I got some great, and puzzling l, advice yesterday from my boss, and need to figure out how to address it.

I’m 32 and work in a male dominated sales field and my peers are mostly men that are at least 10 years older than me. My boss informed be that during a talent assessment conversation, most of senior leadership had things to say about me and agree that I have great potential to advance to a higher level soon. She said that my biggest opportunity at the moment is this (see comments):

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Read up on how to be more approachable. You might feel you are less threatening than you are perceived by your peers but focusing on approachability should solve most of this.

likehelpful

I agree on the like ability piece, but unfortunately think my issue is the mirror image of what you said. They seem to talk my attempts at being conversational, friendly, calling to get to know them and build relationships, all as a waste of time and almost childish. Some of that may be my approach, but I think some is group think as these men have worked in this group for quite a while. Maybe I need to look at different ways of connecting.

You may try reading Own Your Greatness by Drs Lisa and Richard Orbe-Austin. It’s on imposter syndrome and walks through a process of understanding your and how to let go of it. I have to reread it and go through the process when I’m not listening to the audio book, but evening listening without doing all of the process helped me to stop assuming my colleagues have negative persecutions of me to the degree I thought they did.

Kudos to you for owning it and trying to solicit ways to address this piece of feedback. My instinct tells me that because you're smoking them, they aren't naturally going to reach out because it will make them appear as if they don't know what they're doing. If it were me, I'd figure out a way to casually swap stories with them and become a safe confidant. Develop a peer relationship with them that let's them know you care about them as people and that you're not perfect either, and they'll feel more comfortable being vulnerable with you. Good luck!

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Oh, good! I'm so glad that was helpful. Egos are really powerful things and you clearly want to help them. Have fun!

Is it a case where peers aren’t reaching out to you because they’re actually competing with you instead?

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Yes and no. We are competing to a degree but it’s expected that we collaborate to best practice share, help each other grow, etc. We go to each other for help before the regional VP, this is a company norm. Same for levels below and above me.

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Definitely reach out the men you already have a relationship with and get their input. They probably have a good idea of how you're viewed by your male counterparts that aren't your biggest fan.

I would try to win them over with food and humour. Bring in yummy treats once in a while, it sets a positive tone. I don't think you'll win them over as a group, you'll probably do better with a one-on-one approach. Ask a male coworker that you're on good terms with if he'll join you for lunch with a male coworker you're not friends with. This way you can start creating a relationship, but you still have a mutual friend to help dissipate any awkwardness in the beginning. Then start dropping by their desk randomly for quick chats. Do this with everyone and over time you'll build a better rapport. Start with the one you think will be the toughest nut to crack. Otherwise they might dissuade others from socializing with you.

Keep in mind, no matter what, you're not going to click with everyone and that's okay. You'll have some success here and some failure. But at least you're trying.

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Thank you for this! Unfortunately I don’t work in an office and I actually rarely see these men, all but one of them work in different cities and states so all communication is typically phone/teams/text/video call. But I can potentially do some in market visits and will definitely be reaching out to the guys I know. As I’ve been thinking through this I think one issue I’ve had in the past is that I did reach out to a couple guys and all they said was they didn’t think the other guys had an issue with me and had no advice on what to work on. I think I got discouraged there when I kept having problems and should have realized I just spoke to the wrong guys.

She said senior leadership sees I have great potential and feel I could advance, my staff trusts me and willingly follows my leadership, but for some reason even though I’m “smoking” my peers in performance (her words not mine), they don’t seem to feel the same and never reach out to me for advice, guidance, etc.

This has been a pattern for me in my development but I never saw it until she put it in to words. I’ve tried reaching out to my peers and am working on some relationships but most of them seem to be stuck in their ways and don’t care to do so with me. Im not willing to say this is entirely their fault for being resistant and feel I should probably be able to do something here to build a better reputation for myself among my peers. What can/should I do? I feel like this is a blind spot for me.

Definitely rely on the male counterparts who do respect you and try to get them to include you in stuff. At my last job I was the only women in her early 20s and a counterpart told me I was diversity hire 🤡 I’m white and have experienced a lot of privilege in my life so to call me diverse speaks volumes, ya know? I was never invited to get or eat lunch with them, they went to “Analyst happy hours” and I was always excluded. Similar to you was well respected by senior people and given a lot of responsibility that other people at my level were not and nothing changed in how they viewed or treated me…

Anywho I never felt respected or welcome there by anyone my own age, so I moved to a companies. I remember the look on all their faces when they heard I was leaving/where I was going because it’s a highly respected and prestigious firm. In my new role, I’m surrounded by a ton of women my age and it’s so much better. Not saying you need to switch jobs but it really wore on me that I had no peers who viewed me as a peer when I did more than any of them (for less money 👎🏼). I got almost a 50% raise when I jumped and now I’m happier and we’ll respected. I was also 4 years younger, and overall less confident at that point in my life. Now go get what you deserve!

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