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I've been in that situation, and the best thing for me was to move out. Yes, living with parents can save money, but I've found that it negatively affected my productivity and overall well-being (mental and emotional) to live at home. It was really great for me and for our relationship to move out. If you're already out of the house, minimize contact (don't call every day, maybe decrease to every other day or every week); you can cite your busy work schedule has the reason. Otherwise, draw emotional support from friends and maybe other family (not sure if that's safe). I'd also recommend a therapist (your company probably offers a couple of free sessions to start) to talk through issues and find other ways to cope. Pulling for you, OP. Good luck!
D1 - Many in here have romantic notions of family and motherhood. Perhaps it is because so many consultants grew up in stable, privileged homes.
Plain and simple... Not all mothers wanted to be mothers. Not all mothers love children unconditionally. Some are genuinely mentally ill and unfit mothers. If you have had rosey family experiences consider yourself lucky.
Hugs to everyone on this thread who has suffered at the hands of mentally unstable parents. You didn't deserve it, but it's your responsibility to break the cycle. Read up on BPD and NPD. From a cursory read it sounds like your mom has NPD narcissistic personality disorder and may also have borderline tendencies. Her need to control and manipulate everyone around her won't go away without serious therapy and possible medication. However, it's pretty well known that true NPD/BDP would never go/tolerate therapy due to their fragile egos. My dad has NPD/BDP. Best thing I've found is to live far outside his sphere of influence. They will continue to hurt and try to control you as long as you are within reach. You might want to pick up a book about adult children of alcoholics (ACOA). I've found it comes closest to describing what it's like to deal with parents with mental health disorders. Please take care of yourself, and if you're not already in therapy you should try it out. It may help prevent you from falling into romantic relationships with people who end up being similar to your abusive parent. Believe me, it happens... Please take care of yourself!
Thanks BA1. My mother and I live in different states and that has definitely helped but family circumstances had us in more contact than usual and she is very good at making herself the victim
Tell them you're cutting them out of your life...hard to do but worth it. Build relationships with non abusive family members. Honestly that's just my experience but I hope you can work out a solution that is best for you, OP
Well I have a hard time cause my father suffers from her too and I don’t wanna leave him alone with her either - she suffers from depression and even when she starts the fight she blames it on my and my father and argues 40 yr old arguments. I feel like dying rather than dealing with her....I stick around for my dad though. I feel like I won’t ever be happy:(
There is also the "grey rock" method which I do use when I have to talk to my dad. It's a searchable term if you want to read more about it...just respond as shortly and boringly as possible and don't react to anything. Idk your situation with your mom but may be a coping mechanism to try out...
Wow is this thread for real? Damn, you Americans are so self centered and nasty. Acc4 did you just say moms are nasty? Is that how you want your child to refer to you or your wife? Although no relationship is perfect, remember that a parent child relationship is the only thing in the world you cannot replace
I don’t really have any answers. That’s why I was asking the only thing that’s ever worked for me is just not talking to them at all, then I feel guilty and judged. Thinking of therapy
A1, same situation plus possible narcissist personality disorder. ☹️ My mother refuses to go see a therapist or any professional about her issues.
Hugs op. My mom constantly wants to rehash issues from 20 years ago or remind me how I ruined her life. One of the reasons I'm spending thanksgiving alone this year!
I think your inclination of trying therapy is the best route OP - will be helpful in the long term with your other relationships to have gone through therapy too
Have scheduled phone calls (once a week maybe) so you aren’t talking every day or too much. Stay very neutral and answer in short responses if they do go negative and change the subject. Dont let them put you down and if they do, say I refuse to speak to you if you treat me like this and hang up. It’s really hard, I’m sorry you are going through this. Reach out to other family members so you aren’t alone.
One thing that has helped me is setting boundaries for conversation, make them clear and hang up or leave if they violate them. This is easier than totally cutting off. 'i want to talk to you and be supportive but I won't talk about X'
Moms suck- agree with a lot of what people say. Keep your distance physically and mentally. All of this is exactly why i don’t ever want to be one.
I think there's a difference between "I don't like my mom/moms suck" and "my mom is abusive." D1 and A1 your shock/perspective makes sense to me on the "moms suck" concept, but if someone is abusive (even a parent) which is what OP said this post is about that is a lot different
Yes, I have a bipolar mom who cuts her pills in half! Keep a healthy distance and remember it may be the illness, not the personality, you cannot tolerate.
Moms don’t suck - they can be amazing, but not when there is something really wrong w them. I’ll give you a simple example. I have hurt my hand pretty badly recently ( few months). Dad knows I can’t lift much but for some reason asked for my help with dishes. I told him no since I can’t really do them and give me a lot of pain but happy to help with other things. He said ok np. Done. Then mom came and was like you have to do it. I said no my hand hurts. Then she went into a 2 hour tirade on me and my father on why I am not a woman, will never get married and tons of bad curse words, how she wishes I was never born, how my dad is an awful father and has been against her since marriage, how he uses all her money and ruined the children, and how she’d be better off without all of us in her life because we are awful people. I offer to leave the house cause I don’t wanna fight and she follows me and starts screaming outside at 11 pm at night. Cries and makes my dad so upset he’s straining all his muscles and going insane cause she just won’t stop. After the big affair dies down, she spends another 3 hours annoying him to talk about how awful he has made the kids. This is all because my hand got injured and couldn’t wash the dishes one night. I ended up washing them btw to shut her up and increase the pain in my hands and shoulder where I can’t hold my phone properly in my right hand. Butnit dodnt work to shit her up. We have to do exactly what she says when she says it even if it’s inconvenient for us or hurts us because she might literally go nuclear as she did this time. My brother already moved far away and never comes home, this is one reason why. I don’t wanna leave my father but I can’t deal with this. It happens not everyday but enough that it’s not feasible. I’m a happy person and I get so angry when these episodes comes on and it hurts me physically and mentally for weeks to come.
My single mom was abusive growing up. My sister and I cut ties with her for 5 years. Just started talking to her again recently. It's going to be a long journey. I encourage you to take time to reflect on your behaviors and hers.
Oh boy, I relate to this thread so much. My mom has NPD and I feel for everyone dealing with mothers like this. My mom took me out of her will over an issue about how I parked my car in the wrong place (she turned it into a huge blow out fight) and I haven’t been home for thanksgiving in 3 years and booked a flight home. She decided to leave town with her boyfriend 25 years younger. Glad I paid for that flight.