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OP you hit it on the head with “all mental and emotional energy goes to her.” It’s just so exhausting. Also, if you are breastfeeding, that takes an enormous physical toll the extent of which you won’t understand until you stop BF. The, BF, pumping, feeding- it’s very taxing. Once I completely weaned mine at 26 months I felt a huge difference.
We are “ok” but seems like the relationship is an afterthought now. A lot of focus on the baby and then when it’s just us we are in our phones or watching tv. Not having sex. Last night went to sleep without a kiss. Not fighting but just not really engaged. And our baby is great and sleeps through the night. Our commutes suck and money is tight but no major problems. Prior to the baby we had a really good, close relationship with a lot of affection for many years.
Same here
First few months after baby, I thought we'd end up divorced. But once the baby became less stressful and more fun, things went back to normal. I attribute the panic early on to a combination of postpartum hormones and the complete shock to the system that is adding a tiny human into the equation.
It was not great. Hormones, zero sleep, two full time jobs. My husband is the best parent, does MORE than his fair share, and still it was hard. It’s a shock to the system, no matter how established your relationship is. Ours was 13 years in, and still it was bumpy. But we’re expecting again 👍
This all makes me feel better. She went in her own room at 5 1/2 months and it is good, but still a month later it’s just like...roommates. We are tired but sleeping through the night so I’m just trying to figure out what else is going on here. I miss making out. Now we just look at our phones, watch tv, and fall asleep on the couch. It’s almost like all our mental and emotional energy goes to her and after that we just want time to ourselves. I had heard of couples fighting and being sleep deprived and resentful of who does more, but I wasn’t prepared for just a mental shift into blahville.
The first year after our baby was the hardest time in our relationship. We didn’t have the time or energy to communicate with each other, and that’s key to such a major life adjustment. We’re in a much better spot now, but I’m about to pop out #2 and I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t a major concern.
I’m married to a woman and we are still bickering and short with each other. And normally we do always gloat about it being easier to be married to another woman. I guess babies are the great equalizer.
Yeah when I stopped pumping at work it took so much stress out of my life. I felt a little bit bad but almost entirely relieved. Just having a stretch of time where my body (and brain) are just mine is good for my mental health I think and therefore also good for my relationship.
Everyone hates their husband the first year. It’s a thing. But it gets better.
Really? We have mission with male kids I think 🤔
Budget for babysitting and go out the two of you as much as possible. That’s what we did after our twins. Also, great your baby is a good sleeper. If you haven’t already, put him/her in a separate room so you have your room back. We started putting our kids to bed in the nursery at 7:30 at 4 months and would have dinner and watch tv together after. I have a close friend whose baby goes to sleep with them and sleeps in their bed. So they literally have no time away from the baby because he doesn’t like being left alone, even for naps. It works for them but it would not work for me. That marriage alone time is critical for us.
It has changed for the worse, unfortunately. I have all the child-related responsibilities and he is living his life as before, and we can’t seem to get that worked out. I hear this is a common problem.
I love this thread because it's real. We too have had one hell of a time the first few months with no sleep, pregnancy hormones, running on fumes. But it gets easier the older the baby gets. And I second putting them in their own room around 3-4 months. But we're still tired all the time and barely have sex even now 9 months later.
Love it too! Hate when moms pretend to be Snow White in a perfect world. I have more real talks with dads, but maybe working moms are more honest about things? Was just wondering about that the other day.
I am still breastfeeding and pumping at work...although I’m slowing the pumping down. She’s almost 7 months and I’m thinking about winding down or trying to go down to just morning and night. That brings up another good point. After having her climb all over me, pinching me, and pulling on and off my boob, the last thing I want is to then have them touched sexually.
It’s hard. And that’s normal. There are some who are fine - usually those with a good family network that help. But for most I think it’s really hard. As supportive as a so can be, they do tend to default to the ways they were raised or saw the roles of mom and Dad at home. For working moms that’s tough bc the workload and mental load at home will never be 50/50. That’s the root of our issues. And it got worse with the second. But I can see how it gets better. I’m not there yet but I can see the light enough to keep hangin on and not murder my husband and run away. Jokes aside it’s not easy
Omg I feel so much better after reading this!
I just came back to this thread and realized I made a huge typo above - I did NOT wean them at 26 months. I weaned them completely at 14 months, and they had already been down to night BF only for a couple months at that point. Just wanted to set the record straight haha.
@senior copywriter 1 - haha I was wondering about that. I was like that is pure dedication right there!
We are exhausted and babysitting is expensive so we rarely reconnect the way I would like to, but I think we are OK and will be OK long term. Our baby is 10 months and he gets more independent every day. I do find I get irritated with my SO when he prioritizes his job the same way he did pre kids leaving me to hold up more of the load with childcare, but I try to both pick my battles and call it out when I need to because I do like and value my job too and it is demanding too and none of that changed when we made the very mutual decision to have a baby.
Yep!
awful. before I had my son a friend "prepare to hate your husband at times" I thought " never" I didn't hate him but I sure didn't like him at times . my son is now 4 and we got passed it.
And after all of that, kids are still worth it? Children ruining my relationship is one of my biggest fears
SC2 - Yes, to me it was worth it. Watching my husband be a dad is one of the most lovely things. No career aspirations hold a candle to my kid. Being a mom has taught me a lot about myself and given me a new perspective on the world in general. Overall, two tired thumbs up