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My friend, you are being taken advantage of. I say this as someone who supports my family a lot.
Your mother should not be spending $1,000 a month on random garbage from Amazon if you're paying the bill. What I do is I bought my parents their home they (very small and modest), I pay for their phone electric and property tax. Everything else they have to pay for themselves. This way, I know that they will never have the electric turned off or phone's disconnected or be homeless. They only have to make enough money to pay for their own groceries and their car.
Do you does your mother have any family that she could move in with? Why can she not work? She can't even do under the table random work to pay for her own knick knacks off Amazon?
You can help your family but you need to learn to set your foot down and set boundaries.
Have you discussed your concerns with her? It might be worth setting up a checking account for her with a set budget per month so she can't spend so much on online purchases.
You're doing an amazing thing for her by supporting her, but you don't need to go beyond paying for her essentials.
Chief
OP, you need to find a way to stop enabling her behavior or you’re heading for a breakdown. And that’s not good for you or her. Can you get her into therapy? I realize this may be more challenging due to language barriers, etc.
While I think you should put limits, I wanted to congratulate you for taking care of your mother. May you be rewarded in both this world and the next.
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Any chance you can both move to a lower cost of living? I think that’s causing a lot of constraints
Enthusiast
Oh also, I have moved back to the LA burbs during the pandemic but I’m looking to go back to SF to live my own life - I have no friends here and all I do is work, get groceries, or help return things on Amazon for her
Enthusiast
I’m glad she’s getting more motivated to do something at least. And.. for the most part, It’s okay for her to buy things that are essential and if they do make her happy. However - most of them are useless crap. So every other weekend, I’ve had to make trips to Whole Foods / UPS’s with tens of items to return. At this point it’s not about just money. It’s a lot of time as well. And I’m about to switch to a job that pays a little less than my current base (sort of a dream opportunity), and with added inflation, I’m worried I’ll be broke as hell despite close-to 200k salary. I recently consolidated finances by buying a house for her and me and my siblings. I pay half the mortgage and all of the utilities… But I’m realizing I need to live separately from her. So that’ll mean I now have a mortgage + my own rent + a bunch of other expenses now
Perhaps you may need to just let her dig her own hole with CC’s hooked up to Amazon until she’s maxed out. That is not your responsibility to pay. Do you have siblings? If so, they should help out as well. Otherwise, make her apply for disability and have her move in with you. There is no reason you should be paying two rental expenses.
Enthusiast
I vented to her a bit, and told her that even though I’m happy to see her motivated to buy things and experiment and try new things (eg online shopping), it’s taken a lot of toll on my mental health and financial concerns. Even though we’re not going broke by any means, seeing $500-1000 in total just from Amazon on a bunch of things in monthly credit card statement is overwhelming and difficult for me to stay organized in life, and that I am tired of having to drive around every other weekend returning things at Whole Foods or other Amazon dropoffs points. She apologized and said she’ll try to start creating a budget sheet to keep track of such expenses. I feel kinda horrible but I just had to be very transparent and honest. I told her I might cap her allowance to $500-1000 and that I’d like her to spend with those means. She cooks for me and I’m appreciative, so I can easily give her up to 1000 for taking care of me while I live with her (since I’m paying the mortgage, I don’t think I can offer anything more). But knowing the cap would help me predict and plan for future much better
This is absolutely not your responsibility. Your mom needs to fight for herself. There’s govt assistance and she needs to learn to live within her means if she cannot provide for herself. Please don’t do this. There’s no honor is killing your mental health over this. You can help with a couple hundred dollars a month to help pay for bills to help where assistance doesn’t cover and that’s it! You’re not obligated to support her irresponsibility.