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There’s always people like that. One thing that worked for me is documentation and paper trail. Also, if I need to communicate to a manipulative person- I try to get witnesses and communicate directly, clearly and concise.
After I do, I play dumb and email the summary of the communication with an appropriate amount of information and appreciation.
Also, if you have a suggestion- bring it up and suggest it openly and let your boss know what you’re doing and how it will benefit them.
Lastly, PATIENCE!! I wore your shoes and it’s frustrating, I was patient and I won because you will be the bigger person, not act out of emotions, and be strategic.
Manipulative people read people and know what triggers. If you react the opposite direction and not comment they get scared! Cos they don’t know your next move.
Not sure if this helps but it worked for me.
I have a similar issue. I have a ton of patience but my male team member does not action the coaching I give him. He does not say no but just does not do it. Every request from him is always last minute and urgent which tells me that he does not plan his work ahead or isn’t engaged enough, he refuses to give me any visibility into how he spends his time and what items he is working on. I inherited him as part of the team and have used every tactic to get him to come around. But he hasn’t . Also, I can’t be 100% truthful with his feedback as the company had a different structure last year and there was room to hide. They re-orged this year and there is no room for this person to hide behind others achievements. But he was considered a good team member because of certain things that went his way last year.
Document everything. Go back as far as you can and create a timeline. If you have trusted friends on your team that can back you up even better. This can be classified as a type of workplace violence and harassment.
One thing I am doing is reaching out to everyone this team member has worked w to get feedback. Since they won’t give me visibility into their work and output is not good, they have left me with no option but to find out the truth through people they have work w closely/ cater to.
Sorry to hear. That sucks.
- How long has he been there?
Is the boss your boss as well? Do you share the same manager?
- Does this boss like you?
That’s hopeful! I would 100% buddy up with her as much as possible. Make her feel like a good leader, feel seen, etc. Bosses have insecurities and they will side with people who visibly respect them or feel like they have their back.
And then once you have her trust, you can advocate for what you think is right.
I’ve had complicated coworkers and I did complain to my boss, and he made changes happen. But I did have his trust first. Or this could’ve backfired.
In the meantime, can you get off his projects? I’m sure chat gpt has some good responses about you wanting to stay productive therefore you would prefer working with someone else.
F
We have similar issues in our firm. I was even reprimanded for being ‘combative’ when i didnt lay low by his buddy. I spoke up and addressed the manager whole called me such in management meeting and asked to describe exactly how i was being combative. He couldn’t and apologized. Thankfully (not really but) he treated other girls the same and one spoke up as well. He got reprimand and had to take classes on managing. hR was notified. All i can advise as always have integrity, dont have anything anyone can fault you with and document it to a t! Dont take it personally and treat it as any other harassment at work. Find others who are treated the same. Words of multiple people are a lot more powerful. Then bring it up with evidence to a superior. Copy Hr. Have everything documented and never be emotional just state facts from your perspective. If a company cares they will nip it. If they dont time to find one that will. Both of the guys at fault treat me 100% better now and are super respectful. If they want to keep their jobs they’ll adjust their attitude
I would start documenting meeting notes, being detailed about discussion items and who flagged them.
Offer it as a way to better document decision making and keeping the full team in the loop.
It won’t help with his behaviors in meetings, but will overtime tell him you’ll express your concerns like any other team member should. And when an issue arises that you were concerned about, it will be documented.
Mentor
I would suggest a book - crucial conversations.
What I find with some personalities, I need to say, “because of X, we need you to do y.” Be concise, direct and specific. And then follow up via email with the meeting notes.
And as someone else mentioned, document!
After all that, then I would say see if any managers or counterparts that work with this individual have some suggestions on managing this type of person.
Dealing with a guy very similar except he’s just very smug and arrogant for NO reason.. he’s very new to the industry.