For those with a stay-at-home wife, is it still 50/50 for house chores and taking care of baby?

If you’re out of the house for +50 hr work weeks you’re out of the house for a lot of the time your partner is dealing at home ... have a hat and find some balance, their work is pretty tough too although it may not seem so.

For us, the older I got and more money I made, the more we outsourced. When we were young she did take on more with the kids and the house but I always gave great relief on the weekends with both. It may have seemed unfair if I let it but it gave me more memories with the kids and more appreciation with her that built the foundation of our marriage and built some credits for when things got tough at work.

I’m trying to find the “fairness” of me pulling consistent +50 hr work weeks and still being expected to be 50/50 on all house chores and baby stuff. To top it off I take care of everything outside of the house and manage all finances too. Just feeling really burnt out and under appreciated.

What I noticed is taking care of the house and kids is physically demanding while working is mentally draining. Both has it’s up and down. When I was on paternity leave, I somewhat agree with D1 that it’s easier for me. But that’s because it was a huge mental break for me and I find a lot of extra energy at the beginning. What I disagree with D1 is that it’s not as easy as it sound, especially when doing it over a long period of time. What my wife did to take care of the house, I’d never be able to do it as good as she does.
How we worked out is I helped out when I’m home. During the weekday, i work about 8am to 7pm or sometimes more. But when I’m home during the weekday, I help a bit like looking after the kid or feed him and changes diapers, make sure my wife can get some rest until 12am. That’s when I go to bed and she will take care of late night when the kid wakes up so that I still have energy to go to work. During weekend, I take care of the kid while my wife take care of the house chores so we spilt on that.
While I don’t agree that it should be 50-50 but I also don’t quite agree that my wife should be doing everything by herself. While we may work 60-80hours, I feel that my wife is working almost 24/7 if I don’t help her out. Even with my help, she’s still busy enough. Marriage is where we are in it together and we have to agree on our workload together. Otherwise there will be a lot of resentment.

@DD1 what I’m getting at is that if my wife and I could afford to have one person at home I would gladly do it.

Being a stay at home parent is easier than dealing with clients, the good idea fairy and general bullshit that comes along with consulting.

Being home with 2 kids taking care of the house and associated stuff is a low stress job and environment

What WM1said. Are you planning meals and grovery shipping? Do you know what size clothes the kids wears and when she will hit the next one? Know how many onesie she has/needs? How many diapers left? If you're like most guys (myself included), you way underestimate all the thinking that goes into keeping a house with kids running.

That’s the thing BCG1, I can answer every single one of those questions. We go grocery shopping together almost every Sunday and I can tell you exactly what we need and don’t need in the fridge / pantry.

D1 I am genuinely surprised by your experience considering what happened with my (one) kid during the newborn phase -- waking up every 3 hours through the night, inconsolable screaming for hours on end due to colic, lots of minor illnesses that I had no idea what to do with. Can't imagine how that would work with a 4 year old where you'd also be dealing with driving them to classes, dealing with temper tantrums and on top of that the cooking and cleaning and household repairs.

Part of the point of having a stay at home spouse is higher quality childcare and house upkeep being managed by that person, but I'm a bit skeptical that 24-hour care of a newborn plus a 4 year old are super easy for a single person to manage, unless there's some form of help from in laws, wife on maternity leave, babysitters, full day preschool for the older kid, or something else.

Not sure wife and I would have the same splits if you asked us but I will say you will probably want to do more than what you think is your 50.

Hahah absolutely not. I’m just finishing up 16 weeks of paternity leave. Being a stay at home dad with a 4 year old and a new born is the easiest job I’ve ever had. If my wife was pulling 200k per year I’d be a full time stay at home parent.

The weekend things should be split or you do them together. During the week, it’s the stay at home parents job to handle the kids, cooking, clothes as necessary, any grocery shopping or errands.

After spending time as the stay at home parent, I’ll never have sympathy again for someone that complains that it’s such a hard job.

Sorry but that’s just based on my experience

@D1 it should be an obvious statement but how much money you make has absolutely no correlation to how hard your job is. For example I’m sure that you making your PowerPoint presentations all day long isn’t much harder than raising a tiny human.

I'm having a hard time with some responses to this post. I agree with D1. DD1 is just wrong--market rates reflect how hard a job is. McK1, does the spouse know the deadlines of the project plan and how to navigate the client politics?

My wife and I talked about this a few times. We agreed if one of us stayed home, they do everything. Groceries, check book, laundry, doctor's appointments, school volunteer, kid's homework, all errands, everything. The weekend would be for family time.

I'm not saying staying at home is easy. I'm saying OP and spouse should have a conversation to better divide the work. What am I missing?

My wife stays home and our deal is that it’s 100% hers during the week as that is her job and I focus 100% on my job. When I’m home we split 50/50.

For those saying staying at home is easy/hard, it completely depends on what you, personally, find hard. I think it shortchanges spouses to say that staying at home is categorically easier than consulting. For me consulting is hard, but stimulating, rewarding, etc. being home with the kids might not be hard in the same deadline driven pressure kind of way but boy could I not do it long term. It would burn me out soooo fast.

Bottom line is to have an open convo with your spouse and find something that works for you.

I’m in your exact same spot OP, have accepted that as dad and husband I gotta step up to the new responsibilities and not be ready for thanks. Keep your head up OP, you’re doing a great job by the sounds of it. Fathers Day is just 4 months away!

My stay at home is also enrolled nearly full time in online or night classes so I find a way to see her side

Get a cleaner (1 day a week) and maybe 1 - 2 days a week some support for little one. Expensive but worth every penny / cent... can elaborate but will make things much easier

How can you put a value to what each other should be doing? You both should assume it’s your responsibility, and when someone communicates the need for help, step up. You are the provider after all, right?

*have a chat

I’ve found it’s important that while you’re there you’re helping, maybe not 50/50, but definitely more than 50/50 for the hours/days you’re around

Yes