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• if i choose to talk about something i want to buy (camera) - oh you have so much money
• if i ask them to find a hobby or do something - oh i've worked all my life and i'm angry you're asking me do it still
• i try to support them financially, i earn around 65 in a hcol city, after rent & expenses i gotta save & i try to send them 20 -30k every month & it feels like they expect more. they are not even that old (53, 48 respectively) & they already want to stop working.
How do I deal with all of these unspoken frustrations?
I haven’t told my parent I have bought a house and a Mercedes since a few month back I bought a CK jacket on Black Friday for 35$ and they were like “sweater se kaam chala” 😑
PwC 2 I feel ya my friend. I'm thinking about buying a house as well with my partner and I have no intentions of letting my parents know. They will be like you don't care about us, why aren't you buying us one.
TBH, their response is pretty standard desi parent response. Ever thought that maybe you are thinking too hard about not being their ideal child?!
I can say that if I don’t call my fam once daily then i also hear loving tantrums from them. It’s because they care and love, not because we are not ideal. They just want to be involved, so lovingly give it to them and be compassionate towards their feelings, they will reciprocate it. 😀
A, KPMG1 - I understand where you’re coming from. Lucky to not be in that boat but hey, you’ve got the advantage of distance. I know that we have limited time on our hands and if they start being so demanding then it breeds frustration and since they aren’t very understanding it won’t be a simple process either.
I like the finding hobby, keeping yourself busy idea. Might suggest watching some TV series (less productive, more gossip driven) but can keep them busy. Meeting relatives/ friends (who aren’t covid positive).
Ideal solution from my perspective is to talk politely and lovingly and help them understand the scenario. Wish everyone was a little more rational and our problems would have been so few.
Hey OP, tried messaging you but couldn’t for some reason. Feel free to reach out if you want to discuss more. Gay guy here too if that helps.
hey PwC1, I can't seem to find the option to message you as well.
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To me the realistic things are -
1. Start looking at them as adults vs. parents and realize that they are idiosyncratic people and sometimes may have personality quirks that aren’t the most flattering. This will also give you some real sense of what you can actually talk to them about vs. not. Don’t get caught up in cultural guilt. Not every parent is a healthy adult, doesn’t mean you have disrespect them, but doesn’t mean you have to put up with all of them.
2. Don’t try changing them. Seriously, don’t. It’ll save you so much energy and conflict.
3. Indian parents love playing the victim card (I worked so much I can’t change) and are all about payback for their investment (I put so much into your x, y, z it’s time I see something). Guess what, they made choices, and they’re adults, your job isn’t to fix their lives it’s theirs. Sadly, some people are happy in their misery, and you have let them enjoy their misery.
4. Loving them is not the same as breaking yourself for them. You can love someone deeply without ruining your life for them or making them the center of your universe and happiness. This is probably the hardest things a lot of us struggle with. Sometimes just ask yourself if you had a kid how you’d want to treat them in that situation, and use that as your guidepost on whether they’re being reasonable or not.
You gotta lie about a lot of things to desi parents. Develop that skill and do what makes you feel good!
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Master at lying. Always got a good 🩴 for being honest so learnt this at a very young age. Now lying is a skill I possess.
Also learnt what not to do with my kids if I want them to be honest with me.
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No suggestion related to parents but friend you need to change jobs. You’re getting paid peanuts.
thanks SC1, I agree and I am trying to find an out.
Look for ways you are enabling them - that’s an area you can control. Most likely they won’t change the way they react but different inputs may mean different reactions.
Also, if your dad is 53, I’m guessing you are in early twenties. You still are under the umbrella of your dad’s family. You need to find ways to get out of it. Share things as necessary. Unfortunately they aren’t your friends. Also, money - it may be ok for now and you’ll definitely earn higher down the line. However don’t make them dependent on you. Care for them but don’t enable them. Refusing to work at 53 and not even funding a hobby will mean you’ll need to support them at least another 25-30 years.
Also, you may need to build financial security which in turn benefits them as well. What if you get laid off? What if you are hit by a bus? What if you need to take an year off ?
Reduce the amount you send them, share less, earn respect or get them to respect your choices. You are an adult and you need to become one - and independent one , both financially as well as emotionally.
Look for mentors (uncles, aunts or from work etc). U&A may provide you insight into what you parents think of. But beware of sharing too much as they may share with the parents. So test the waters.
I remember feeling alone when I didn’t want to get my parents advice and I suddenly felt alone. I need to guide myself. If you have close friends or partner leverage them.
nope, they were forced into marriage pretty young, so here I am almost 30, whining about ways to deal with desi parents and their incessant need to poke their nose in by business even if I put up boundaries.