Am I terrible person if I wish my friend has a feral second child? 🙈

My first was a velcro baby, had colic, disregulated mess, big feelings, strong willed/ strong opinions, etc. Her first kid is very chill and easy baby (and toddler so far) and I know she never understands the struggle, and can be pretentious at times about it.

Yeah, kinda. I can tell it's sort of a joke.

Truth is probably in the middle. No doubt the physical stuff was exactly as you say, but how much of the velcro and strong willed stuff might be just a little bit on you and your choices? Her kid is likely more calm by nature (and less physical issues), but how much of that might be her attitude and parenting choices? And is she really trying to be superior, or might she be trying to help and you're a bit sensitive? Even if she is a bit tactless. The questions are worth exploring and being as objective as you can be.

Try to maintain the friendship though, even if she is getting on your nerves. Having plenty of people to call on in emergencies is worth some irritating comments now and then.

Yes…jealousy can be poisonous if you don’t tame it.

Yuck !! A little sad to read this. Not cool

I say all the time how thankful I am for my second child for giving me perspective on how truly different each child is. My first was a breeze and my second was humbling. I’m guessing you don’t wish it on your friend as much as you want them to have some understanding. That’s normal.

You do know they’re a mix of nature and nurture right 🤷‍♀️ Perhaps your friend has a point 😂

As someone on the other side of this (I’m the one with the “easier kids”) - I definitely think there is a nurture component and 50% of my bffs struggles with her child are self-inflicted. Sure, some kids are more strong willed and prone to more melt downs, etc but HOW YOU respond can make or break it.

🚩🚩🚩

Haha yes, that's not a nice thing to wish on anyone, but I absolutely get it. I have 1 one each. First one was so hard, I kept thinking I'm failing at parenting. Second one was so chill and all smiles. I realized it's way more nature than nurture than people admit in some cases. I no longer judge people who have easy going kids and hand out unwanted advice to parents who struggle because their kid is just different. I'm happy for them to have the easy parenting and try to keep my easy-kid envy on a leash :D
Hang in there fellow parent, you are doing just fine!

This is disgusting. Not funny, not cool. Just telling.

Wow - it seems like there are a lot of perfect friends on here! I think you are showing a high degree of self awareness that you recognize you have these feelings sometimes and they are not what a good friend would feel. I do think it’s natural and normal though. Humans compare and get jealous. Family does it to family and friends do it to friends.

Many people feel that a child’s behavior is a reflection of their parents, but I agree with the comment above that while it’s a mix of nuture and nature, it can be more nature, especially in the infant phase.

I do emphasize with you. My toddler is a middle of the road toddler, but I have a friend with a baby born right around mine who has been easy peasy from the first month. Sometimes I find myself being jealous of her and have told myself that who knows, maybe their next kid will not be like that. Maybe that makes me a bad person too. But at least we can admit it. It’s also a momentary feeling that passes. I don’t actually wish bad on her. I hope my next kid is easy! And I hope that for you too! :)

We have 5 kids. 3 of which were velcro'd to my wife, 1 of which were velcro'd to me. 1 could sense whenever mom left the room, even while fast asleep. 1 was very colic where we averaged 1-2 hours of sleep each night for the first 2 years. 1 spent so many nights at our sick kids hospital that the nursing staff knew us well.

We have many friends who have never felt our struggle and we know that others out there have had it worse. We don't have much and sometimes struggle to provide all we want for our kids and we don't have an external support system like grandparents. We're on our own.

However, we both agree that we have never felt jealous of any other parents. If you focus on your own family dynamic and what makes it unique, stay close with your little ones and build loving, trusting relationships, you will never feel jealous of another parent.

In fact, we discovered that some of those "perfect" parents are often jealous of us and what we built. You just have to put the work in to build it first (which requires complete focus and ignoring Dick & Jane from down the lane)

Their time will come

Yes, you are a terrible person for wishing this

Lmao this is hilarious! Nothing like a healthy dose of humor being objectively red flagged by a group of self perceived perfect people! No, you're not terrible! You're human! And tbh your friend should take a moment to realize how difficult a child has the potential to be.
Side note: this sounds more nature than nurture, given the second is calmer.

Best of luck!

Each child is so different (I don't have a particularly 'easy' child, they are sassy af, big emotions (and fast enough swings of emotion to give you whiplash), they struggled to sleep when younger, was also colicky, had stages where they were a complete velcro child, was (and still is) incredibly strong-willed. All the things!

But each child is different and I believe each child will teach us the lessons we need to learn, if we are paying attention.

The list above (other than medical stuff) focuses on the areas where my child may feel "too much" if I am not resourced enough (for example, if I have not had enough sleep, or any time away from them in the little while to just be me, etc). My child for example also has a strong sense of justice, they are so in touch with their emotions they help me learn to be in touch with mine, they push me to be a better parent because I have had to learn how to co-regulate a small human (while self-regulating), their very existance in this world has pushed me to learn about brain development, attachment styles, build my own self-awareness, my compassion, my patience, my ability to be in the moment etc. But I can only do all those things from a place of 'being resourced'.

Remember, a child is never giving you a hard time - they are having a hard time. They are learning to person from scratch.

Resources that have helped me:
Childproof Podcast (early episodes on Betches Media (and possibly other places too but I'm not sure; then on Youtube and other places where you find your favourite podcasts). Gwenna Laithland also wrote a book - highly recommend.
The Whole Brain Child
The Strong Willed Child
How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen
Raising Securely Attached Kids

You are not a bad parent or person for wanting someone you care about to show some understanding and some compassion for you. My other question would be, if you're not happy with her response, is there a way you might be able to address this with your friend that is going to help heal this rupture in your relationship?

I am hearing you need your support network. Needing other people to show up for us is a human need and that's ok, but there is something in you that needs a little looking after and that's ok too x

Some people should never have kids or pets 🙄

OP, you sound terrible.

Focus on being a calm patient present parent and see what happens

I think all parents have difficult times at different stages of their child's life. Mine was a good newborn, then cried constantly from 3 months - 18 months. He drove me bananas. Once he hit 18 months, he calmed down. We didn't go through the terrible 2's or 3nager stages. Some kids can go through phases as younger kids or teenagers. Just because her life looks easy, I'm sure she has other struggles and will go though some issues at some point of her life. I do understand where you come from since I went through the same thing when my son was so little and was jealous of the people who seemed to have an easier time.

yes.