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new to the bowl, just saying hi!
Please help me with below
My DOJ is 30th Oct22
Hey Fishes Looking out for a job change and came across vacancies at Deloitte India as per my profile and experience. Can someone kindly help me with the referral. That'll be great help. Have been trying from a long time to switch but nothing fruitful yet. Your referral might make the job hunt a bit easier so kindly help. Yoe: 3.3 Profile: SAP SD associate consultant Immediate joiner
Deloitte India
Thanks in advance for your help.
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Move back to the same room and split the night routine. You are both working full time during the day.
Separate advise from the night shift....
Literally try to sleep as much as possible during the day. Everything else be damned. Everytime baby sleeps, lay down and try to sleep.
You will resent him for the rest of your marriage if you don’t fix this
I’d recommend shifts at night. One of you is “on call” 9pm - 2am, then the other one is on call 2am to 7am. Other person gets uninterrupted sleep during that time.
Pump milk for husband to feed during his shift. Either sleep in the same bedroom or switch off on spare bedroom in the middle of the night. You’re so close to baby sleeping through the night. Another 1-2 months! My husband and I struggled with the same issue. The shifts should continue through sleep regressions as well.
Ultimately what’s fair is you and your husband getting an equal amount of downtime and sleep. Taking care of baby = work.
My other recommendation is to do chores while baby is awake (I used to plop mine in his bouncer or carrier) so that his nap times were my true downtimes. Also as long as your baby is fed and in a safe place it’s ok to put them down to shower and take care of yourself even if they’re fussing. I used to drag a bassinet or the bouncer into the bathroom and have a quick shower every day. It was a non negotiable for me.
Address it asap. He works during the day, you’re ‘working’ too to take care of the baby. We’ve always split evenings and nights because everyone needs a decent block of sleep to be ready for the next day.
If it’s within your budget I highly recommend getting a night nurse 1-2 nights week
Pro
That helps but I will say if husband isn’t understanding his responsibility, outsourcing it won’t fix the problem. It’ll just be a (super helpful) bandaid.
Talk it out and come up with a compromise. Start with one night during the work week and one night on the weekends that he stays on baby duty and say that you need time out of the house as well without the baby ❤️
I’m also on maternity leave and my husband handles night wake ups. When he goes to work in the morning, our nanny comes to help me during the day. I think your partner needs to do better, you literally just gave life to a human.
If you don’t address it now, it will continue as the baby gets older. Ask me how I know.
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I just returned from mat leave as well.
My husband did the night shift the whole time, even when i was nursing, he would get up to change the baby and put the baby back to sleep. When we shifted to pumping/bottle feeding, he did all the night shifts even though i was getting up to pump. He would also take over childcare whenever he was done with work. We would take turns cooking/caring for the baby in the evening.
Even then i felt exhausted during the day when it was non stop care taking. It really wears you down, esp if you are pumping/nursing as well. And even with so much balance, my baby still had a slight preference for me at times which made it harder for my husband. I suggest talking to your husband and figuring out what a better balance is so he can also feel confident with the baby
Chief
Are you nursing? If so, then its totally fair.
And during the week, you can take a nap when the baby does. He cannot. However, ask him to take Friday and Sat nights. Phrase it has a gift for him to bond with his child.
I am wondering how this arose? Is this cultural (that you sleep in the infants room), did you start doing it out of convenience? Did he suggest? ( rarely happens but does)
You need to have a discussion. Good chance that if you moved out of the bedroom for convenience, he may be feeling left out.
Also know this is a short period of time. You are tired. Sleep whenever your baby does.
Chief
There is no correct answer. Me, I didn't mind and since I was nursing it was much easier for me, versus him having to warm up a bottle. For the most part, we started in the same room and I got up if she woke and then stayed on the day bed in her room.
1st question
Where is the baby? In the master with you? If you are not sleeping in the same room, you are getting no benefit from your husband not being there, and he is getting minimal. He likely still hears you get up and move around the house, but goes back to sleep. He can do that from the master.
If men haven't been around babies before. They can feel very lost, and if the baby is always with you, he/she may be fuzzy when handed off. Don't be too quick to take them back. It sends the I'll just do it, it's easier signal.
What do you ask him to do? He has no idea what needs to be done. Babies don't come with owner manuals. Moms figure it out trial by fire. He doesn't know the baby needs to be changed. So ask him to do it. (although mine never did- the whole little girl thing threw him).
Time to eat? Ask him to fix the bottle and feed her. The more you involve him, the more he will do.
Every dad in my neighborhood is out pushing strollers after dinner this time of year. And early Sat and Sundays Easy ask. No instructions needed.
Do you make a big deal to the baby when he comes home? Look Daddy is home! Not saying shove a baby in his hands before he changes clothes ( unless he wants) but start the positive association...Daddy =yeah! Especially if he travels, also show his picture and talk about him when he is away.
If you need a night off, say. I really need to sleep a whole night ( but you probably won't) can you do baby duty tonight?
I would at least have him stay with you Friday and Sat nights. You need to connect to him. Part of the resentment brewing may not be him not doing more, it may be feeling disconnected. More hugs are needed for everyone.
And ask him to do other nonbaby things, that prior to now wasn't in his wheelhouse. While it may be obvious to you, if it hasn't been his job in the past, unless he is super husband it won't occur to him. And to be far, would it occur to you it's time to change the oil in the car, or time for the annual heater check if those had never been on your do list.
Do not be mad because he can't read your mind. You didn't come with an owner manual either.
Not okay. You are both working when he is working and you should both be on duty and ensure the other has some downtime when he's not working. Right now he's working his 8-10 hour day and you are expected to be 'on call' for all 24 hours. Your 'job' is caring for the baby when he is at work. And he should be a real parent when he's home after work - do things together, take turns, split the load, etc. That's a load of garbage that you should be doing everything because you aren't "working."
What has your spouse said when you shared that you feel the current set-up is unfair? This should be a conversation when you are both relatively well-rested. He should take 3 nights and you should take 4. And hopefully the baby will be sleeping through the night by the time you go back. Please be careful as he's already showing you that he views your job to do the heavy kid lifting in terms of time and responsibilities, and it sounds like you are hoping for more of a equal parent. I would have these conversations (with a counselor if it doesn't go well on your own) as soon as possible before habits get even harder to change.