When do you give up? Wife has been depressed for some time now. I’ve been doing everything I can to help. Changed cities hoping this would get better, got her professional help.

OP.. I can’t imagine how hard it is to be the support person for someone with chronic depression. I try to because my husband has been my rock through 8+ years of dealing with my mental health battles. I want to say don’t give up, but also take care of yourself. And communicate what you need from your wife.. it’s fair to put a timeline to things.

I recommend going to therapy together.. it could be as simple as joining her once or twice to get a better understanding of her red flags and how you can better support her, but also a way to communicate that you have needs from your relationship.
There’s no cure for depression and it will likely be a lifetime work for your wife. The first step is accepting responsibility for getting better- no one can do the work for her. And many who struggle with depression will tell you that it improves when we get up and start accomplishing things.. some days it might just be making the bed or putting away dishes, but that feeling of accomplishment carries to the next and you do a little more. It’s hard when you feel pressure and guilt for not doing more.. typically when these things overwhelm me I want to procrastinate by watching all the Netflix and garbage tv.
I ask my husband to help hold me accountable, but sometimes his encouragement feels like I’m being pressured (to do things I asked him to remind me to do). I find that something that really helps me is when I do accomplish things he acknowledges them- “thanks for unloading the dish washer”... “the floors look great, you worked really hard on them.”
It’s taken years and working honestly helps me a lot (I tend to spiral when unstaffed) but anything your wife enjoys that she can get out and do is a start. After 6-7 years of really working on myself and partnering with my husband to better catch my red flags and whatnot, I finally felt like I could have children and not be a detriment to them.. we have a son who will be 1 in February and in so many ways he gives me life and more reason to stay and be healthy.

I know this is really long, but i hope it helps. If you need anything, please dm.

Hey OP, I’ve been through something similar, way too similar

My ex wife was bipolar/depressed for a very long time. We got married because of insurance after she was admitted to psychiatric institution but I loved her (and still do, probably will forever) and we were already engaged

After another year battling her issues she tried to commit suicide, I was the one who found her and took her to a hospital. Which again led her to a psychiatric institution. I decided I wanted to be coliseu to family and we moved, she was unemployed at the time and to pivot her career anyway

Once we moved, she decided to stay at her moms because of how much we work and she didn’t want to spend that much time alone

It sucked, hardcore sucked. I missed her like crazy and saw her maybe twice a month. But she was supposed to work on her condition. I also started therapy so I could handle everything a little bit better

She started giving up on treatment, and could not break the inertia of pain, sadness, depression, not trusting doctors...
I gave her a few ultimatums of “if you don’t take care of yourself, I’ll need to leave”

She didn’t take care of herself, she tried to commit suicide again, and I left

All of this to say: it sucks, you need help, she needs help
You can’t make her better, this is not a project that’s failing and you throw more effort into it. It doesn’t work if not coming from her
If you feel like she is fighting and you love her and you want to stay, then be strong. If any of those are not met, maybe you should leave (or not it’s truly up to you). But get help, it’s too much for one person to do

After separating (still not divorced so she can stay in my health insurance for longer and get treatment) I’m happier and so is she, I still love and miss her, she still loves and misses me. At the end of the day I helped her not hit rock bottom, and that was enough to not try and make big life changes, really dig deep and focus on recovery

OP, nothing that she does is your fault. If she dies to depression, it’s not because you did or didn’t do something
You deserve to have a life, you are person and shouldn’t be always a caretaker

Got her professional help and she’s being talking to a psychologist for 6 months weekly. She just started to see a psychiatrist and started on meds. Very little change over the past 2 years. She doesn’t have a job, sits at home all day, no friends that she sees when I’m not around.

I try to get her to sign up for clubs, the gym, find a job, volunteer, but she complains that I’m putting pressure on her; yet if I don’t say anything I feel like nothing will change. She’s watched all of Netflix and amazon prime.

I try to stay positive around her and encouraging about the future of our relationship, but lately she’s been saying that she knows that love isn’t always enough to go carry a relationship.

Feeling deflated right now because I felt like she was finally making progress until a small fight last week set her back into a tailspin.

I’m 34, she’s 29, I want to stick around and help her turn around, but starting to get concerned it will never happen and that we’ll both miss our window to be parents.

I feel like I’ve tried everything and I’m out of ideas of how to try and help her. Don’t have anyone to talk to about it because i don’t want to share our troubles with friends or family ( who might judge her and make things worse)

At what point would you call it quits? So far, I’ve been blaming her troubles on depression, which i realize is very difficult to get out of. But I feel like she isn’t doing enough to get herself out of it and I’m out of ideas On how to help.

I don’t want to leave her because I love her to bits and I know that things will just get worse for her financially, socially and in many other aspects, which will further contribute to the depression. Afraid something would happen and that I would never forgive myself.

Looking for advice and guidance.

Your a more patient man than I OP. I applaud you. I’m gonna get flamed or even have my comment hidden by the fb gestapo but there is always a cut off period. I’ve suffered through depression myself but at a certain point I had to seek rather than be carried. Just my 2c. Here we go... bring on the replies.

She’s got to go to therapy. And she has to want things to get better.

I think you should write your story down and share it with your friends and family. People forget that loved ones carry much of the weight. I have a parent who is mentally ill. Family never talked about it. It wasn’t until I started telling people about my life that I felt like I wasn’t alone. Check out NAMI. They do a lot of support for family members. At some point though, your well being should become the priority. I’d stop trying to get her help. Only she can change her self. Live your life and if she doesn’t want to join, that’s her call.

Hi OP - sorry to hear of your current situation. Sharing some advice based on what I saw helped work.
1) Getting your wife psychiatric help and medication is critical. Many make the mistake to only get therapy, which is only effective in addition to medication. Meds will take 1-2 months to start showing some impact.
2) Moving to a city where your wife has a support network will be a huge help. If you are on the road, you need to help provide her a support network. Asking her to sign up for classes or gyms etc will not cut it.
3) You need to get a local project and/or reduce your travel. This is for enabling the local support network for her.
4) As soon as your wife is feeling a bit better, she needs a job or volunteer activity. Staying at home is not helping her depression, and is in fact making it worse.
5) Don’t be ashamed of this depression. This is very real and happens to many. By opening up to friends and family, you will see how those that care for you/her will start to show more support, which is very important.
6) You also need to go for therapy, as you are also most likely suffering from depression given that is what you’re dealing with at home.
7) Make sure you find activities and interests that help keep your sanity. Weather it’s a weekly happy hour or outing with friends, please make it a priority. It will help.

Lastly, I wish you well. You seem to be a good guy and are trying to help your wife. In the process make sure you also take care of yourself. Sending good vibes your way!

OP,
Others have already given good advice. My only further advice is to avoid feelings of guilt. Ultimately, you may need to divorce because if you want children, the relationship will only become nore complex and difficult to endure. Fortunately you are both still young.

My family has a lot of mental illness on my mother's side. I found peace with them only by restricting the amount of time I see them and avoiding their constant verbal abuse when they go off their meds. It was my choice to protect my own health.

My heart hoes out to you. You seem thoughtful and caring. You deserve a fulfilling, loving relationship.

OP I’m in the same boat. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t want to commit yet.

Thank you all again - it’s very helpful to hear that there is a path out of this.

The adjustment period will take time with her meds

I know of my friends who came out of severe depression after they experimented with psychedelics. It's a gray area and that's why I have never tried it but it has done wonders for people.

OP I wanted to tell you I’m in her boat and have tried everything. I literally teeter between hitting the gym to control the goals I can control and ending my life because I literally don’t care about any goals. It isn’t easy being in your wife’s shoes, and I feel like if I saw my husband’s posts in an app on his phone saying these things about me the urge to die would become stronger.

It isn’t fun waking up everyday watching the same movies over and over not caring because you’re not really watching them. It isn’t fun watching other people’s lives like a movie in which you’ll never be a character. The biggest betrayal of life I can think of is when someone I love leaves my side because he can’t do anything to make me happy, so I’m suddenly less than other women. He’ll trade me out for a greener model.

It’s a hopeless thing to be trapped in it. There is such a thing as caregiver burnout, but that’s what marriage is right? For richer or poorer? In sickness and in health?

It’s odd but try to focus on the good times and amplify them. When you focus on this problem and it’s ins and outs it somehow amplifies.