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That’s screwed up. More from the lack of trust and the lack of respect of your personal boundaries. It shows lack of consent. I don’t think I’d be able to forgive it either.
Years ago an old bf fessed up to reading my phone msgs while I was in the shower, after feeling bad about it. The shock and feeling violated were incredible and with me to this day. He said it was because I had gotten some texts during a movie we were watching that I read and replied to but didn't tell him who it was so he got jealous. I couldn't believe it. The trust was broken forever. We dated a while longer but it was never the same. It's also made me a little paranoid about these things with others...
How did you find out? Not okay. Someone who invades privacy won’t stop doing it. He needs to find security, and as long as he seeks it externally it won’t last.
A wise lady once told me, “The root of all problems is insecurity and lack of communication.” What he did to you is terrible—but it’s a reflection of how he feels. And he’s insecure about something. Try digging and see if what you find is worth staying in the relationship.
Good luck OP!
Insecurity. Yep.
I know everybody has fears and baggage and trauma and I don’t want to be insensitive to that. But I’m also not a doormat either and I don’t know if I’m able to trust this process now. :(
I don’t think this is something that you two can get over. It seems he has a lot of work to do in therapy and for you, I think this is a huge violation of your privacy and I think it breaks trust beyond healing. My opinion is to break up with him, if he did this while you live apart, once you move in together.....
That’s awful....what was the reason? Maybe he’s desperate to get inside your head
Time to show him the door. You can unring that bell.
Like you said there’s a lack of trust but have you tried to talk about why he’s so insecure or does he shut down? Why did he feel the need to do that? There’s an underlying reason that you guys can talk through and address. Not justifying what he did is right and not telling you to believe him but he was honest about doing a terrible thing to you and worth hearing the why. I would want to know even on the brink of breaking up with him.
Couples therapy? What he did was horrible. Whether or not you can forgive it is a choice you make. It's not an "if you can", it's an "if you want to".
Therapy might also be beneficial for him to help resolve whatever security issues he clearly has. There may also be things he needs from you but doesn't know how to ask you for to help curb the behavior.
Either way, it's whether or not you want to try and save it, or just walk away.
^ @LB agreed. So unfortunate because I love him but I don’t know how I can feel safe taking this leap with him now. Breaks my damn heart.
@Art Director, totally understandable. And, honestly, in my opinion, now that he has done this, every time you leave the house, take a shower, fall asleep before he does, I think you will worry about what else he is snooping into... I really don’t think this is healthy for you. As much as it hurts now, you are preventing pain in the future by not being with him. Wishing you good luck!!
He told me because he felt bad about it, that’s how I found out.
Did he want to talk about something he read?
Thank you, everybody.
progress.
It came from a deep place of insecurity and self sabotage. We’ve been discussing getting an apartment together and I think shit was getting too real and he was hoping to find proof I was cheating or doing something that reassured his insecurity and anxiety. He didn’t find shit. But now I don’t know if I trust that he’s really working on his issues. He’s in therapy but apparently that hasn’t helped much in the last year.
He’s probably trying to find out what you really think of him. Or if you’re interested in someone else. It’s an insecurity thing I suspect...