One member on my team (direct report to me) is a mid 40s male, and I’m a 30s female.
At times he can be argumentative with me, for example I asked him to take a look at an issue on Wednesday and he replied that everything looks fine but that he would continue to look at it (it was clear to me that he wasn’t aware on the issue at all). I asked him about it Thursday and he said something along the lines of “per my message yesterday blah blah, but you were probably distracted with school pick up”

In my experience with these issues, documentation goes a long way, as well as a discussion with you, this employee, and HR as a witness. There is an obvious grudge here that needs to be dealt with immediately before the toxic behavior spreads among the team. I would suggest that you allow this employee to air his issues first and completely before interjecting, this puts out your ability to listen and get a complete story before making a decision. I would also ask HR to allow YOU to come to THE reasonable solution in this matter as it will validate your abilities in leadership. HR will only be present to 1. Witness behaviors, offer policy guidelines in the matter, and after conversation offer to you privately, a suggestion to resolve the matter. I have also had success with giving these individuals more responsibilities or important roles to gain more experience and recognition that they crave, they either sink or swim at this point! But by utilizing this method it is all on them the results!

PULL RANK ASAP and don’t take that from him at all. I’d have a conservation about his tone and his attitude and mention how I’ll have to take next steps if the attitude and disrespect continues.

Time is hard and most of us need our jobs so I’m sure he’ll tone that down when he realizes you’re not playing any games.

Do what you have to DO!! You’re the boss and clearly he’s not the BOSS for a reason and I bet you it’s his attitude.

You need to nip this thing NOW! He is totally unprofessional. We need to be civil with each other. We spend so much time working together.

Here are some steps I would suggest:
1. Document the Interaction: Keep a record of these interactions, noting dates, times, what was said, and any other relevant details. This documentation can be useful for future reference, especially if the behavior continues.
2. Schedule a Private Meeting: Arrange a private meeting with your employee to discuss the issue. Clearly express how his remarks were inappropriate and explain how they impact you and the workplace environment.
3. Set Clear Expectations: Clearly outline your expectations for professional communication and respect in the workplace. It may be helpful to refer to your company’s policies on workplace behavior to reinforce these expectations.
4. Provide Feedback and Potential Consequences: Offer constructive feedback on how he can improve his communication. Also, explain the potential consequences if the behavior continues, which could include escalation to HR or other disciplinary actions.
5. Seek Feedback: Ask him if there are any issues or misunderstandings that may be influencing his behavior. Sometimes, underlying frustrations or miscommunications can contribute to such behavior.
6. Follow Up: After your discussion, monitor the situation closely. If improvements are not made, or if the behavior worsens, consider involving HR for further action.

He did not say that. 🫨 Are you serious??? I’m literally shocked at how nasty of a response that was. I would have a talk with him or get a higher up involved.

“I’m sorry can you repeat that?”

“Can you please repeat that?”

“I didn’t hear an answer in that, what is the answer, please?”

Point out the specific error to him. I deal with guys in my team all the time who are like this. I don’t have kids or anything but they try to be argumentative with me. It’s not a discussion imo. I hate pulling rank and only do it when I have to. I’m your boss, do what I said. End of statement.

Once you poke a few holes in what they believe to be perfect they don’t have much else they can say and you get the result you want (they take another look).

First. Document. Document everything. Every interactions, time, contexts, etc. The next steps really depend on how HR is. In some companies, HR takes this conduct seriously. In which case, I would give HR your notes, inform them that you will be convening a meeting with said person and would like an HR rep present, taking notes. They are just there as back up, you do most of the talking. Pull rank. Say while you appreciate his input, this company operates effectively because of leadership and teamspirit which requires executing tasks given to you promptly. Say you welcome his constructive feedback at any point and dimissing issues that you as his director/manager/supervisor bring up is problematic. Etc. Write your script ahead of time if you must.

Now if HR is shady at your company, I would have a conversation with said person still but document everything. Send a follow up email, "as we discussed, you will do XYZ moving forward". Then send all to HR after.

Either way. You have to talk to this person. As a younger woman in leadership positions, this has happened to me too often. You need to snip this early and hard otherwise you come off as "victim" or a thousand other things.

Leaders are firm, so be firm with him.

This is a behavioral issue that probably is against company values.

I had this happen to me and how I dealt with it was as follows:

1. Documented the times I spoke to him and what the outcomes were.
2. Gave him 2 times to correct his behavior before bringing HR to the conversation.
3. I conducted a mid year performance review and documented everything in front of HR.
4. The person in question was my lead developer and so I demoted him for that project and had a developer junior to him take his spot.
5. He was stripped of his client interaction privileges and now all his code was scrutinized by his junior.

He course corrected in no time. Sometimes you need to let him know who's in charge.

He had to work hard to regain my trust and to get his lead role back. It also hurt his pocket because he didn't get his full bonus that year because of his performance appraisal.

I point out this shit head on. I’ve dealt with this a ton. Sometimes it is just dudes being jerks. Sometimes they have something happening that is really stressing them out and I want to make sure I’m aware/able to support. One of my recent encounters- I responded like this:

Wow. Chad- that is an intense response to a simple follow up question. What is behind that?

I’ll note- I’m pretty casual but direct, generally, so this approach works for me. But I find when I later in the curiosity about what may be happening behind the scenes can help neutralize some bullshit. Not all- but some. And often I do find that they are dealing with something outside of work. I use it as a jumping off point to coach and point out that the response was hurtful and made some inappropriate assumptions based on age and gender.

And as others have said- document everything. Consider notifying HR to make that documentation more robust. If he continues to be hostile, move him off the team.

The only time I’ll say HR is your friend is when you’re a manager with a problem employee. Ask them for advice on how to handle the situation. Just talk facts.

There’s a great book called Crucial Conversations that every leader should read. Wonderful, tactical guidance on how to address all kinds of tough conversations. Keep great notes on your conversations with him and track the patterns. When it’s time to address it, focus on the pattern of behavior, not the person. Also a big fan of having him continue to respond to your question until he gives you an actual answer vs a passive aggressive comment.

Any advice on how to navigate? Honestly my feelings get hurt when he speaks condescendingly to me, but I will never share that at work.

WOW...I would have rhetorically stated "No, I wasnt picking up my kids. I was busy thinking about your performance review since I have to constantly remind you how to do your job."

Agree with all the other comments about addressing the issue, asking him to repeat himself, and being very clear that his lack of professionalism will not be tolerated. References about your personal life in snide comments are not acceptable and if it happens again its going to be a much more uncomfortable conversation.

Do not let him get to you and put you in a position where you are doubting yourself, or feeling inadequate. Those are fighting words, and don't be afraid to fight back (figuratively speaking of course)...

lol don’t get snarky like J&J said, it will make your case weaker when you need to take action.

Compassionate approach, try to connect with him out of working hours, out of delegating tasks. Sounds like he’s harboring resentment towards your role, might be a micro misogynistic without realizing, and feels threatened due to the age gap. If you can connect with him and try to get to the bottom of his real fears, might be easier to navigate. Let him know what you are up against and how you need him to partner with you to make both of your lives easier.

If he’s just an asshole, document everything and report for insubordination after you have a strong case.

Also I love telling people who act this way “hey we need to be communicating everything in the group/project Slack, no DM’s”. When everyone on the team can see, people like this are less likely to act a fool. Might help curb some of the disrespect.

May be framing it as, “can you look at that again” would help. How is issue logged and tracked? If the person who logged the issue isn’t happy about the resolution then send it back (with comments or list the expected results). I think this is also a process issue.

do you react to current situation or to any situation from your past? eg someone (eg a man, father etc) who had similar behaviour and you did not learn how to react from an adult position when such microaggressions happen?

could be a good topic to explore with a psychologist