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No advice but solidarity. I’m currently pregnant with our first kid and both my wife and I plan to leave big law within a year of coming back from parental leave. We’ve seen so many of our friends drowning in work while barely having any time to spend with their kids and hate the idea of that being our life. We’re lucky enough to have paid off all our school debt and oversave for retirement while in big law, and have worked with a financial advisor to budget out what our salaries will need to look like at more wlb friendly jobs. It will take us several more years than I’d like to be able to buy a house in our HCOL area but I’m ok with the trade off.
It’s a constant struggle even with full time wfh. My kids are now 8 and 10 and it’s still hard to have them home and work because now they fight all the time. They are more independent but it’s still annoying af to have to parent when I’m trying to work. When I went into the office I used to have to rush home and grab them from daycare, do dinner and homework and then rush them to bed so I could get back online. WFH is honestly the only solution for me to stay in BigLaw
Good luck with both of you being in big law. My husband and I prioritized one career from the get go in our marriage, mine. Eventually we decided he needed to stay home, our kids were about 3 and 8 then.
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I’m PT BigLaw and dad is a half time teacher. Also works well.
The actual answer is it’s not really possible. But since so many of us are trying to do the impossible - a nanny or other reliable help, a long roster of babysitters with weird schedules who might be available on a random Tuesday afternoon, WFM or reduced hours (80-85%) and most importantly: get comfortable with feeling like you’re sort of failing at everything even though, you know on an intellectual level, you’re not.
Should add I have two kids (3 and 5) and a husband who works a slightly less demanding job. Also, getting up early to find those extra hours from like 6-8am is key. I’m not a night owl.
I am not in biglaw and still struggle.
Mine are at a pool party with the husband while I'm triaging emails and working on to-do lists. I don't hate the job too often, but I do today.
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Go PT, wfh, and one spouse has a much chiller job. Either that or 2 staff who are very close to your family—one FT nanny and one FT housekeeper / backup nanny. And just accept that you will have very limited time with your child.
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And that's why I went in-house. Never going back to a firm again.
You can’t do it all. You can’t be expected to work and parent at the same time for extended hours. You either 1) outsource and hire a babysitter plus before and after care for school days , 2) one of you finds a job that allows more flexibility or 3) you both do. I’ve always taken a bit of the backseat but I wasn’t in big law. It was my priority to work and be there for the kids. I’m in-house now. My hours are 9-5 and I have true PTO. Job is still stressful, and I get paid much less than you, but I didn’t log on 1x over the holiday weekend. I didn’t even respond to the couple (and only a couple) of emails I got. Firms are built differently. Find one that works for one of you or pivot in-house. Figure out which one of you wants to do that. But don’t think you are failing. We are all holding on by the skin of our teeth most days. Hang in there. It gets a bit easier as the kids get older, but then you start needing to be places by 5 or 530 for after school activities.
It is a true struggle. You have to have a very supportive sponsor at your firm, rock solid childcare/ family support or a spouse with a less demanding career.
It’s doable, gets much much easier as they get older and you get more senior.
Do you feel you missed a lot of the younger years though?
I have parents who watch my kiddo while my husband and I both work full-time and it still feels impossible. Our system is just not set up for child-rearing.
We have 2 under 2. My partner is a resident physician and I am in BigLaw.
We have a rockstar nanny 8am-5:30pm. I WFH so I can maximize time working/billing and can also pop out to see the babies whenever I get a break (rehydrating, grabbing food, after crossing something big off the to-do list). Then I am unreachable (except by very brief Teams message, if anything) from 5:30-7:30. My team knows that is sacred time to me. I usually get back online after the babies’ bedtime.
My husband and I don’t have hobbies or much of a social life these days but we don’t mind because our kids are our hobby and our friends are in the same life stage right now. Our situation doesn’t feel entirely sustainable but getting to see my kids uninterrupted for 3.5-4 hours a day + breaks is the most I can ask for right now.
I hear it gets way harder when kids get older. They remember when you weren’t there, they need actual child-rearing, they have places to be on weeknights rather than just at home, etc. Our plan is for me to take a step back (reduced hours?) when my partner finishes residency and fellowship in a couple years.
I’m a solo and husband is self employed as well. Kids are both in aftercare. The guilt is rough some days as their day is so long so I try to leave the office 4:30 latest. Working in a firm was no longer an option for me.
It's tough, eventually I went into an in house role that still isn't 9-5 but the PTO policy is generous and it works around my schedule. We have a 19,12, 10 and 8 year old. It's much easier when they re in school and then after care and we have a nanny that picks the younger ones up so I can work until 6-7 pm on nights I need to. Summer is tough still even now that they re older but we usually take time off during summer and travel. We ve saved for retirement, no debt and have 6 paid off homes so at this point at 42 I'm thinking about how to work less and get as much time back to make up for those earlier years in the trenches
ESP with 4 kids. I don’t understand how that was done even with a biglaw salary if she’s only 42… would love to know, that’s amazing
Husband isn’t in big law, but a similarly demanding career and we’re totally in over our heads. The best we’ve done so far is to prioritize one of our careers (his because I am definitely not in this for the long haul), and I’m on reduced schedule while I sort out my next move (I definitely know I don’t want to be ftm). Also, hiring a nanny can be massively helpful because you save on commute and get assistance with kids chores.