Hi all- Need advice on how to handle a boss that continuously undermines me. I was brought in specifically due to my wealth of knowledge in an area, my decisions are back by our process and data, but if I say chocolate she will make sure she says vanilla. Esp when dealing with critical stakeholders, she makes sure to insert herself, be combative and try to argue the most innocuous elements (e.g., a word I used).

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ugh and is always the women managers…..ladies we need to do better, is not always a competition

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Seriously. I worked on a team of 7 women two years ago- I should have ran in the interview once they told me that in an excited girl power tone. It was the most traumatic work experience of my life- not that all male teams are better. Balance is key

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I’m leaving a job after decades due to this. I will let the silence of my absence speak for itself.

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Also to add- I have recently become aware that there is a long history of her doing this to other people. If not for her, I would love my job. I have confronted her on more than one occasion but nothing seems to change. Also have been looking for other positions, but not a lot open in my field over last 8 months.

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Going to offer something that may seem controversial or may feel weird to you if you don't have any aggressive inclinations.

When I notice certain patterns with people who do things deliberately I try to shake these patterns deliberately. I do this by making people uncomfortable. It sucks sometimes, but it often needs to be done to make a room aware that something is amiss.

I would suggest you make bold statements in a chipper tone like, "Oh, I see you're disagreeing with me again today!" or "Why don't I let BLANK speak first since she often has better ideas (or has more experience, whatever)." or "BLANK can you please explain why what I'm suggesting won't work once again?"

It's not enough to be sweet, you need to be salty. You also need to be prepared for pushback. This woman wants you to seem unreliable and uneducated in your field. If you know you aren't then create room for debate and argument. You don't have to win, necessarily, but you can't let what she does just keep sliding around like a bad oil spill. Time to shake the table.

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I was just going to say the same thing. Some leaders value people while they're external, but once they're internal suddenly they're "not as smart" or they start to poke holes in everything and put people on the shelf. It's rooted in the same insecurity that leads people to "overhire," and ensure their competition doesn't get ahead of them. But they have no interest in progress. See if you can get her partnership by having her speak first, calling out her "support," etc. Talk to you peers to see if there's anything that helped them as well. There may be a pattern you haven't seen yet that can ve used to build trust.

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It's so disheartening especially when it comes from another woman. I wish I had a better answer but you likely just have to go elsewhere. I loved my team but had to exit for my own sanity.

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Can you think of a way to give her some ownership in the decisions you make? Make her think she played a part? Not ideal of course, but maybe work can become bearable. You may be able to learn/understand what makes her behave the way she does. Knowing more about her issue may enable you to come up with a better solution. Maybe you can at least last semi-comfortably, until you find a different position.

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Thanks for the good advice! I may try this and just see how it goes. Need to think through the how a little, but I think you’re right that she clearly needs to feel like she’s played a role

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Quit 😂

It’s unfortunate, but we’ve been conditioned to be like this. A job opening would become available and they need to fill it with a female because they have to meet quotas so we have to compete against each other for that position. In reality we should all be lifting each other up so that we have more of these positions we are filling but we’ve been doing it this way so long a lot of people have a hard time getting out of that mindset.

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