to go visit her family without her, and you knew she struggles with the pain so I ask 1) were you sensitive with your delivery and 2) can you try to look at her pain from an objective perspective? She wasn’t dissing you or your relationship, don’t take it personally.
So she would rather pay another stranger to marry them for citizenship, rather than marry her partner of 2 years for the same citizenship? What kind of logic is that
You both have to make better communication with each other about your intentions.
She’s obviously afraid to communicate that with you maybe because she also don’t want to force you to marry her just because of visa but don’t know how to start or open the conversation. It seems like she was also in a very emotional state when she said this. Not making an excuse but you’re obviously on the upperhand and in control of where this relationship is going. Just tell her how you feel about the comment and your true intentions.
It blows my mind where couples go through years without talking about marriage or kids or future plans. Hope it works out for both of you. Immigration is stressful and messy.
Chief
To reiterate what others have said, she was “casually” dropping a hint at an ultimatum. She wants you to marry her or else she’s going to find someone else to do a transactional visa marriage. The love isn’t part of this equation. She’s just looking for a solution to her problem of staying in this country and going home to visit her family and home.
TLDR; start dropping hints that you intend on marrying her soon. Get her engaged before you take a trip home or else she will resent you while you are away.
What many people are missing is that her choice of words and timing would make ANY man believe that she just wanted to get married for immigration.
This is a deeply concerning approach from her and really erodes trust both short term and long term.
She acted selfishly and she has to do a lot of work to earn back the trust.
Enthusiast
Context often drives choice of words
I don’t need a green card but the situation in the US is almost like bonded labor. You are allowed into the country once you get through the visa process but once you’re in you’re put through fire hoops to try and maintain your legal residency
Personally I think it’s inhumane to think that even if you are here legally and are contributing to the economy you can’t go visit your family, you can’t step outside US borders and you can’t switch jobs easily.
Not to mention if your kids came with you when they were tiny and were raised here and consider themselves Americans, there’s a real chance once they turn 18 they’d have to leave the country and start the process all over again. That’s assuming they can even get into the process to begin with.
Wtf man.. I go back home to redneck country every Thanksgiving and/or Christmas if I can. I’d lose my mind if I couldn’t. What are we, a gulag or people in the free world?
Are you Indian?
Y’all need to just have a conversation when she’s not feeling overwhelmed with emotion. Ask her what she meant when she said that. Tell her how much she means to you. Be honest and vulnerable with your feelings. If you’re both not ready and able to have that kind of conversation you’re not ready to get married.
Rising Star
If she misses her family and seemingly wants to return, why would she want to marry a stranger to stay in present country? Doesn't make sense. I question her judgement and y'all's communication. Also, you said "had" a good relationship. Past tense. Lots to unpack here, seems suspicious.
Enthusiast
Marriage to a an eligible us citizen/ gc holder lets her apply for a gc for herself. Then while waiting for gc interview, she would get a work and travel card in the interim which would mean she can go visit her family and still be able to get back into the US.
She’s basically so desperate to see her family and be able to still live in the US she is willing to marry a stranger, it’s a lot more common that you would think. Having been in similar situation where my BF and I ended up marrying sooner that we had principally planned so I could stay past my visa legally, I have a lot of empathy for her
OP, report back. Did you get her back? Did you propose?
I think I’d break up. Such a turn-off she mentioned marrying someone else.
Wow some of y’all are really dense. She’s literal crying she wants to visit her family. He tells her he’s gonna go visit her family KNOWING she can’t because of her status. Yet her comment is the turn-off? Clearly he didn’t realize the implications of what he was saying to her and she doesn’t know he’s planning to propose. And she said something really stupid because she was emotional about the whole situation. She’s not planning to marry anyone else and wants him to propose. Then they can go back and see her family TOGETHER.
Pro
OP, were you born in this country or did you also go through the green card process? I’ll explain why I ask.
i assume SM1 asked because processing her green card/ regularization of status will be on very different timelines depending on whether you have a GC or are a citizen. if you’re an LPR it’s still going to take her awhile to get status off yours
Yup you’re definitely selfish. If you love her, you’d be a real partner and not watch her stress out over something you could actually help with.