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Have you ever yelled at your coworker in public?
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You should ignore them. Cut them out of your life if you have to. You don’t deserve to be bullied.
Very sure these are Indian relatives. Please make sure you have cut them out of your life
Omg how did you know!
Oh man that’s so aggressive. You can avoid them or turn the mirror back on them. I prefer the former. “You can’t fix stupid”
OmG who is that? Super toxic. Limit contact for sure
No no no. When they bring it up, say “I’m not willing to engage in this conversation” and do not stick around agent they start pulling out old clothes and tape measures. If it continues, tell them it is inappropriate for them to comment on your body, period.
SA1, yes never settle for anything less than what you deserve. And don't get me started on deshi men! This is why I married someone non-deshi and he accepts me and tells me I am beautiful every day. But my deshi family has so much opinion about me, I am constantly questioned how I landed my husband considering how I am not pretty enough!
Coach
Besides the fact it’s none of their business, and you have stated you have many serious health challenges to deal with, your family member has some toxic control issues. You’re 25 and have your own life by now, and this sounds like psychological abuse.
If this is a behavior they expect you to participate in willingly, take control of the situation by bringing the clothes with you to a private space and decide what you want to keep and donate the rest in a black garbage bag. If you want none of it to start with just say so and walk away. “It’s out of style” will suffice. (I’ve recently done the closet declutter challenge and donated anything that made me feel bad or wasn’t flattering- it’s so nice to see only what I want to wear that feels good!)
When someone is criticized for weight, it can result in a lifelong battle with self-esteem, self confidence and emotional eating/eating disorders. This is a serious topic for your peace & sanity. If you don’t have anyone supportive to talk to about this research online so you have some ideas. This topic is a pretty extensive rabbit hole. Also some good stuff on YouTube under narcissists and gaslighting. I like Mel Robbins.
Coach
Your struggles are pretty common, unfortunately. There’s so much out there now about body positivity, and self acceptance. You don’t have to have a conversation and explain yourself to anybody. The next time it comes up just cut it off & walk away. They will never understand. It doesn’t matter if they do. Just protect yourself. The number on the scale has nothing to do with your self-worth. It’s just the gravity we have on this planet that is a function of physics. People play many games with us to try to control us but you already see the game and you are several moved ahead on this chessboard. Feel free to limit your exposure to toxic people and you’ll find yourself feeling much better.
If this is an older family member this may be a deeply ingrained way of thinking passed on to them early on in their life, and they never had the capacity or resources to rise above this thinking. Likely they’ve been a victim of this in their own life, even if unconsciously, and now they are projecting their pain and fear onto you. How sad they have lived their life thinking that weight factors in to how we measure a person’s value. I feel compassion for *both* of you and am sorry this happened to you.
Things you can do: voice how their actions make you feel and ask them to stop. Can you explain to them how your health affects your weight? An explanation may be helpful if they don’t know. I realize disclosing health info might be uncomfortable for you, and that asking someone to stop bad behavior should be enough without you having to justify why, but just brainstorming what might be effective here :)
Another thought: Maybe you’re from a culture where you don’t speak back to certain family members? If so, there could be a way to approach this that manipulates them into a place of sympathy vs criticism. Manipulation doesn’t have to be a negative thing; we’re human and we’re born with this part of our psyche for a reason, so use it in positive ways to your advantage.
With the exception of the mentally unwell, most people will often treat us how we allow them to treat us, so before you take any advice in the following paragraph I suggest taking time to honestly examine what you can do on your end to help stop this family member’s behavior. That said…
…If the behavior continues, leave. Distance yourself so that contact is minimal/civil, or fully cut them out of your life; if the latter, not without telling them why as it’s not be fair to others to disappear for “no reason.” A lot of adult-children of subpar parents (or other close family members) struggle with distancing due to cultural norms and feelings of guilt, especially in the beginning. One way you can minimize guilt is treating others with compassion and respect as you’re preparing to part ways i.e. keep your communication calm, kind, and loving (in other words, take the high road). The decision to create distance is really up to you, but in my opinion this is a viable decision if all else fails and an investment in your greater happiness down the road.
I also want to say that you can choose to distance yourself from someone (a parent, a sibling, a romantic partner, etc) and still love them and even feel gratitude for them. There is good and bad in all of us, and some days you might actually find yourself remembering the good parts; go ahead feel what you feel, no need to fight yourself on this. Just remember to also take care of yourself first and foremost at the end of the day.
Wish you lots of luck, there are many people in similar situations going through this.
Thank you so much for such a thoughtful response. I can tell you are a compassionate person. I am letting this person live with me as I want to be able to help them out. And like you said, this is one of those relationships you don't talk back. I am trying my best to keep an open mind and end this cycle of abuse with me. I will never pass this to my child.