Parents, do you ever regret not having a third kid? I have 2 toddlers and really on the fence about having a 3rd. Raising these 2 was so tough that my husband and I have been separated twice. We are early 30s and very busy with our careers. I’m on track for promotion to Director at big tech and don’t want to take Mat leave at all. I’m also starting my doctorate next year. MY GREATEST FEAR is if anything bad (God forbid) happens to 1 then we’ll be left with just 1 which is too close to 0.

Please get your marriage strong before having a 3rd

The third child cannot replace a lost child. It is not a one for one.
I have three and it did make a big difference to go from a man to man defense to zone. Being outnumbered can be overwhelming, each kid wants one on one time and has logistical needs that often exceed my human capability.
At this point the older 2 are old enough to play well and the toddler just wants to knock stuff down and mess stuff up. It will get better but this is a hard phase.

That’s a super weird reason to have a third…did you experience some sort of trauma to induce this perspective? Encourage you to talk through your rationale with a therapist to figure out what’s best for your family. You shouldn’t grow your family based on irrational fears. I’d hate to hear this was the reason my parents conceived me.

We’re 6 months into 3 (4, 2.5, 6 months). I work in a demanding consulting environment and am pushing for partner promotion this year, spouse stays at home with the kids. Every kid and family dynamic is different but holy hell the infant stage with the 3rd has been hard for us even with both of us being at home for the first four months.

The differing and competing needs and schedules of all the kids means neither of us ever really get a break even when we’re intentional about it and it’s so much more challenging to get out of the house and go anywhere. I make an effort to be around every night for dinner and bath/bedtime but that means logging back in at 8 and working till after 10 or 11 most nights.

It’s hard, we’re beyond exhausted. But every day it gets a little easier and we’re both glad we went for 3. I’m optimistic about what life will look like once #3 is sleeping reliably and more so once they get to walking and talking.

TLDR, some say the 2 to 3 transition is much easier than 1 to 2 but that hasn’t been our experience. I would focus on your relationship with your spouse before jumping into adding the disruption of another kid into your family life.

I have 3 boys (9, 6, and 3). My third, despite being my hardest pregnancy, has been my easiest baby and easiest toddler to date. But I would never call 3 kids easy. In fact, I'd call it incredibly difficult.

You've included a lot of vulnerable information about your mental health and your marriage, but it allows people who are less emotionally involved with your situation see that a third child really isn't the solution here. It will likely make your life (and marriage) exponentially more difficult.

Perhaps it's time to consider a puppy?

Based on your post, I wouldn't recommend a third. I think your WHY is fear based versus purpose based. Don't have kids for a worst case scenario. Have them because they themselves are your best case scenario regardless of everything else. Doesn't sound like that right now.

We have 2 (teens now) and absolutely do not regret only having 2. Your post lists a whole bunch of reasons to not have another one, including your greatest fear. Don’t have a kid to plug a future potential hole

We have 2, they are early 20s now and I don’t think I could have handled one more. For me, it still isn’t easier now. When I talk with my colleagues that have young adult kids we all talk about how the late teen/early 20s have been the hardest years for us as parents. Young adults have real adult problems and don’t have the experience to deal with it. One of my kids has issues with depression and I worry about him daily.

My mother-in-law always said 3 is the hardest number of children to have. But the 4th child is the easiest. She calls the 4th baby the “cruise baby.” So if you go to 3 might as well go to 4 🤣

We had twins and then a surprise singleton and are debating having a 4th in a couple years. We’d be 34 and 35 so it’s the last point we’d feel comfortable having another.

It’s a real fear, so no judgment from me. We have a 4 (f) and 2 (m) year old that are best buds (yes, they also get in each others hair and fight plenty too), and we’re about to welcome #3 in a few weeks. We wondered if a third would disrupt the balance too much of the older two and be a 3rd wheel. If that happens, then I guess we’ll just have to add a 4th😉 But we wanted more than 2 because we want our family table at holidays etc. to be full of our loved ones and theirs. It might be chaotic now, but we’re embracing this stage for what it is. We wouldn’t be able to do it as easily without strong partnership with each other though, so kudos to you for working through that as priority!

One and done here. Hope we don’t get to zero. Do what you can, don’t plan for a potential child’s de*th please 🙏🏻 my parents had 9 and wanted 15. They effed us all up so bad. They shouldn’t have even had 1 (me). Just do right by you and your kids and life will unfold the way it needs to.

based on your life plans, do not have a 3rd child

No. You have too many problems. You also have too many items ahead that will take all of your time and attention. No third child!

We have 3 sons. I love it, they’re adults now and very close. They travel together at least twice a year. With that said, I don’t think I’d have another child for a ‘what if’ situation. You have no idea how the third will be, if that child needs more support at home for some reason, would you be willing to sacrifice your work dreams to be at home as much as you can? I think that’s what I would be thinking of, but that’s just me. For example, my sister was a nurse mgr, pregnant with her 4th and delivered at 6 months. It almost consumed her with all the services coming to the home after his discharge (spent months in the hospital). She left her job and worked part time for a few years

Good luck w your decision

I have three and never regretted it. Key is to make sure you understand what your priorities are and why. Why do you want kids, why do you want to make director, why do you want your relationship to work, and work backwards from there. we made our family our number on priority, my wife sacrificed 8 years of her career and took care of our family until all were in school. Wasn’t hard at all, and kids don’t care what car you drive or what hotel you stay at on vacation, which are the types of things we sacrificed during that time, best investment ever-resulting in three well balanced kids! many folks want it all with no sacrifice- you my dear have to make a choice on what you and your husband are going to sacrifice

No one size fits all answer, but it’s a choice. Having doubled down on my career during those years, only to find 20 years later that much of my function will be outsourced, super happy with our choices…our family is awesome- 13, 15, 17 and are a ton of fun. And my wife, rock star at work after taking that time off.

I have 1 and from the stories I hear, I do not regret having more than 1. I truly don’t know how people manage more than 1 plus a career and a marriage.

It's about whether you and your spouse want a third or not. Whether there are any regrets or not are totally dependent on circumstances. I am one of 3, and I have 1 kid and done. We truly feel complete, and if that's not how you feel, then talk with your spouse if they want another? Not helpful but sharing since lots of people end up having kids just because they to give company to siblings or don't want to be a burden on one kid only or want family support for their first born. And while many work well, some don't.... so never base your decision on future what ifs even though parenting is gambling at times...

It sounds like you don't want a 3rd child, so don't have one.