Going through a very rough patch in life. Recently married (an year ago) and wife says she doesn’t like to be in the US or anywhere apart from her hometown (which is a remote city in India). Contd..

OP it takes two hands to clap. It is not your primary responsibility to condition her to settle in a new country. As a woman, i know some women are extremely entitled and expect the husbands to basically hand everything on the platter, however see if you can have an family member you trust to talk to her to make her understand that just moving countries dont make marriages better or worse, its a partnership where she needs to pull her weight too. With such a stressful job, managing domestic conflict will be hard, but give it a year, and if all else fails, there is only one way out

have her parents visit here. stay with her for few months.. last resort get pregnant..jk don't do it and pull out in time.

OP! Married, Indian, 34M here. Please just let your wife leave. Tell her that you’ve been working towards your career your entire adult life and you need a spouse who will support your dreams. Once she goes back, she’ll spend some time there and get it out of her system. I believe she’ll come back at that point. Give it 3 to 6 months. Then file for divorce with mutual consent. You get one shot at life buddy. Absolutely no sense in wasting it on someone who hasn’t matured beyond the point of wanting to still live next to her parents. Not that it’s a bad thing. You are obviously not that person. Cut your losses my friend. Good luck. Everything is going to be ok.

Second SC1. As someone who continued
in a troubled marriage - its not going to be worth it eventually. There is a clear difference of opinion here and you need to pull the trigger. Send her home for a few months - with an understanding she wont come back - wait it out for a few months and if she doesnt come back as expected, call it off. I am sorry you have a go through this, pull the cord now before you have kids.

Do you not want to go back to India? Or do you not want to go back to her hometown?

Be clear! Not all of India is remote town. There’re plenty good jobs in India: consulting or otherwise.

so sorry to hear that and that you have to go through this abuse. wasn't she aware that you intend to be in the US or Canada before marriage? does she have any other vested interest (read love interest) in going back?
I would seek counseling in the form of her parents, friends etc and also professionally if it does not work out to reason.

Agree with C1. She knew exactly what she was getting into when she got married. Even if she didn’t she should support your career and try to build her own here. This whole thing sounds just so ridiculous there’s no justification for her behavior.

I would’ve thought that this May have something to do with her not being able to work but you have a Canada PR and she isn’t ready to go there either so...

Shouting and throwing things and blaming you? Is this someone you want to spend your whole life with?

She is probably bored out of her wits and is depressed. Why don’t you try and get her involved in maybe the local community events, or join a community college. Take vacations, have her go back once every 6 months until she feels at ease. The last resort is separation and thats an easy way out, but make sure you exhausted all your options before that. Just my .02

As someone who absolutely DETESTED it when I moved here, I know the feeling of not wanting to socialize, missing my support system back there etc. Also took a career hit (Was with Deloitte USI where my career was growing very well) so I was bitter. Suddenly being without a job, being just married so missing parents, moving countries blah blah (usual H4 woes) it was all a hellhole. I was fortunate to have found an opportunity to work just when I thought I would lose my sanity - so I would advise just try to push her to do something, anything, that keeps her busy. Her behavior is NOT acceptable, but I would think that you also wouldn’t want to “give up” on your marriage without having tried everything, so trying to give you an outsider’s POV on why she is how she is. I was at the brink of getting into depression - and what saved me was just making it a point to get outside the house everyday. Get her to volunteer at a local school (look up Reading partners), join a class, ANY class (I did calligraphy for three months), cook for her (you’ll be surprised how much it is appreciated), check up on her often during the day (I know this is VERY hard with the consulting lifestyle - but this is one thing my husband did that I will be forever grateful for), take her for celebrating indian festivities (suggestion - Diwali is just around the corner). I am not empathizing with her (throwing things at your partner warrants to domestic abuse), but you asking for help makes me feel you want to give it a shot despite her unacceptable behavior. I hope you both are able to get past this very difficult time.

OP, you asked for help here which means you want to give this thing a try. Good. Firstly, no matter what but throwing things is abuse and it's not acceptable whether a woman does it or a man. Why doesn't she have a job? Being occupied for 9 hours a day works wonders. I saw first hand how my wife struggled after coming here because h4ead had not yet become a rule and she had always worked after college, being a campus hire. She had confessed to me that she feels shitty using credit cards or withdrawing money from our account. If your wife doesn't want to work, she can volunteer at a local old age home, children's shelter etc. Or go to school at the local community College /good college depending upon how much you want to spend. Is there a parent she's close to? For example, if she's very close to her mother then call your mom in law when you're travelling and try to explain the situation without explicitly blaming your wife... Else her mother will get defensive. Ask her if she can talk with your wife without telling her that you called her. How does your wife get along with your parents? If she gets along good, then have your mom talk to her.

Also ask her why she only wants to go back to her hometown. Why not your hometown or some other city with better job prospects? If she agrees, you can both also go to a counselor here. It takes time time to build trust with a counselor but the good thing is competent counselors also know this.

Send her back home for a month or two and see how she likes it there. Many times, people get used to certain things in the US without really realizing it and only realize the dependency when they go back to India. They're usually then more willing to make concessions. After having exhausted all these things, along with suggestions others have made, if she still wants to go back but you don't then you will have to make a decision to separate. God forbid though, if the inevitable happens then do speak privately to a good lawyer in India, if you own significant money or property in the US, on how to make the divorce happen in India rather than in the US.

But you should make every attempt to come to an amicable solution rather than separating... Unless the abuse gets out of hand in the meanwhile. Good luck.

Married M late 30’s. My advise - please give her a lot of options and freedom to do what she wants here. There many ways to make friends and be part of communities... joining a school or getting a job (it visa permits) is great too...
It’s normal for people to feel this way in the first couple of years especially since she has left everything back home and does not know anyone.

Alternative if above doesn’t work - let her just stay in India.

We need to change the way marriage works in our societies, we can’t just marry and bring a person to a new country, it gets stressful for both.

I have been through all of this and still dealing with it, and it impacts your peace of mind.

uhhh... separation and compensation is written all over your issue if one of you does not see the benefit of what the other want. Did you not share your future goals with her while getting married ?

OP should clarify what both parties agreed to on where they want to live after getting married. I have seen guys initially agreeing to move back in a few years to bag the girl but then change their mind obviously about going back to India.

I’m assuming she knew you are a consultant and that you travel before she married you. Keeping that in mind, constantly screaming and throwing things is called domestic abuse. You need to sit her down and tell her what will or will not work for you. And, as someone already said, help her draw up a plan where she has a routine of sorts and either applies for a job or does volunteering work, goes to the gym, joins a class etc. to keep herself busy. I would also highly recommend you clearly outline that you had told her everything before she married you and that if this doesn’t stop you will need to consider separation. Have that honest conversation with her. And see her reaction. I’ve often seen women from india come, want their husbands to leave their jobs, and stay with them the whole time. That’s not how adult life works. You need to take the call, my friend.

More context: she misses the festivals she had back home and refuses to mingle or make friends with other Indians saying it’s difficult for her as they are not similar. She misses the food in her hometown which is not available in the US. I try to take her out every now and then to give her a good experience, but her attitude has always been resistive towards assimilating.

Contd...We had several fights over going back to India. She often shouts and throws things at me and blames that I am a selfish guy, despite having given my best to keep her happy here. I am not ready professionally to go back as there is literally no job in her hometown. I requested my in-laws to come here for a short-term stay but she refuses that as well saying her college going brother needs them more than her. I feel this is completely ridiculous as he is in hostel. We have Canada PR (which we got after a lot of struggle), but she refuses to go there as well. The only thing she wants from me is to quit everything and go back to India (to her hometown). Honestly, I have put all my sincere efforts to keep everything in place. I really don’t know what to do now. Please help.

Not that I am trying to judge anyone but specific requirement of hometown makes me nervous and you may also want to explore this possibility. My friend's wife who came from India tried to lure him back to India. He took her temporarily only to see that she actually wanted to go back because she was forced in to marriage and had an affair someone back home. The marriage was annulled.

You may want to seriously consider investing in her career. This might help if above scenario doesnt hold.

Be strong ❤️

Would it be possible to try back in India for a specific time and see if it works