Dating while working Big Law hours is brutal. I feel like I’m constantly canceling on plans. Has anyone figured out a work-life balance that lets you keep a social life? Or is this just par for the course in NYC Big Law?

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Best way so far has been to flag to your direct senior who is actually assigning the work like the mid level and telling them you’ll be out of pocket on XYZ. Obviously you need to build up social capital for them to be okay with you doing that though. This only applies when a deal isn’t all hands on deck though.

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Yeah I don’t recommend this for juniors. I couldn’t have gotten away with this 2 years ago but can now that I’ve been at the firm for awhile and know what is an actual emergency and what can wait a few hours

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Only date on the weekend.
Explain to your date your hours and demands. Upfront communication with romantic partners is advantageous.

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I just had to date a lawyer with a less demanding job than me. Nobody else has understood the demands on my time and thinks I can set boundaries/say no. I’m upfront on the first date about my lifestyle to give them the opportunity to date me or not. I’ve been seeing another now-non-practicing lawyer for a good amount of time now.

People in other professions, including high earning professions, didn’t seem to get it and took my cancellations as personal affronts.

Aside from that, you have to choose. You can have it all, just not all at once. You can’t do everything. It will be hard to have a good relationship with family, friends, a good dating life, and do good work at the same time. I know I don’t want to be partner, so I’m only focused on being a good/decent associate so I can coast.

Every now and again I prioritize my dating life by telling a partner (not during a major deal obviously) that I’m away from my keyboard for a few hours and will be right back later that night. I don’t make a habit of it, though, and I don’t do it repeatedly with the same deal teams. I can do this because I’m a more senior mid-level so I know what is important and what isn’t and what can wait and what can’t. I also have enough experience within this firm that I know which partners I can ask for more leeway from and which I absolutely cannot refuse or delay.

We’re planning weekend trips out of town with the understanding that I will work while we’re in transit and may have to occasionally monitor emails. This way he will feel more prioritized.

I make time to be spontaneous if I don’t have anything going on that night. When I had a less demanding 9-5 lawyer job, I refused last minute dates that weren’t pre-planned when in the dating stage. I now accept them most of the time if I can because I know there will and have come times I will cancel plans the day of.

I make a lot more than he does, so I use my money to buy myself and him a good time and buy back my time. I’ll upgrade our hotel room. I focus on convenience meals and pay for a cleaning service. I order grocery delivery. Those hours add up.

Do the same thing for friendships if you want to prioritize that over dating. Call your friends randomly, make time for their life crises when you can, buy them good gifts, add their important milestones and birthdays to your calendar so you can be the first one to text them “happy birthday” or “good luck on your interview today!” It’s best if your friends are similarly busy.

But if you’re doing most areas of big law you simply won’t have work life balance. You must choose. You’re not going to be a great associate, great friend, great relative, great parent, and be a great partner/spouse with healthy habits. Something is going to suffer until you get senior enough to push things back.

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I think the key is to figure out how to prioritize as much as possible and make the person you’re dating aware of your job obligations being rigorous. Maybe that means during the week, you go on dates for only 1-2 hours during dinner time when people are less likely to ping you but obviously if you’re on an active deal or something, it might be impossible. I think the right person for you will understand this and that maybe you need to check your phone once during dinner and if not, they’re not the right person for you. Try to also block out your date on your calendar as you’re unavailable so people see your calendar and are okay with you not responding for a bit. Obviously it’s very difficult to just take off an entire night so I’d save those longer dates for the weekends…my now husband is a medical resident and when we dated, it felt impossible to create time but with the right person, it can work!

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I got engaged shortly after taking the bar. Life hack.

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