Help!! Our 10-year-old is out of control and destroying our family. He always had behavioral issues but quarantine has made our lives a living hell. (Cont’d)

I’m going to get yelled and abused for this, I would spank the kid.

Yes may cause psychological issues and yada yada, but I grew up fine so did my sister and most of my friends.

Full disclosure, I am Indian, this was and is still acceptable in india ( may shock folks here or not), but it works.

My son has been diagnosed with sensory processing issues, executive functioning issues and ADD. The quarantine is particularly difficult on kids who need a routine - which is most kids with attention issues.

A few things to consider:
1) exercise is non negotiable. Get him a pair of running shoes and go jogging with him every day. Like...every day. Maybe even twice per day. Do you have a basketball hoop? Can he hit tennis balls against the wall? Can he carry heavy piles of books from one end of the house to the other?

2) if someone is screaming, you’ve already lost control. Don’t scream - don’t engage. Walk away. I realize this can be easier said than done, but no one wins if it becomes a screaming match. Just don’t engage. Leave the room, leave the house - know your own triggers and do not engage.

3) Time outs don’t work for some kids, including mine. When my son acted up, I would make him do jumping jacks or sprints. His teachers did the same.

4) if this is something chemical, watch what and when he eats. If his blood sugar is spiking and crashing, it’s going to make things much worse. Don’t let him eat total junk and make sure he’s eating on a regular basis.

He isn’t doing anything TO your family. He is your family. Have you been to family counseling? That should come about 10 steps before any discussion of medication.

I was spanked growing up. It started off with just spanking, but eventually, that spanking turned into my father’s favorite outlet for his rage and my brother and I were getting beaten (not just spanked, I mean beaten and bruised to a point where the school was asking questions and my mother was making up cover stories because she thought we would get taken by CPS). I went to the hospital 3 different times because my mom thought my father had broken both my wrists.

I understand a light slap will probably not traumatize a child, but I want to point out that physically hurting your child, especially a 10 year old who is getting close to puberty and his formative years, is not a good solution. And especially since OP’s son is already getting physically aggressive, hitting him will throw more fuel on the fire.

In my family, the spanking and subsequent abuse started because my brother was behaving much like OP’s son. The physical violence actually aggravated my brother more and caused him to become more violent with me (his sister) and eventually violent to people he met in school. It turned into a vicious trend of my brother acting out, my father becoming violent, and my brother’s behavior worsening, until both my father and brother were physically attacking each other and me, while I cried quietly and did nothing. My brother continued to be violent as a teenager, as he was so traumatized by our father’s behavior, and he would threaten me with knives and try to strangle me on a weekly basis. I was the well-behaved kid, but all of that violence from both my out-of-control brother and from my father caused me to seek therapy in adulthood.

Hitting your children is not the answer. Therapy is.

Spanking doesn’t work for every child but it worked for mine. My daughter was mostly stubborn, flat refused to do what was asked, throwing fits. Normally bratty kid stuff. Timeouts were a joke, taking things away didn’t work, grounding didn’t work until she was older. I’m not talking about getting drunk and beating the kid. I was calm and collected and if I wasn’t I’d have her sit on her bed until I was. I never spanked her out of anger. The last time I spanked her she was 12, she stole from a store and got caught. I had warned her ahead of time if you ever get caught stealing I’ll get the belt out. She got caught and I delivered on that promise. Maybe it was extreme. That girl never stole another thing the rest of her life, so it worked in my book. Everyone has an opinion. I was hard on her. I did what it required to turn her into a decent person. If you fail there is a good chance they won’t make it as an adult. She’s currently 21, works full time, goes to a university, and gets good grades. It didn’t ruin her. She has thanked me as an adult for steering her in the right direction. Every kid is different. Yours might require meds. My sister has one like you describe. She just survived it until he turned 18 and threw him out of the house. I fully expect him to spend most of his life in jail. The moral of the story is do whatever it takes. The outlook is grim if you do nothing.

Has he been assessed by a professional? Has your family sought therapy to help develop coping mechanisms? At the very least, I would absolutely try to do a virtual therapy session with a licensed professional right now. I wouldn’t jump to medication just yet

At the end of the day, you and your wife are the adults and have complete control over your actions and reactions. He doesn’t. You have the power in this situation. Don’t forget it. Stay calm.

Because there’s a whole bunch of psychos here, I feel obliged to share this. I was not as bad as your kid, but had untreated ADHD until 13 and was an asshole. My dad did hit me, and all it did was made me fear him as a child and dislike him as an adult. He and my mom were not together. My mom was about a thousand times more effective and scary as a disciplinarian than he was without ever raising her voice. In fact, absolute silence was her best weapon to deal with her frequently shithead-ish children. I learned pretty quickly that she would.not.engage. when I was trying to get a rise out of her and that snapped me out of that shit really quickly. We’re best friends now and I have nothing but gratitude because she taught me how to be level-headed and calm in stressful situations as a result.

OP, get your kid to a psychologist, keep your cool, and do not negotiate with terrorists. Exercise and clean up your diet, all of you. Have a family meeting and seriously communicate expectations and punishments, and stick to it. Go to couples counseling to discuss a compromise on trying medication should a professional recommend it.

This child needs medical care, and only a doctor would know if meds will help, not me. But I can tell you I would be sitting in a doctors office Monday morning if this was happening in my family. And ALL treatment options to include Impatient care in a mental facility , out patient care, meds all would be considered. Only a doc will know what could help him but keep an open mind. This is a totally off the charts issue and maybe a significant course of action is needed. Doesn’t mean you don’t love him. Means you love him enough to fix what is broken. He cannot have a productive happy life like this and better to address it now. This is way beyond normal and maybe he needs more help than you and your wife can offer him. Better do it know while he is 10, wait till he is 16 and can really harm someone.

I used to be a troubled child and can remember it pretty well. It wouldn’t help that parents were constantly yelling at me - made me go even more crazy. It helped most when my parents were calm to me or when they gave me the silent treatment when I was throwing a fit. I’d wear myself out just from the tantrums.

Also having a form of entertainment was very useful - I binged on TV and video games and that was my “alone time”.

But by far what helped was just being around people who were calm and not frustrated because the moment my parents would yell / nag / argue, i would 🤯

I know the quarantine is hard on him yada yada, but literally no amount of kindness and understanding, schedule-making, rewards for good behavior, time outs, NOTHING is working. He’s violent, hitting us, throwing and breaking things, cursing us with the foulest language, refuses to do anything we ask, wakes up and immediately causes trouble. He’s causing screaming fights in the family all day, every day, and we can’t take it anymore.

He was like this before quarantine, but at least he went to school and had music lessons and sports.

My wife is very against medication (I’m all about it) and I’m not sure how we’d even get it in quarantine, but this is unsustainable. Don’t want to end up a story on the local news! (Mostly kidding.)

Has anyone else gone through this with a very difficult child? Did you put them on medication and did that help? Any other advice you can give?

Thank you in advance!

Everyone who is suggesting beatings is basically advocating child abuse and needs to know that it is not a joke. Children right now are being physically and sexually abused because they are stuck with monsters who can’t control themselves and deserve to be in jail. Watch the Trials of Gabriel Fernandez on Netflix if you need to see it for yourself. An eight year old beaten to DEATH by hos so called mother and boyfriend who thought they were tough asses. Only WEAK parents with ZERO morals beat children and don’t deserve them. Please pray for children in these abusive households and PLEASE if you see any sign of abuse on any child DO NOT ignore and call the police. You can save a child’s life.

Our 11 year old has had language, texture/taste, motor skills, attention and anger issues from the beginning. This meant getting in trouble at school with other kids, not making friends (even with his younger siblings), failing to learn, etc. He begged off every activity we put him in (music, art, tae Kwon do, soccer, baseball, skiing, skating, etc.)

We got early intervention starting at age 2 and all kinds of psychologists and psychiatrists (in addition to special ed and psychologist help at school). We even got the drugs one dr. prescribed (vyvanse I think) but stopped short of giving them to him.

He is starting to turn a corner though and his teachers can’t say enough about his social, emotional and academic development in 5th grade.

To echo the exercise point others made, the thing that helped a lot was 30-45 minute 1:1 walks. He constantly talks about everything on his mind - I provide feedback and coping strategies although he appears mostly not to listen. But then he’d surprise me months later referencing something I had said on a walk that he’s taken to heart.

I know first hand how hard and heart breaking this is - so wanted to share my experience, let you know you’re not alone and it has nothing to do with your parenting skills. I can’t tell you exactly what will do the trick with your kid but I know something will and you’ll get through this. Good luck

Wow this is an alarming thread. Really sending good thoughts to some of your all’s kids.

Had similar issues with my son, not as extreme but slightly younger age. We ended up taking him to the child development center at a nearby university with a major medical center (in my case, Yale) to have him evaluated. It was pretty thorough, he spent probably 8-10 hours in evaluation over several sessions, wasn’t covered by insurance so cost about $2-3K, and was the best decision we’ve ever made. We gained so much insight into what makes him tick, he had a much better year at school this year and his behavior at home improved significantly - all based on the recommendations suggested coming out of the evaluation.

Honestly, there’s lots of advice in the above posts, but it’s all worthless until you learn what you’re dealing with.

Have you tried jail? Not like a real jail but pretend you are the police & criminal justice system and he is a criminal, here is how you practically do it:

When he is having a violent tantrum, act like your a police officer responding to a 911 call. Ask him what he’s doing and make sure you tell him to keep his hands out of his pockets, if he is acting crazy, tackle him and keep screaming “let me see your hands” & “put your hands behind your back”, then handcuff him or use some rope constraints.

Then take him to a room and have your spouse play the judge or the sheriff, and say “ I was responding to a domestic disturbance call, got a (add race/ethnicity) male, 5’0 tall, 110 pounds, he’s going to be charged with domestic violence and resisting a police officer” and put him in a room.

Then you become the prison correctional officer and he’s the convict. Feed him 3 times a day, he can only come out for exercise. Give him books to read and maybe let him draw on himself with a sharpie so he can get his tattoos. Treat him like he’s in prison. After a certain amount of time he will rehabilitate and pay his debt to society and come out ready to assimilate as a good citizen.

The American justice system never fails and you need to implement it to save your son, otherwise it could be his future!

Definitely seek the intervention of a trained professional. It doesn’t have to be a psychiatrist who prescribes medicine; it could be a licensed behavioral therapist, or a psychologist who specializes in kids.

I made another post in this thread about my violent brother and my father’s physical abuse, but I want to say one more thing. My brother behaved much like OP’s son, and my parents never TRULY got him the help he needed; they just figured he’d grow out of it, and thought it would resolve itself between physical beatings delivered by my dad, and simply growing up. But it didn’t.

He is 27 years old now and still has angry outbursts from time to time. Two years ago, he got into such a vicious argument with his girlfriend, he punched her in the face. He was then arrested for domestic violence. You have no idea how heartbreaking all of this was.

He ultimately did not have to serve jail time, but had to take a mandatory, court-ordered anger management course. And I have to say, that anger management course truly made a world of difference in his behavior. I can only look back and wish he had taken something like that when he was much younger. He learned how to handle his emotions in a constructive way. He still occasionally has outbursts now, but nowhere near the severity that I used to see and much less frequently.

I’m not saying that this is what will happen to OP’s son, but please know that if you don’t address these behavior issues now, it may very well carry into adulthood. Please think of the long-term issues that this could become.

Can’t you give him an iPod or something? It did help when I was younger

This brings back memories, and not good ones. Our oldest was definitely challenging: abusive, violent, really scary. And if you think it’s bad now, just think: in 3-4 years, he’ll be bigger than your wife, and probably your size.

That’s when you realize what a bad idea corporal punishment is. Some of the other advice above may help you, but none of us are professionals, and we’ve never even met your kid.

Ask around: find the best doctors and therapists who specialize in whatever best diagnoses your situation. Once you understand what you are dealing with, you can build a treatment program into your lives.

Americans are too soft. Think medicine fixes everything and then their children grow up to be drug addicts. Put him in the closet and pull the belt out.

They'll never act out of line again

Not sure what types of restrictions are in place for where you live, but try to get him doing something outdoors even as simple as a hike or running around. Might be a way to work off some energy and frustration