Parents, do you ever regret not having a third kid? I have 2 toddlers and really on the fence about having a 3rd. Raising these 2 was so tough that my husband and I have been separated twice. We are early 30s and very busy with our careers. I’m on track for promotion to Director at big tech and don’t want to take Mat leave at all. I’m also starting my doctorate next year. MY GREATEST FEAR is if anything bad (God forbid) happens to 1 then we’ll be left with just 1 which is too close to 0.

Please get your marriage strong before having a 3rd

The third child cannot replace a lost child. It is not a one for one.
I have three and it did make a big difference to go from a man to man defense to zone. Being outnumbered can be overwhelming, each kid wants one on one time and has logistical needs that often exceed my human capability.
At this point the older 2 are old enough to play well and the toddler just wants to knock stuff down and mess stuff up. It will get better but this is a hard phase.

Don't attract bad kama by thinking negative..I don't know if you are a believe but the Bible says "all things work together for those who love God ' so werher u have one or two or zero " It is well "

First, stop thinking like that. It's paranoid and will cause you to become neurotic. You can never replace one kid with another. With that kind of thinking, you might as well have 10 more so you always have back-ups (insert sarcasm and eye roll). You have two, leave it at that.

Please don’t have a 3rd. Sounds like things have been tough and adding another child will only make things more challenging, NOT easier. Use whatever free time you have to work on your marriage and enjoy your two children.

This would be a question for a qualified counselor, vs this forum. Your concerns are valid to you, not anyone else. A trained professional can help you navigate them effectively. It’s a tough balancing act between marriage, kids and career. As parents we are always worried about our children. Some fears are more intense than others, and for a variety of reasons. Don’t dismiss them, and don’t be shamed by social media. Arm chair captains are NOT trained professionals. Their comments can be both hurtful and dangerous, considering one’s present stage in life.

What a shame we still have bullies at this age.

Make an appointment with a therapist. They are trained to give you the tools to make sense. Feelings are not facts, but they are insight to be explored.

Good luck. You’ll make sense of it all, and be at peace.

At first, we would tell people that we were planning on 2, 3 if we won Lotto, because we wanted to provide more for less kids.

Then I would say that we make complicated kids (both neurodivergent with anxiety and depression) so no, another one wouldn’t make sense.

I’m now divorced with a 24- and 21-year-old where a lot of the conflict was regarding how the older one was treated/raised.

So if you’ve already separated twice, why would you put more strain on your marriage? Work on that and building a happy and cohesive family unit. And, as others have said, your reasoning is concerning. Not judging. Sending a hug.

It sounds like a strange logic from general people point of view but not to those who had the experience of loosing a family member in a young age. I grew up as an older son of two brothers but then my brother passed away from motorcycle accident when I was 18. It’s hard not only for my parents who are too old to have another child and only have 1 child left, but also hard for myself since I’ve been shaped to be typical older son who’s independent & adventurous type of son with big dreams. I was too old when that accident happen and my parent expect me to change and become family type of person.
I brought the same logic when I started my family to not only have 2 children so I don’t have to ever be in my parent’s situation. I actually ended up with 4 after loosing my third one and I still believe that it’s been a good decision to have more than 2 kids

Director role big tech + PhD + no mat leave , you can have 5 …they won’t see you and you won’t see them anyway. I apologize, but, as a Northern European , reading these posts blow my mind…

We had 2 children and discovered that having 2 kids was 3 times the work of having 1. If your marriage is difficult with 2 kids, having a 3rd child will probably end it. I don't understand your reasoning for having a 3rd child. It sounds like you have a very stressful live now, and don't have the support you need for 2 children. Your kids need you more than they need another sibling.

OP, what if something happens to you? Then you leave 3 young children without a parent. Just something to think about using your logic

I would. We had our third. And husband and I agreed we were done. Haven’t left the hospital yet and I wanted one more. Husband was done. Begged. Got my fourth baby. I feel so complete. Yes, I’ll miss the sweet pregnancy moments or the newborn stages but I’m ok with never being pregnant again. My mom had three and to this day she said she wish she had a 4th. My take is, if you’re really thinking about it… maybe you’re not done. BTW, 1-2 was the hardest transition for me. 2-3 was easy breezy.

I have three - love them and don’t regret it at all, but it absolutely is harder than two, as a working parent. Since we’ve had our third, as the default parent, there is always something - we have a live in au pair and I still feel like I’m stretched too thin, and am thinking about getting a house manager, which my salary can’t really warrant. And while I love my career, I’m sure it has not advanced as much as it would’ve without our 3rd. Between calendar management and schedule coordinating 3 sets of kids activities, sports, sick days, school days off, carpool, homework, and emotions, it’s like I run a small logistics company on the side. Kids do at least 3x activities a week - that’s 9 things to manage! They’re in 5-6 sports leagues in a given season between all three - I have a freaking million activity apps on my phone to cross reference. It’s fun, but I don’t sleep enough.

Winston Churchill once said - have 4 children, one to replace you and your spouse, one for the growth of the population and one in the event of an accident. This is for war time. A pre climate change idea.

And like another poster I’ve thought about how lucky we were to have 2 healthy kids, having a third felt like rolling the dice one more time, and I was grateful for a positive outcome.

The safety and stability of a bridge are it's foundations. The family is the bridge. The foundations are you and your husband.

In your position I would reinforce the foundations of the bridge. Having a newborn will come with a lot of stress that you need to be able to ensure as a family. Your promotion wouldn't help either. You'll have bigger responsibilities which you'll be expected to carry on your work.

I would advice against getting a child, if you as a parent ( applies to the father as well ) are not going to be there for them at least in their first years of their life.

Kids are great. We have 3 and love them all. I'm glad we had our third child.

Wonderful comments so far. I think an au pair or similar could be a good idea, but I don’t recommend outsourcing the majority of your kids’ time or there’s no point in having them.

My wife worked for 8 years as a single mom and then quit once we had our first together (her 2nd). We have one in college and 5x at home ages 2-12 and it’s exhausting and wonderful. Not much time for hobbies, I’m able to work ~60-65 hrs max but not more.

I have female friends who have focused on their careers rather than be a stay at home mom, and I think it’s great that God made us all different with different preferences and personalities. To me it sounds like you could do 2 of the 3 options—director job, doctorate, and 3rd child, but all 3 with 2 working parents sounds like no time for sleeping or for your spousal relationship.

We love our large crew and that they always have someone to play with and to practice kindness on. Best of luck with your decision and with all of life’s adventures still to come!!

Just have the child. He or she literally won't exist otherwise. To that child it will mean everything. Be fruitful and multiply. Happiness comes from being generous in such things.

We have two, but I wish they could have been born with a little more space between them, as they are now both in college...

Hi every thought here seems so selfish. It's all about you and your interests first. Good parents put themselves and their interests second to their kids'. You should put your career and further studies on hold while your kids are little and specially if you want to have a third one.

I could end up saying too much but don't have time. But having a 3rd is a bigger step than the 2nd. We need a bigger car because car seats don't fit otherwise. There's also a much more opportunities for problems to deal with i.e. 2 kids gives 3 possibilities:- A kid's issues, B kid's issues, or both kids arguing.
3 kids gives 7 possibilities:- 3x individual issues, A with B, B with C, A with C, or all 3 together.
I know others don't quite get what you mean, about if 1 passes, but it has happened to people who have lost both separately as rare as that would be.
But the other thing to consider is how much you want Grandkids someday. I know you shouldn't be selfish and thinking that way either, but more kids increases that chance. My aunt has my 2 adult offspring in my cousins, and neither has had children and they are both around 40. Obviously don't bring a child into the world for that purpose, your main focus if considering it, should be how much they'll change the dynamic in the family, whether you can afford to and mostly, can you give them enough love and attention. I don't like someone else saying about using a nanny or au pair, you should be there for them as much as possible.

You are overthinking this one. You need to just be content with what you have. You have the intention of having a third one but are career minded. In life the balance can be more than challenging. The only advice to give, live life, be content and intentional, and stop putting unneeded pressure to a future that may not turn out the way you wanted it.

You’re an extremely odd individual with very weird logic to have come up with. I can’t believe you’ve made it into a role that you obviously probably didn‘t deserve and I hope whoever it is reconsiders your promotion for Director. People like you are reasons why children grow up into insufferable adults. You just want kids to make sure that they take care of you, nothing else. I don’t think people who have one kid even think this way. And the fact that you and your husband have split that many times with two kids should tell you enough of what your decision should be. Or get a divorce and move on. I think you already know the answer to your question but the fact that you had to come on here to ask as such is appalling. I wish whoever is under you nothing but luck and a good boss who actually cares because this dumb question tells me exactly the type of person that you are.