Being approachable seems to cost women more. I’ve been told I’m easy to work with, which sounds nice, until you realize it means picking up admin work, smoothing egos, and getting passed over for the meaty projects. Somehow, collaborative becomes code for you’ll handle the grunt work no one else wants. I don’t want to turn cold or unhelpful, but I’m tired of being the team’s emotional support lawyer. How do you stay kind without becoming everyone’s assistant?

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I hear you, and as women we are also socialized to be accommodating people pleasers, which makes it feel hard to push back on this dynamic. You have to separate the concepts of being collaborative and easy to work with from the concept of saying yes to everything. Those aren’t the same thing, and it sounds like people are taking advantage of your unwillingness to say no. If you know what your career goals are, then especially as a woman you need to be assertive in going after them, because other people will gladly continue to benefit from your accommodation and you sort of become a leaf in other peoples’ wind. So you need to think about this as protecting your time so that you can get where you need to be.

Practice pushing back a little here and there on low stakes items; if you’re not used to it, it might feel really brazen to you, but at least in my experience, it doesn’t come across that way to others because a lot of this pressure to be warm and accommodating is actually coming from within. Try to change that and you’ll start to realize that other people do this all the time and that’s why you’re the one getting walked on. Then harness that energy and affirmatively go after what you want. Which partner gets the meaty projects? Go into their office today and say, hey I’d really like the opportunity to work with you. And then when a project comes up, go in again and tell them you want to work on it. Delegate admin work. The egos thing…depends what’s going on and with whom, but based on the tone of your post I would be willing to bet that there’s a lot of room for you to pull back before anyone would even notice a difference.

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Hard agree. I recently realized that my efforts to outwork everyone has translated into me being treated as the agreeable yes man. I am now expected to perform at a high level while being okay with/staying silent to slights, picking up others slack, taking on random BD or pro bono cases, etc. Bad feeling that I’m afraid won’t bode well when my time comes to be seriously considered for partner. I’ve stopped putting in effort for office culture things — not showing up to happy hours, not making an effort with the newest classes of juniors unless they work for me directly, saying no to CLEs, etc. I’m also probably going to lateral lol

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Delegate that work down to juniors, paralegals, administrative assistants and let those who you work with know that you have capacity for more substantive work. You don’t have to be mean to set those expectations and boundaries.

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You should always (in a reasonable manner) review the work you delegate no matter what level you’re at. However, OP is a senior associate according to the title so this advice is directly for OP.

I highly recommend the book "The No Club" by Babcock. It's about NPTs (non-promotable tasks) and how they're pushed to women at all levels, and punitive measures are present for women who resist. While it doesn't offer a catch-all solution to the issue, there are some ideas for resistance and its very validating.

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When it's time to let people go they'll remember how approachable you are. This is a good thing.

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That just sounds like a you problem OP

K

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