I’m at my wit’s end. I find myself constantly doing other people’s work or covering for others. I am seeing a therapist and on meds for my depression and anxiety and I am still miserable. I can’t just quit because I am the “bread winner” in my family and every time I talk about going to a new firm, I am told to make sure I am making at least the same as what I am making now, not caring about my mental health.

I am almost at my breaking point and I need help.

dont mean to stereotype but are you a woman? i think women, especially eldest daughters and breadwinners, tend to overextend to help others out of the goodness of their hearts but you do need to set boundaries to protect your own mental health

Take it easy tonight. From what you have stated you have reasonable concerns. Have you spoken to your significant other about your mental health? Tomorrow figure out your budget. I highly doubt you need to make the same you do now to live a healthy life. Most of all, look outside, you are likely not in a war zone. Get some rest, and make a game plan tomorrow.

There are multiple issues raised in your post. Here are my thoughts/recommendations. First, it it seems like you do not enjoy the work that you’re doing. Is this because you feel that your job/boss/coworkers are taking advantage of you? If the answer is yes, you need to make a plan and schedule a time to speak to your boss/coworkers. You need to address with them that you have your own workload and that while you do not mind assisting and certainly are willing to step in during an emergency you cannot constantly be on call to cover everything for everybody. However, before you have this conversation, you need to try to objectively evaluate your work situation. Do you really like the work that you’re doing? Would you prefer to do a different kind of legal work? Are you really happy being an attorney or was your true desire to perform a different type of work? Evaluate whether you are, in fact, really doing everyone else’s work all the time? Are you, in fact, really covering for everyone all the time? I am not questioning your truthfulness. I ask because when someone is unhappy and/or depressed and/or does not feel appreciated, that person will perceive that others are taking advantage. Before talking with your boss or speaking with your coworkers about how you feel that you are being taken advantage of, write down what you’re doing. Are you doing work assignments that are being given to you that you think should be given to others? Are others not doing work and being paid while you are working a full load? Is it possible that you are being given work because you’re doing a good job and are reliable while others or not? This might be a positive interpretation of the situation that is more accurate. It may be that you simply need to advise your boss that you are always happy to take on the work, but that you are overloaded with work at the moment, and do not feel that you can adequately handle the projects. If you are being given work because you are perceived to be reliable or perceived to be the person who wants the work or because you are perceived to be the person who is the most capable, you want to tread carefully in objecting to being given more work. Again, it is about perception and communication. If the problem lies in the fact that your coworkers, people who do not have the authority to give you work, are simply not doing their job and you are picking up their work because you know that it is going to be a problem, then you need to address this issue with your coworkers and tell them that you are happy to lend a hand in an emergency, but that you are unable to take on their work as well. Then you need to set boundaries. The next time that your coworker tries to dump a project on you, you simply must say that you are unable to help them because of your own workload. Yes, this might make them angry and might make you unpopular for a bit, but if you are feeling overwhelmed, and you cannot do your work or cannot spend time with your family then you need to draw the line. And people who are taking advantage of you are not people that you should want to have as friends. You can work with people and get along with them without being their best friend. You can find other people to spend time with.

Second, you seem to indicate that you do not feel that your family appreciates your mental health issues. This is a different issue. You need to consider asking your partner/significant other to go to counseling with you so that in front of your therapist, you can state that you are overwhelmed and need their support. You need to understand, however that people give support in different ways. You also need to consider whether your partner/significant other truly appreciates that you are unhappy and overwhelmed. Your partner/significant other may have his or her own problems. Your partner/significant other may feel anxiety and feel overwhelmed because you are the person who brings home the most money to support your lifestyle and your partner/significant other may be panicking or scared because they do not know how the bills will be paid or the lifestyle will be maintained. Your partners/significant other may not intend to appear unsupportive, but may not know how to address the situation either. You are asking them to give you support and give you grace to do what you need to do. That said, in my opinion you need to do the same for them. Consider how they feel, and whether they are afraid and simply do not know how to support you.

Third, in my opinion, you and your partner need to have a practical, non-emotional discussion about where you are in your life and what steps you can take to address the problems. The conversation needs to happen at a time when you can sit together quietly and talk. Maybe that is hard to do - I don’t know any of the details of your life obviously - but it should not be a conversation in which you are trying to balance feeding kids or taking care of parents or whatever your situation is. Tell your partner that you need to schedule time to talk. Ask what dates or times are available and actually schedule it. Perhaps you can have this conversation in a quiet restaurant in the back corner or somewhere that the two of you like to visit that creates a good feeling for you both.
Trying to have this conversation while handling other obligations at the same time will simply create more anxiety and not result in a productive conversation.

Sit down together and you tell your partner that you are miserable in your job and that you want to find a different option. Explain that you understand that you bring in the significant/only income, but that you are so unhappy with what you are doing that you are beginning to become ineffective at your job. If you are ineffective at your job, then ultimately you will not be able to maintain your job and or your mental health. If you are fired, there will be no money.

You then need to discuss your practical, logistical, day-to-day obligations. How much money do you need to pay for your basic lifestyle? By basic I mean, rent/mortgage, food, utilities, vehicles, gas, mobile, phone, medical care, and any other financial obligations such as loans or taxes. Note – basic does not include a lifestyle that you might desire to lead, but which you cannot afford. Basic does not mean that you have to have the premium cable channels or go out to eat multiple times during the week. Basic does not mean that you need to get mani/pedi’s and the most expensive hairstylist. Basic does not mean that you need to have fancy cars or boats or live in the most expensive neighborhood or send your child to the most expensive prep school. you need to have this discussion because it is important that you and your partner are on the same page. Does your partner value the lifestyle more than you? That is what you imply in your post and it seems like that is what you feel. This is a hard conversation, but one that you need to have to understand the basis for your relationship with your partner/significant other. I doubt that he/she cares more about the lifestyle than he/she cares about you, but if that is truly, what is going on, then you have other issues that need to be resolved and other decisions that need to be made

Once you figure out the cost of basic lifestyle, then you have a foundation to address your financial situation.

I am not suggesting that you should not have or desire a different lifestyle or a more expensive lifestyle or what you perceive as a better lifestyle. I am suggesting that you need to establish a foundation for your baseline expenses. Then you need to consider and discuss whether there are other issues that are causing you anxiety in your relationship. Does one of you have a spending problem? Does your partner expect you to work all these hours and still do all of the childcare? Is the issue that your partner is not working at all and this makes you feel like you have no options? You should also think about your relationship from your partner’s position if you want to have a successful resolution. From your partner‘s position does your partner feel that he/she is handling everything at home so that you can have the job that you have? Does your partner feel he/she is contributing to the relationship by what he/she is doing so that you can have this job? Does your partner feel that you have put him/her in a position where he/she cannot work because of the choices that the two of you have made together?

Fourth, ask yourself if you would be less anxious or depressed if you felt others were giving you more recognition for what you are doing on a daily basis? If the answer to this question is yes then you should have a conversation with your partner/significant other about the way the two of you communicate and explain that you are feeling unsupported and unappreciated. Be prepared that your partner may be feeling the same. Some of your anxiety and depression, perhaps could be resolved by working on the communication that you have towards each other. One lesson that I have learned in life is that while you cannot control what the other person is doing you can control what you are doing. If you change your attitude towards the other person, then that person will potentially change his/her attitude/behavior towards you. Do you tell your partner/significant other how much you appreciate them? Do you tell your partner/significant other how thankful you are to have them supporting you? Yes, you should say this, even if you do not necessarily feel that way. Telling someone this typically causes that person to take more positive steps to be supportive and appreciative. In other words, you create the expectation through a positive communication and that person responds positively. You then get the external affirmation that you need and you feel less anxious and depressed.

If your need for external affirmation is part of the problem at your job, then you should consider working on yourself to learn to be happy without external affirmation. Beins an attorney is a difficult job. If you are a person who needs others to constantly affirm your value or worth for the work that you do, you should recognize that clients and coworkers will not always be appreciative. In fact, clients will see what you do as a business transaction. Because the client is paying you to do what you do, the client will not necessarily think that they need to affirmatively praise your work. This issue may be something you want to discuss with your therapist. This issue may be something you need to evaluate in yourself because the nature of the legal practice will not change. You will either learn to accept that you will not always receive external affirmation, or you will be unhappy because you will be constantly looking for it. When you do good work, reward yourself. Praise yourself and remind yourself what you did and that the work was good. Create a scrapbook of decisions or memos or whatever it is that you’ve been successful at doing. When you feel down, you can go back and have a physical reminder of the fact that you have been successful.

Many attorneys that are successful our goal oriented people. Set goals for yourself such as I’m going to produce a draft that does not require any revisions. While there will likely still be revisions, you will see that the revisions are personal preferences and not revisions because there were errors. Or set a goal that you’re going to Achieve a positive outcome for the client and defined the ways in which that outcome will be positive. Some areas of law do not have a win/lose absolute. Maybe a positive outcome is successfully recovering above a certain level of money. Maybe a positive outcome is securing visitation or possession and access of a child. Each situation will be different.

Consider finding an outside activity that will result in external affirmation when you do good work. An example might be working at a food bank or a shelter. When you show up and do good work others at the location will be appreciative. Maybe you want to work with Children who are at risk. Your external affirmation will be seeing a child in a safe place or receiving a hug and a smile. And before you say, you don’t have time to engage in these activities, remember what I said above, you have to consider your work situation and draw boundaries so that you have time. I do not know any good executive/boss who would object to an employee engaging in an outside activity that may result in positive recognition for the employee and/or firm so long as the employee is meeting his/her hours and fulfilling his/her work obligations.

I know this is a long response to your post. I hope that you find some of it helpful. I wish you all the best.

You’re only the bread winner because your family knows they don’t have to try. Quit and figure it out. Life is too short.

It’s giving Indian or Asian. Ultimately, you have to do what’s best for you. Better for them that you take another gig that pays less, but that is still more than zero (no gig) or funemployment.

The part about doing other people’s work or covering for others is not uncommon. You get paid to do whatever the boss wants in the allotted time/hours. Just how it is.

If you still can’t resolve this issue, talk to ChatGPT. It can be helpful in situations like this when you need cold logic.

What family? Spouse and/or kids or like extended family?

Is it possible to find another firm or in-house paying similarly? To get one gig plus a part time contract role