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Am I being selfish?

My girlfriend of 2 years (known her for 3) has visa issues. We had an amazing relationship, and I truly consider her the girl of my dreams.

I had always known that she missed her family back at home, and that every other month she would cry because she misses them a lot.

2 nights ago was one of those nights. She started tearing up when I said I’m thinking of taking a trip back to our home country to visit her family (and let them know I’m looking to propose).

Yes, I think you might be selfish a bit. Not sure if you know what it’s like to have visa issues in a foreign country and not be able to see your own family for years. It took me 13 years to get my green card and finally see my family. At times it was so soul-crushing that I contemplated same as your girlfriend - just paying someone to marry me so I can finally see my family. That didn’t mean that I viewed marriage casually - I was just desperately trying to solve a problem that was weighing on me for years. Put yourself in her shoes. She is away from her family, misses them terribly and here you are telling her how you are going to see her family while she is wishing that it could be her going to see them. If you are serious about her and you are sure you want to marry her then just take her to the town hall and do it so she can start her green card process and you can both go see her family together. If you want to marry her anyway why not speed it up to take that weight of her chest?

I was confused when you said you were taking a trip to see her family, because isn't the whole problem that she can't visit them? Then I realzied you mean you told her you were going to go visit her family... without her. Knowing how hard it's been for her to go so long without seeing them, not knowing when she'll see them again, yet you're planning to leave her behind and go see them alone? You didn't even tell her about the proposal so she thinks you're just casually going to visit her family while she's in so much pain being separated from them and has no idea when they'll be reunited.

I can see why she reacted the way she did. What reaction did you think you would get from telling her you're now going to see her family she's missed so much while she's left behind with the pain of years of separation...

How could you not see sooner that she misses her family that much? Marrying a stranger so she could see her finally see her family again says nothing about her views on marriage. It would not be a real marriage, it'd purely be a legal transaction. A piece of paper that'd allow her to get another piece of paper so she can finally leave the country to see her family. Marriage in the way I assume you mean it is *a lot* more than a piece of paper and legal transaction. She could have done that a while ago instead of being with you for years seeing your relationship through. It's unfair to discount her dedication to your relationship over that comment.

Why go in person to ask them? Under other circumstances in-person can be a nice gesture. In this case it's a lot more meaningful to reunite your wife with her family after years apart, than for you to leave her behind and see them alone for a mere formality. You know you want to marry her, so talk to her family on the phone or on video chat and propose. You don't need drag it out longer than necessary. Have a courthouse wedding and go see her family together, you could even have a wedding ceremony with her family and friends from home.

She essentially asked you to propose to her

Honestly the stress of living in visa limbo for years is so gd draining. I moved to the other side of the world to be with the love of my life. I’m totally obsessed with my partner and cherish them so hard, but even then I still considered the idea of marrying somebody else so that I could stay in the country and be with them. I didn’t want to ruin our relationship by going to fast or being too pushy, but in the end he proposed before my visa ran out and we had a quick wedding. We’ve been married for 5 years and counting.

I truly don’t see your partner’s comment as anything negative towards you or that she doesn’t want to marry you. In fact it sounds like she frickin DOES and just wishes you would propose already so she can stop living in stressful visa limbo and you can just be together. It’s very disempowering to live with your entire life at the mercy of your partner no matter how strong your relationship is, so just take her comment for what is is - a general expression of despair and anxiety. I think you should propose to her before your trip, and let her float around in that bubble of joy with all of the family back home. The engsgement bliss is so much sweeter when you can share it with the ones you love.

Are you in the position to help her with her papers? Why should you have a problem with her getting her papers whichever is possible if you won't help?

You are preparing to propose and never discussed marriage with her? Shouldn’t she know a proposal is coming?🧐

Thank goodness OP came to ask fishbowl. Sounds like the plot of a Kdrama, with the amount of miscommunication between OP and future wife.

P.S it’s quite obvious she was telling you to propose without telling you.

I’ve been in a similar situation to your GF OP so since you might be confused I wanted to give some possible clarity based on my experience.

First off, a lot of people from the US who haven’t had to deal with visa/citizenship issues will never know the struggle (understandable if you have never had to deal with it) so if I were you, I would take a lot of the comments saying your GF is selfish etc with a massive grain of salt.

I came here on a year long work visa 5 years ago, truly not knowing what my long term future looked like. Met my future husband and we were dating for 8 months until it hit the month my visa was to expire. It was a tough time because I didn’t know what to do. If I overstayed my visa and fell into illegal status but then had to go home for whatever reason, I might never be allowed back into the US/ when would I see my family again if I became illegal? To me making sure I was in a situation where I would be able to see them regularly was 100% my priority as we are close and I would do anything for them. If I went home, the future of the relationship was not a given. (due to my then BF/now husband’s occupation, a relocation for him would never be possible if he wanted to keep the same job.) plus I enjoyed living and working here and we didn’t want to go the long distance route. Long story short, we got married in order for me to apply for GC and stay legally. Happened a lot quicker than in a conventional relationship and yes it was no doubt a huge risk.

Don’t want to make this all about me but wanted to add the above cos it’s helpful context. Was my husband (US citizen with immigrant family) skeptical about marrying so quickly even though we loved each other? Absolutely he was. Was I feeling desperate, stressed and anxious knowing the clock was counting down and if I overstayed my visa, not wanting to be in a situation where I might not see my family for years on end/not know when I would see them again? 100%. Many people with visa issues contemplate marrying a stranger for GC and giving $$ for it. It’s an understandable reaction given certain situations. I thought about it. There is a level of desperation involved to entertain those ideas. But is that to say your GF loves you any less or doesn’t think marriage is a serious commitment just because she is desperate to see her family and gain long term visa security? It doesn’t.

I do believe you need to be more empathetic towards her situation. Honestly you were being selfish in telling her you intended to see her family while she is stuck here with no way to visit them. Perhaps it was unintended but it was selfishness all the same. Her saying she would marry someone to be able to resolve visa issues does not equal her not caring about you/thinking a marriage to you would be casual. She is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the hand she has been dealt right now. It’s tough and it can get complicated but if she truly is the girl of your dreams, I 100% believe you will resolve this. Also a little communication will go a long way - if you are going to propose anyway, maybe let her know that? I bet it will lift a massive amount of stress and worry off her shoulders knowing that its coming (but only if you mean it). All that is to say, I wish you the best and I really hope it works out for your GF. Visa issues are a pain and can be incredibly stressful situations. It is good to clear your head and have have an honest conversation with her about this, share your fears and yours worries because if this relationship is legit, you need to be able to be vulnerable at times with your honesty.

Remember it’s you and your GF against the problem, not you against her.

Lol man logic. You can’t use man logic when speaking of an emotional woman. If after all of this time you think she’d be capable of something like that, then follow your man brain. You’re probably going to lose a really good woman. Sounds like she feels desperate to be with her family and she doesn’t want to pressure you into marriage. I probably would have probably set an ultimatum at that point but she’s not selfish so she hasn’t. Dude get your head out of the gutter.

Jeez, I scrolled through all these messages searching for an update from OP.

Did he get back to us?

Once you marry her, is the paper problem not solved?
Why kill a great relationship over a sentence which could have been a joke!

Pretty sure she’s begging you to marry her, Chief. Be that Huckleberry.

Oh my god, that is awesome!!!! Dude, please, don’t waste more time on dating. Merry the girl and start making a happy life!!!

My father married someone to get citizenship in the US while with my mom—a bit of a different situation because she was in another country trying to bring her over. I’m not sure if you know what it’s like to be an immigrant but I think your response was a bit rash. I don’t think you’re being selfish, maybe just not really understanding her perspective. She wants citizenship and probably doesn’t want to pressure you into marriage just yet. Same way she doesn’t know what’s going on in your head (that you want to propose) you don’t know what’s going on in her head (maybe she wants you to propose maybe she doesn’t want to rush into it etc). Not talking to her I’d not the way to handle this situation if I were in your shoes I’d tell her I got so upset because I was ready to propose to you…a proposal really shouldn’t be a surprise in my opinion especially when one person does not have citizenship in this country

She just wants to get the process over with. I remember my sister missed us when she moved with her husband in NJ. We're Canadian so it's not far but she couldn't easily travel back and forth while waiting for things to get settled. She missed us a lot.

Also take the hint.

I'm gonna give you an Advise that will shed some lights...
1 I was in the same situation, I have married my then girlfriend and now we have been married for 5 years. I'm just saying that to let you know something good can come out of it.
Second, just realize in what type of stress non green card holders are on. Not knowing what will happen next, not seeing your family. I'm an immigrant too and I saw people around me staying here so long that their parents passed away without them being able to see them. So forgive her if she is not ready to have the patience to wait until you pop the question. Her whole lifestyle and wellbeing depends of that.
Man up and if you really want her, be by her side and tell her you wanna marry her. Not only for paper because you love her( if that's truly) the case but you will fight with her for her well being.
Dude marriage is about sacrifice and being there for your spouse. And right now by delaying the big question when you see her crying tells her you not sure about your intentions.
Hope that helps.
Sorry if I sound a bit harsh. 😅
I have seen the stress it put on my wife and it's no joke

I wouldn’t read into it Op as she doesn’t want to marry you. She is just frustrated, can you marry her already🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️?

Sounds like she said something out of frustration of the situation she’s in. I wouldn’t take it so literally.

Set up a sting collect a dowry and marry her lmao win win. Better you get it after 3 years then some other bloke. And to anyone thats offended by the word dowry that's essentially what she's doing.

Dump her she obviously can’t communicate well

This is a hint that she wants YOU to marry her. She’s being indirect. She doesn’t want to say “hey I wanna marry you for papers” because that’s obviously selfish and wrong for her to say, but she wanted to see where your head is at in terms of marriage. Girls are weird. Source: I’m a girl