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Your argument starts with “I’m breadwinner” so it seems that you basing it from the point that you make more therefore you should be doing less chores rather than the time it takes him to do something 🤷🏻♂️
She’s the breadwinner. And he doesn’t work. Idk what he does all day but my guess would be he *should* have time to pick up the slack. I’m with you OP
If I stayed home while my wife worked (we both work as it stands), I would have no problem picking up the bulk of the chores, seems like part of the trade off.
This is called weaponized incompetence and a form of emotional abuse.
Lol for real, great call out D2.
Hi I thought you were me! Big law associate in an incredibly busy practice group since may 2020. Husband quit work in June, and no kids + one dog. He focuses on feeding me (but I hate it - when I'm busy and in the zone I just want to work and not answer his million questions about what I want to eat for lunch, and I can order us dinner and get it reimbursed). Otherwise... I do dishes 90% of the time because he'll literally let mold grow on dishes before he does anything (and yes we have a dishwasher). Vacuum and mop. Dust. Walk the dog and go to the dog park. Wake him up (I see red when I've been up since 6am on calls after working till 2, and he barely crawls out of bed at noon). I've talked with him a few times and he apologizes but nothing changes.
I just go into the office 4-5 days a week now so I can work in peace (my office is encouraged to come into the office 2x a week but not even 10% of the people on my group show up more than 2-3x a month if that). Before he quit his job he swore he'd have a new job by January. He hasn't updated his resume once, but he still claims he'll have a job by then.
Ugh that's incredibly annoying. I don't mind a nonworking partner if both were in agreement about it and there was equitable contribution to the household in some other way. Your friend couple doesn't seem to have either box checked.
Depending on quantity of yard work…I’d say yard work can be the biggest lift out of all of those. Can do like all the chores you listed in the time I’d spend mowing/raking/etc
If you have an HOA it’s definitely a priority. Nobody fines you for needing to vacuum. yes it’s not daily but at the very least it’s weekly. It takes like 5 mins to load a dish washer and I personally don’t vacuum on a daily basis so you’re making mountains out of molehills. Just appreciate your man if he’s doing all the yard work tbh
Rising Star
Send him to the doghouse for a few days to make him think about it
Contd. I also write at night so I’m working on something constantly throughout the day. Sometimes I feel like I can do this but other times, I know I will burnout at this rate
I agree on possibility that he is depressed. I also think you need to slow down yourself - burn out is real and there is more to life. I had another post on some advice but I want to add additional advice of taking time off yourself and maybe plan things together that you enjoy. You can’t continue working the kind of hours you mentioned without burn out. I remember when I was at a law firm and I looked around and every single partner was divorced. I don’t know the circumstances of every situation, obviously, but the lifestyle doesn’t naturally lend itself to a relationship. He can be feeling neglected too… he might feel you’re not there for him during his time of need (as I said, he might be severely depressed). Life is too short - take a step back from working somehow and enjoy other activities especially with your loved one.
It’s his fault for not stepping up as he should. But honestly, save yourself the fight and hire a bi weekly cleaner. Saved me a lot of arguments because people don’t change
Rising Star
So the weekly cleaner has to be bi?
Rising Star
If you’re asking him to do things and then doing them anyway because he takes long or they’re not done the way you like, you might want to try stepping back and seeing what happens if you don’t intervene. Maybe he’ll step up in his own way, or maybe he won’t, but then you can have a conversation from there. It’ll be painful to see things messy, but right now you’re stuck in this pattern of kind of mixed messages. (And I don’t mean that as blame, but more like, he’s not going to get it unless it’s clear you really mean it and it’s all on him to step up.)
Rising Star
Totally, and then they can have a real conversation from that point, with that understanding.
Enthusiast
He should be doing way more, this kind of relationship is literally what I fear, you need to get him back to a job fast because the longer he is away the less likely he'll be able to return and you'll end up with an anchor around your waist.
Rising Star
What does your husband do during the day since he is not working? It does seem like he could pick up more of the household duties.
He might be severely depressed. Working out is good, i would encourage stopping video games because that becomes a time suck… I might see if there is a career/life coach or a therapist he can speak with. Has he finished his school applications and now waiting to hear back or is that off the table? If he’s done with applications and waiting to hear back, I’d give him some slack. You have no kids yet, you’ll be working for a long time, it’s not so bad to take the time to chill and figure yourself out. I would discuss your feelings with him, maybe make a schedule of items you want him to do while he isn’t working (which includes waking up at a reasonable hour, even if it’s to just walk the dogs and then go to the gym in the morning) as well as the other small things that make you upset. Tell him how hard you’re working and explain that it’s frustrating when he’s in bed until noon and the sink is full of dishes, etc. Also, it might make sense to schedule couples counseling if you love him and want to be with him forever. If you don’t, be gentle on him because it sounds like he’s depressed, but you don’t have children and it would make sense to end things before that happens.
Chief
He should be doing the vast majority of chores.
You and him may need to have a conversation about expectations, however.
Make timelines a part of your conversation on expectations. I.e , help out with xyz within abc hours every day. Make it clear why it matters to you enough that you will kill yourself and do it if he doesn't. Make it clearer that this is not about him doing work but about him caring about you. If his laziness persists after this, it's no longer laziness and requires a more serious conversation.
Pro
Unfortunately this is so common. I experienced it and I hear about it more and more among my friends. For some people, taking care of the house just isn’t on their radar. And I’ve noticed that especially for guys who aren’t working, but for women too, there is often depression lurking around.
In many cases an underlying cause is he doesn’t feel needed or appreciated. Many men especially have a need to feel appreciated for what they do, that gives them motivation to do more. So one thing you can try is give him opportunities for small wins, and appreciate those small things.
It might seem over the top to show appreciation for him doing things that he just should do as a matter of course, but it makes a difference.
Do have a chat with him to say how this makes you feel.
Pro
This! Please know it gets worst with kid. Better to address it now
Hold back the cuddle and sex! Let him work for it...
Jk.. Don't do it
Rising Star
Maybe double down and see what happens
Rising Star
I would hire help if i could afford it. Once things stabilized i might address what could potentially be an underlying mental health issue