I have an SVP who identifies as "not a follower" and this makes her difficult to manage. She's extremely effective at the role and well respected but she and I have a volatile relationship. I have no idea how to assert authority over someone who does not want to be managed, and I've made attempts to be firm and to be affirming and nothing works. At this point it's like one of us to go for me to be ok, but I'm not going to fire her. It's affected my physical health. I'm at a loss. Please help me!

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Identifies as? That's not an identity, it's insubordination. In an organization, there's a hierarchy of decision making, otherwise there is chaos. If you are the boss, your SVP needs to follow. You can absolutely take their advice, consult with them. But at the end of the day, they are there to execute a vision. Presumably it's your vision, or the CEO's, or whoever is at the top. If this person wants to make all the decisions, this person better be a founder, owner, CEO, or a paid consultant whose job it is to get everyone else in line. Otherwise, we are all followers in some way.

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It may be time to earn those big bucks of yours. Who's the boss? You answer that question first and then ask your SVP. If she gives you the wrong answer, tell her not to let the door hit her on the butt on her way out because you don't want butt prints on your door.

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I am going to suggest a couple of other ways as you are both senior enough that the “I am the boss you listen to me” may not be appropriate at your level - now it should really be partnership.
1. With VPs and high performers I take a coaching/advisor approach. Interesting thing, constantly questioning them to be excellent, about the short comings in performance (not character, not tasks but team) and about getting better is they have to always - what’s next. Think of it as coaching a star athlete (sorry for sports analogy :-)
2. Let her know directly we don’t have trust in each other and that’s why this isn’t working. Following directions is not being a follower, it’s building trust.
I need you to agree
3. Flex your muscle and transfer off of your team - I’ve done that a couple of times. I realized that and confronted the person that they were a disruption to team. If don’t want to be team then let’s have you move on.

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This power struggle y'all are having is ridiculous and unfortunate. If I were you, I would start to document what you're experiencing if you have not been doing that yet. Then, I would connect with an HR Business Partner to invite this report to a collaborative meeting— a solution-oriented discussion to develop a plan for how you will execute and work together in the workplace. Not saying you should REPORT this person to HR as the first step. But you as a leader should be leveraging the resources available to you by the HR/People team to guide your reports.

Also, I know you say she is "extremely effective in the role" but I think too often, leaders evaluate their reports using quantitative data when the qualitative data matters too. If she is working in a way that is "completing the job" but that's going against you so much that you are having physical issues due to the stress, then she is not "extremely effective in the role" because she is creating a hostile work environment for you and that hinders YOUR performance. All roles at a company are connected at the end of the day bc they all drive up to the company goal. If an employee cannot complete their work without DEPLETING folks on their team (inclusive of leaders), then they are actually NOT "extremely" effective.

I can also probably guarantee that the negative experience you have with this person is not isolated. Other people are feeling it too. Have that mediation meeting. Make sure it's not about attacking them or even venting but about having a solution-oriented discussion for working better together. Hear them out. Make sure you're heard as well.

No change in behavior afterward? Then I think you should consider that there are MANY people in the job market currently or maybe even folks internally who deserve to be promoted — who know how to be effective and who will welcome and respect your leadership.

Instead of trying to assert dominance over someone who thrives on autonomy, shift your approach towards collaboration and partnership. This SVP clearly brings valuable skills and expertise to the table, so leverage her strengths and build a team dynamic where you both contribute your unique perspectives towards a common goal.

In some ways, people that thrive on autonomy can make life a lot easier. At the executive level I don’t want to manage anyone (I don’t have time for that).

It sounds like the two of you have had battles, and she probably no longer has respect for you because you “got down to her level” and engaged in fights

I have one that is kind of like this and what I’ve done is become very matter-of-fact and far less friendly (e.g., I don’t turn my camera on in the one on ones since she wasn’t doing it, only business talk)

I have given clarity around the outcomes I am expecting. I have created goals around communication and interactions with internal and external stakeholders (which includes me). Ratings will reflect performance.

It’s not personal.

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