I'm not the softest woman, I struggle to "rest in my feminity." How do I express my needs to my partner without it coming off as criticism or critique?

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Use I statements when you speak. For example instead of “you never take out the trash!” Say “I feel x when I have to take out the trash every week. I would appreciate if we could discuss aligning over chores.” Instead of “you never listen to me when I’m upset!” Say “I feel upset and unheard when I share about my day and my feelings aren’t validated. Can we work on our communication?”

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But on a more serious note, if you're not already familiar, see the reinforcement theory of motivation. There's also a chapter on this concept in "how to win friends and influence people".

What does “resting in your femininity” mean to you? It means different things to different people. Once you know what it means to you, you have to figure out if your partner can provide for that definition now or if you feel there are positive changes he has to make. It also sounds like you have some work you need to do yourself. I suggest you speak to someone about why it’s hard for you to be soft and then figure out ways to make changes to be softer. G’luck!

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As soon as I figure it out I will tell you; I struggle with this too.
I have found, asking for a hug randomly, helps some, but I don't really want a hug when there's 9000 things that he should have, but hasn't done.

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