Mother of 2 under 2 - high achieving corporate woman & spouse wondering if we’ve been sold a lie. What do families do to make it make sense? Seems like burnout is the only option for working moms. Dads’ opinions on the topic also welcome.

Context - have already hired for childcare and cleaning but the sheer learning curve of navigating new humans and mananging work / household logistics while being a present parent just not enough hours in the day. Not to mention sleep deprivation and illness.

I know. The only way that made sense for us was for me (the mom) to leave the workforce for a while. Exhaustion, resentment, and anxiety no longer describe motherhood for me. Money is tighter, but we are all much happier and are a healthier functioning household.

If you can afford it, outsource it. Cleaning ladies every other week, laundry pick up every week (wash & fold) and grocery shop online & delivered. House is messy...I choose child, husband and career over perfect home.

I manage the family calendar and just got a skylight calendar - helps us stay organized.

We split mornings and afternoons, I do drop offs husband works very early for a Euro company so manages pick up and dinner.

We have no backup care (grandparents far away or too old) so our backup is all paid for. We have a family friend in his 20s who we took in, he does not pay rent but when either of us travel he picks up the drop off or pick up, he works at a local daycare so awesome with our kiddo. This has been super helpful this year...I feel like there is an opportunity here with young people who are trying to make it work in careers that don't pay much.

My husband and I vacation separately once a year, so that we get actual down time. I like the beach... he likes to camp.

May get our first weekend away in 4 years since we now have the trusted family friend.
I have one child, he is now 7, I probably would have had a second but the pandemic happened. Up until the age of 4 we had au pairs, to reduce the need for drop offs and pick ups.
It is not easy and the only way we manage is through division of duties. Having it all is not possible - there will be times when you are prioritizing your career and others where your family comes first. Having a partner who is there with you, is the most important part.

Teacher professional development days, sick days, school vacations all need to be a discussion; not a foregone conclusion that you are the default parent, if you want to have a career not a job. Having a boss who gets it is wildly important, a boss that recognizes you and knows you get your work done even when you step out for a school performance.
Scheduled send on outlook and teams is your friend, if you work weird hours to catch up, if you lead don't make others think they must work those hours too.
Each year gets a little easier...I advocate for doing the math... stepping away is not just income lost (401k, raises, struggling to enter at the same level you left, network, etc) but if want it then it is worth the world. I was laid off during my maternity leave and used severance, maternity and unemployment to extend my leave and it helped a lot.

My wife and I have the same struggles. Child under 5 both have demanding careers. The only way I found it to work is having an understanding manager and and understanding job overall. This past easter break we had no child care and I had to choose to keep him home and work from home at the same time (Or try anyways). It does get easier.

My wife was an attorney at a firm as a litigator and I worked closer to home, and we just had au pairs until the girls were school aged and then nannies until started working remotely from home.

I was the default parent until my wife switched from the law firm to working for the government, but it really got better once they both were in school, then got easier every year after that.

They are 18 and 16 now and it's been easy for quite some time, but the first 6 months of my youngest daughter's life was the toughest period of my life by far. Having a 2 year old and an infant was the most painful decision we ever made "on purpose." But you and they will survive it.

But get the help...au pairs cost less than daycare (if you have the room in your house) and you don't have any of the stress of managing drop offs, pickups or even getting them dressed in the morning. You only get 45 hours a week and for us that was 8:30 - 5:30 M-F. Any time beyond that we paid (usually the au pair) for baby sitting separately. So it's not like they "raised" our girls, they were literally in home daycare with the emphasis on day.

I have 2 kids that are 17 mths apart. I had the 2 under 2 when covid hit and was forced to be home with both kids and work a high stress job! Dad was also home for those couple of months but it was still mass chaos until daycare opened back up. I agree with others saying it's a rough season of life. I am the breadwinner but to us it's not about who makes more. We still have to tag team and find ways to work together, especially as they age. We just coordinated who is taking which child to activities since they both have them tonight. My husband helps cook and does all the vacuuming. Our house is messy all the time. A messy house stresses me out but I've had to learn to accept it because Id rather spend precious time with my kids than clean/pick up. Allow yourself to be present when you are with your kids and not focus on work. It's easier said than done, but I've gotten in a good routine of leaving work on time and working after the kids go to bed because I don't have enough time in the day. Make sure you have child care that works for your needs - if you need early drop offs and later pickups then make sure you have it in place. Those young ages are the toughest years and I promise you it gets easier!

My wife had the same situation, she was a COO at a company of about 3,500 people. She, like you, felt she had been told a lie about balancing work and family. Shortly after our 3rd kid, she quit to focus full time on the family. She became much happier, less stressed. And since she had been a COO. I just put my paycheck in the checking account, and she managed everything. Yes, we had to reduce and simplify our lives going to one paycheck. 3 times since she walked away from Corporate she has been offered to come back. Turned them down all 3 times because she loves being with the family. I would strongly encourage you to consider it. Of course, your husband needs to be onboard, and your lifestyle needs to able to sustain on one income.

Besides the daycare and inlaws helping,i would say a general big change that happened with me now that my kids are 5 and 2 is the mentality. It is a long hard winding road towards accepting a new norm. My husband is an er nurse and I am a full-time wfh 3d artist. Gone are the days where I can have so much control over when I can idealy do stuff. Something as simple as a Saturday to do all the laundry,meal prep,or deep clean is not realistic. I have shifted to doing all house tasks whenever the opportunity presents itself. If there is a 5 min window, i clear the counter. It there's 10 mins, i vacuum the open layout living room dining combo because thats where most dirt pile up and its so stressful to see not clean. I will deal with the rooms whenever it is of dire need of attention.I feel accomplished as the week progresses knowing that i have done all i can to maintain what i can .Enough to enjoy the weekend.
I have also accumulated the skill of recognizing my thought patterns. Example:If i see something that catches my attention and say to myself, "i should do that", what it really means is that I feel this impulsive need to do it because I feel like a failure if I don't. Hence, i then recognize that the task is not as important. More often than not it is something I don't really want to do in the moment anyway. So mentally releive yourself of these burdens. We are surrounded by things of "shoulds" when it really shouldn't be. Instead I have reframed most of them to: I could ,but I don't wanna. THere are better things to do right now. I feel like as a mom, we have to numb ourselves out of feeling ,thinking or noticing too much lol. Example: I don't wanna clean up all my fallen hairs on the corner of my bathroom floor as I have just noticed it while I sit on the toilet pooping .
Also it is good to Acknowledge that your professional drive and the work that you do feeds into your identity. I am a creative person and without the ability to create,i feel that my soul withers. My work is so tedious and time consuming that cutting on hours feels like a recipe to burn out until the output is complete. Working less hours would also feel like disturbing the creative flow and process-and thats why artists hate meetings. Knowing your personality strengths and weaknesses is key.
Using your critical thinking skills at work can be used in your personal life. It may be hard to admit that your life schedule is something to solve but hey- things could be worse. At least you're solving something that matters to you and are acknowledging that something needs to be improved upon. Life is a journey and this family journey is forever with your husband. Talk and find out what can be cut back and what's important to you and him. For me, I need family time out the house. It is non negotiable. I know he is tired working 12 hr shifts and i am tired of being at home all day. So something's gotta give. I give him events on fb that im interested in and he goes through the list to see what his energy is up for. You got this! If u want more realistic examples lemme know!

Your children are only young for long. These are precious times. Before you know it they will be off to college. I decided to work part time for a few years until they started school. I was grateful my employer supported me. Once I went back full time, I made sure I was home by 5pm. I helped at school functions when I could. Yes, I did travel at times and worked some nights and weekends. I have zero regrets and I have great relationships with my young adult boys. Listen to your heart.

One of the things that I did was prioritize my life goals much in the same way I prioritized my work goals. From the time I picked my child up from child care until she went to bed, she was my number one concern and I made sure she knew that. It as all about her and her needs until she went to bed. Even if I was cooking dinner she was involved. Once she went to bed, I did ordinary house hold chores (I was a big advocate of put away what you get out) and one big chore, then it was me time until I went to bed.

I think we have been sold a lie. Its not beneficial for our health to be pulled in so many directions. Looking back if I could have employed a cleaner and go someone to batch cook, it would have made my life easier. But I didn't earn enough money. I took 4 year career break . I still did a few self employed projects at this time. What I learned during this time influenced my career and what I'm doing now.
Take some time and find out what is really important to you. To keep going requires a sacrifice in your health, to stop and pause may mean a change in your lifestyle, living on less but you may find you can work things out. Both decisions require a sacrifice of some kind.

Thank you! Robo vacuum recs that actually work?

Some handle it better than others. You weren't sold a lie. By handle, I mean everyone doesn't get stressed about things or just handles stress differently.

Also, a having a partner who does his fair share was vital. (This seemed like a call to moms and it is so sad that working moms apart of a couple are still doing it all)

I also was attending college 3 nights/days a week. And I am still here and better for it,and the kids are doing great. My ex wife, well she's doing, something. Probably feeling sorry for herself like you

It's a prioritization game for me. What needs attention now is what I focus on. Whether it is kids, work, or homework. You've got to let go of the parental guilt. We do what we have to do. We cannot be perfectly present parents, but we can do our best for our children in our context.

I work full time, teach part time, and am working on my MBA part time. I have two toddler and two teenagers. My husband is working 7 day weeks. I wish I could afford help for cleaning, but we manage. It's not as clean as either of us would like and we are in a stage where we just kind of have to accept that.

Eating healthy is a struggle because often there just isn't time to cook a good meal. Sundays always my husband does a big meal with leftovers. I try to get at least one solid meal in through the week with leftovers. And we will make due and eat simple or eat out.

I know from experience I am in the thick of it and it will get better. I also know my MBA will be done soon, and that will ease some pressure. My folks live nearby and are able to help with sleepovers fairly regularly which helps with needed space to recharge.

I want to find ways to improve healthy habits like getting more exercise and eating better now though rather than waiting to be done my MBA, etc.

If you believed you could actually "have it all", then yes, you bought a lie. You can't. Something has to give. Since you chose to bring human beings into the world, that something should be you.

Clearly, you're extremely proud of being a high achieving corporate woman. Great, except if that's your passion, why did you have kids? Serious question, not a judgement.

No, there certainly aren't enough hours in the day to do both. Children aren't an accessory for your successful life. They are humans who deserve one full time parent. Anything less is cheating them, even though that's not popular to say. It's a fact.

Sometimes, it's not possible to give a child a full time parent, but you say you have a spouse (it 's not clear whether your spouse is also "high achieving"). You have kids, it's time for one of you to grow up and figure out that when you choose kids, you're actually responsible for them 24/7. It's not anyone else's job to raise them for you. That's your learning curve.

If you're smart, you'll realize sooner rather than too late that being a parent is more important than having fancy stuff, exotic travel, and bragging rights about a job at parties. For your children's sake and yours, I hope you do figure it out sooner.

You have to pay the price. I.e. burmout.

Wow, your post grabbed my heart. Context - also high achieving, corporate woman and wife. Had kids at 38 / 42,was established and babies still made me crazy. Survived 2008 downturn and recently worked for a company acquired by private equity - churn and burn. If you're in that environment, reconsider (it's not the norm and your efforts are replaceable). My kids are leaving for college, want to share everything with us and come home for holidays and vacay! That is joy & success.

Recall your best childhood memories / interactions with parents. For me - bedtime stories, songs, special activities like trips zoo (annual pass). We didn't have 'screens' and kids entertained themselves. Define what being 'present' means to you. You don't have to be there all the time, nor solve all their problems. Problem solving builds confident competent people. Tell work they are asking too much - not kid related. If they value you, they help or adjust expectations. Or, find a job that challenges and fulfills, but doesn't kill, you. A burnt out Mom reduces joy, Mom's ability to be present, and models a pattern you don't want your kids trapped in. Maintain Mom friends and old ones. Share social time, kids time. Be honest with friends/family about what you can/can't do -- financially, personally or timewise. Ask for help! In 2008 downturn, I said, "I just can't do the fancy bday parties." Everyone breathed w/ relief and also downscaled. Perfection shouldn't be the goal. Love, happiness and fulfillment are goal.. Create memories with your kids to be cherished even when you AND they are gray haired . Brings joy, builds strong, independent and competent people..... Also, regarding the "lie", it is not about parenting and working, it is about our world and formed over three parts. One - Social Media -- everyone shows their best, curated selves leaving others feeling inadequate or striving for unachievable. Stay off it. Keep live connections with the people who matter (calls, text and email). Two- our current unsustainable economic situation. The increasing gap between rich/poor and concentration of wealth in highest income groups, lack of affordable health care and the unaffordability of housing is a totally different dynamic than when my parents or I were starting out starting out. (I bought my first house, a beat up fixer upper at 22.) It also doesn't emulate the structure of the United States' prior periods of prosperity. Three: You don't need the best, biggest or newest thing. Our consumerist economy is flawed. Give away your old stuff. Accept used stuff from those that are done with it. Stress is bad for your health, causes poor sleep and weight gain -- not good for Mom!! Hugs to you. You can do this!

I did it with three and was the higher earner. For me, there were three fundamentals to making it work.

1. Minimize crazymaking - set realistic expectations for yourself and be ok with them. (You mentioned “managing household logistics.” If this is much more than get groceries, pay bills, maintain house to a minimally acceptable standard, then it’s too much.)

2. Partner with your husband on this effort just as you would with a colleague on a deal. Schedule a time (send him a calendar invite) to complete #1 above together (you could think of it as defining deliverables or outcomes). Then develop a project plan/design the process to meet those expectations. Assign workstream owners (you’re in this together).

3. Find childcare that meets your needs, rather than creates more burdens. Deloitte has an EAP (which is a free and highly underutilized benefit), I’m sure. Most EAPs have a service that assists in finding and engaging good childcare. Call them and take advantage of it. Also, do a deep dive into the full benefits offerings both at Deloitte and at your husband’s company and identify any that would lighten the load for you in some way (or have an AI model do it). Like EAPs, these often are highly underutilized benefits (look in the “wellness and well-being” section of your benefits summary) that can add enormous value.