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Am in similar boat but my kid is 8. SO needs to learn how to control her passions and de-escalate, rather than get sucked in and lose her shit, so that she can role model how to behave to kid. As of now kid will say “but I learned how to behave like this from you!”. I need serious intervention and will take the family to therapy. Things need to change. I can’t help you OP, but you’re not alone.
EY1 - she is widely known as an easy funny lovely kid. But she has a stubborn and quick tempered streak just like her mom; mom and her can escalate disagreements super fast. With everyone else kid is fine.
I struggle with figuring out what to do with my kid when he reaches an age where this could happen. Growing up therapy, talking it out wasn’t an option. If I was disrespectful to either of my parents I got beat. Not like go to hospital bad but enough to be like damn shouldn’t have done that. Its interesting to see how adults my age talk to their parents now totally disrespectful but they expect their kids to be respectful. Agree with the thought model good behavior for your kids
Going home. Need to temper this, has anyone done family therapy before?
Wow, 8?? That's scary! Why do you think that is, McK? Have you guys inadvertently created a monster somehow? My daughter is 8 so genuinely interested.
Family therapy! Honestly in my limited experience learning how to communicate is the only thing that will help and that needs impartial input.
Focus on communicating well when things aren’t tense. That way, when things escalate, you’ve built up a dynamic where you can have a more tempered discussion.
Give your kids an outlet to share their feelings. It will help you and your wife become better parents and address the needs of your kids in a tailored way.
Treat it like feedback on the job. You should aim for both upward and downward feedback Hold family meetings weekly, where both you and the kids can discuss what worked and what didn’t over the last week. Then plan what you want to change next week.
I’d also recommend reading The Secrets of Happy Families
Also, don’t retreat from this. Your role as a father and husband is more important than ever
Stay out of the way. Inevitably, they're going to triangulate and it will become your fault. Best thing to do is let things play out.