Before going ahead to read this post, I humbly ask each of you to be kind and considerate in your replies. I genuinely need help and guidance and I truly believe that I would be able to get it on this forum - hence the post. This is going to be a long post:

I am a 35YO woman and a senior consultant at a big 4 with 3 years of experience in consulting in the US (continued in comments)

OP - I'm going to give you real advice, unlike the previous respondent who is laser focused on discrimination (real or imagined).

I'm also a female who used to struggle with perfectionism and always attaining the highest scores/ being the best. That is your issue, I think. You have convinced yourself that unless you are the top top or always getting better, you have failed.

I can't fix the thought process for you, but a good therapist can help you refocus and appreciate your clear success - and YOU ARE A SUCCESS!

Each example you gave is unique but has that perfectionism theme. If you can address the root thought process, you will find more happiness in your life.

Hi - this sounds like unmanaged adhd indeed + (very very important) tendency to seek external validation :). How do I know? Because I am you, I just got a bit luckier at every step you described. Also I’m Indian.

I managed my adhd and ended up at an mbb

1) build internal goals, not external. I remember being passed on for promotion one time but I had worked my ass off that year. I was pissed yes but I was happy that I had given my everything to be in the conversation. What drives you the promotion or the work towards it? That determines happiness
2) are you in the wrong game: most of the time we all optimizing in the wrong lane. Ask yourself, journal, search deep within to understand
3) manage your adhd: exercise, journaling, meditation


Finally don’t compare yourself to the world, compare yourself to the past you. Trust me on this, it will make everything easier and you will move up faster

. I came to the US to do my MBA from a very good school (top 15) and had about 7 years of experience before that. I am married but came here alone to follow my dream of building a great career

I came to the US and started from scratch because my career in India hit a ceiling and I wanted to take my career global

I have been very ambitious from my school days and have always worked very very hard. Did everything sincerely and worked very hard. But somehow, I was always above average (read good) in everything and never excellent or in the top 1%. Be it the boards, my graduation, post graduation, career - and this haunts me. It has been haunting me from the last 20 years. I am always struggling, have always been, but never quite got the results I want. The pattern has always been the same. Whatever I want, I never exactly got that but did end up getting something that is good - not great and not whatever I wanted. A few examples: 1. ⁠I worked hard for GMAT - day after day - for 3 years and attempted it 8 times and my score has only improved by 10 points - from 700 to 710. I gave my everything to prep for the exam. Was always nervous and anxious when writing the test. While I got 50/51 every time in Quant, I always tanked verbal - somehow always struggled with reading comprehension (even though I have decent language and communication skills) - when I would read to connect dots and understand, would forget details, and sometimes my eyes would just glance at the complex text under time pressure and not able to process the text. This whole episode left me feeling very incompetent
2. ⁠Same during my bschool when I worked day and night on my cases for McK - Did not make it. The time pressure gave me a lot of anxiety and I was unable to reason effectively
3. ⁠During my graduation, I was preparing for the IIT JEE but a very bad break with my first boyfriend (who was abusive) left me mentally and emotionally scared for 3-4 years. I lost my long standing dream of making it to the IITs and lost my prep years. Ended up making it to a decent private institution
4. ⁠After graduation, I wanted to make up for not making into the top engineering institute by making it into the top management institute in India but pattern repeats - got into a good institute but not the best (carrying the emotional burden of it till now). Could not get the %tile that I wanted in the competitive exam
5. ⁠I do not have a lot of friends at all and have always been a loner - somehow never had too many friends. I was always bullied in school by nasty girls (on my looks). I had 3 friends (so called) during graduation and all they did was find ways and means to tell me that I was not good enough because I did not look great.
6. ⁠It has been 3 years and I am yet to be promoted to a manager. My firm has had a reorg every 6 months and I struggled to find a sponsor that would vouch for me. I had great reviews but could never work with one person long enough for them to vouch - never really understood which partner to invest time with given the fluid nature of consulting. When I joined consulting, I was told utilization is imp and as the economic climate was bad, I took up whatever project I could lay my hands on - worked with diff people. When I tried to put my case up for promotion, I was told I needed more visibility in my practice. I have started working towards that by taking up more BD work but the practice I am in now (which is a new one by the way) is very design heavy and all the partners have an agency background. What has started happening is that when I pitch an idea in a certain manner (good choice of words) versus when someone else with a design background (read native speaker) pitches it using flashy language, they their delivery better. I am struggling to build a connection and establish relatability with the partners. Is it because I am a non native? because there is a bias? or because I suck at delivery?

How do I know what words to choose to resonate with them?

This is taking away my peace as my life has become completely about how to resonate with partners and be relatable to them

I also struggle with over explaining and being concise and I am working on it. I have ADHD too and struggle with focus (although it has not been debilitating). I zone out a lot and have struggled with reasoning on the fly. Am I never going to be in the top 1% because I have ADHD? I feel lost and incompetent and have also contemplated ending my life many times. I feel I have lost half of my working life and have no hope for the second half

Please guide me. I feel incompetent and lost.How can I regain my life? How can I for once get exactly what I want in my career which is fast growth. Will I ever be able to at all?

I have to say, I’m super impressed with your accomplishments, and wish I had even half of that level of educational success! As someone who went to a lower tier school and works at a Big4, it’s a grind to keep up. It may also just be that perhaps consulting is not the best fit for you, and that is totally ok - I really struggle with it myself, and am looking for an exit. It seems like you have some really great experience and could thrive in an industry position that is of interest to you. Also, not sure where you live, but there might be cultural/Indian Meet-ups (the app) where you can meet people and connect, about work or other interests (hiking, biking, workouts, etc). Please be kind to yourself, you absolutely have so much to live for and I wish you all of the best

OP I read the first paragraph of your second post and was going to say - all of this sounds like unmanaged adhd. And I say unmanaged because if managed properly, adhd is an absolute super power.

So first of all this feeling of ‘I never quite get fully what I want’ stems from two things - adhders, outside of their struggle with time and single task focus, have brains that do not produce happy… and therefore everything feels like a task and every achievement feels like a micro relief instead of an achievement to be celebrated : this does NOT mean you aren’t doing exceptionally well, but rather that you need to acknowledge that your system doesn’t reward you the way a non adhder brain does. Second, your working in consulting is certainly not helping things - this industry is a bit archaic and has not adapted to neurodivergence, and given you will find yourself needing to ‘rev your engine’ for projects you don’t always care for, you are working in the opposite direction of your brain and what it wants to do. Add to this a few other elements including the team you are working with and their intricacies, I would echo D1 and leave consulting - alternatively switch firms if that is feasible for you - and reinvent/reposition yourself: this is from experience, it can be done… finally and I know this sounds like fluff but it really is very important - be kind to yourself - not in applauding underachievement for comfort kind of way, not in the ‘lower the bar’ kind of way but something in the way you write tellls me your internal narrative is harsh. 700 on a gmat gets you into top schools - redoing it 8 times sounds like you’re trying to whip your brain into doing something it simply has no interest in - here be kind.

Read, a lot, on adhd. You mentioned u had an abusive partner: ptsd can mimick adhd/autism traits at times. Read, get informed, learn what makes your brain tick what bores it, what makes all the little nerves keep u up at night with curiosity it’s unbelievable what a change it makes to understand how your main operating engine works.
Happy to talk more - I got a late adhd diagnosis and I run amuck in the consulting world unmedicated, channeling the obsessive hyperfocus on projects I like and preferring time off over boring projects and it has worked thus far :)

First recognize that you have only been solving for half the equation for success. There are hard skills (IQ, technical capability, competence, etc.) and soft skills (EQ, communication, likability, etc.). They are at worst equally important and at the more senior levels, soft skills are significantly more important. Technical skills are almost table stakes, a slightly better test score or school ranking really doesn’t differentiate you. Consulting is a people business and relationships built over your career matter. The person that gets hired/promoted is rarely 9/10 technically with a 5/10 personality.

Develop your soft skills like you would your hard skills. Spend time with your colleagues. Find common interests. Try not to have lunch/dinner alone too often. Go out of your way to be social. Treat all interactions with decision makers like it’s an opportunity. Speak up for yourself. Treat networking like it’s your job because it is. And most importantly, try to have fun… it makes you fun to be around.

OP please, please talk to a therapist immediately to help. Your statement that you feel lost and incompetent and have also contemplated ending your life many times is a clear sign of depression; I share this struggle. You are way more than your test scores or work achievements and you have already achieved a great amount. While there is some good advice here about EQ and the importance of soft skills vs technical skills as you progress in your career, please first focus on your own wellbeing and mindset first. If you cannot see yourself in a positive light first, it is very hard to make others see you in that light. Even if you have to take an LOA, do it; it’s that important. You can overcome this but need a little help, as all of us do at some point or another in our lives. Wishing you the best.

One can do everything right and still not succeed.

Honestly, try something different and see if that’s a better path for you.

I worry about so many things… like you, I always wanted to excel but I read this from the Bible, that everything we do is meaningless. Because when we die (something certain) we will be forgotten. We chase so many things, materials, title, achievements, wealth, etc up to the point that we get stressed. Please be gentle on your self.

Ecclesiastes 1-12
Everything Is Meaningless

1 The words of the Teacher, son of David, king in Jerusalem:

2 “Meaningless! Meaningless!”
says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless.”
3 What do people gain from all their labors
at which they toil under the sun?
4 Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.
5 The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.
6 The wind blows to the south
and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
ever returning on its course.
7 All streams flow into the sea,
yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
there they return again.
8 All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.
9 What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.
10 Is there anything of which one can say,
“Look! This is something new”?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.
11 No one remembers the former generations,
and even those yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow them.

I relate to a lot of what a said esp. around feeling like an underachiever, when we see some really high achievers around us.

But let me share something that has helped put things into perspective for me:

For someone from India - graduating from a top 15 school in US and working for a Big 4 in US already puts you in a high-achiever category, esp. given where you came from. So, you have already done well on your life. The place you are at, is full of high achievers, but if you look at where you came from or who you left behind, you'd see what I am saying. You have already done very well.

Next, consulting is where the networking, visibility, perceptions matter more than hard work and engagement contributions. This is not a skill that comes naturally to many of us. For most Indians it is really tough, but some are able to learn and adapt. I saw some exceptionally good guys get 'Meet expectations' and some others who just managed perception better got the highest rating. It is not your fault always. This takes a different skill; question is can you learn and play the game? Or maybe you want to be somewhere else where hard work matters more than anything else? Good news is that you have plenty of time to explore options outside of consulting. You may find your mojo somewhere else.

Finally work and career is just one aspect of success, but we make it everything. While I may have had decent (not great) success at work (relatively speaking), I try and be do well at other aspects as well - health, family, hobbies and everything else that I do outside of work. I have accepted that I won't be a perfect 10 at everything, so I am okay being a 6/7 at work and 9 at family, relationships, and health? That keeps me calm as well. A solid 7-8 across the board is much better than 10 at work and 3 at health or family. Try and redefine for yourself how you measure achievement for yourself.

I am not sure how much this helps, but I hope it does a tiny bit. I am not a therapist - so you may also want to speak with someone qualified.

OP - I really like the advice from EY2 and D1. You are very hard on yourself. You’ve given many examples where you say you’ve fallen short, but in reality it seem like you are doing really well. Most people would love to be in your position - top business school, sounds like you have a great job. Are you at the tippy top? Sounds like no. Are you still in rarified air? I’d say yes. You mention some specific things - “reasoning on fly”. I used to fumble over communication - before meetings I would right down the key points I wanted to get across and focus on those and supporting info. It helped me synthesize my thoughts. Could something similar be helpful to you? Go through all the area which concern you, try and find concrete ways to improve. A therapist may also be useful. You are doing well, cut yourself some slack. I wish you the best!

I have found success in consulting from surrounding myself with the right people that are willing to invest in you and want to see you succeed.

It’s human nature that people are drawn to confidence. The best sales people are articulate and most of the time it doesn’t matter what they say - it’s more about the way they say it.

It sounds like you’re bright and have spent a lot of time gaining knowledge. It may be worth it to start investing in your EQ and emotional intelligence. There’s a hidden game of politics in the corporate world that typically trumps performance.

Consulting is ultimately a people business. If you don’t want to play that game that’s understandable but a different line of work may be more suitable for you.