Was anybody here on the fence about having kids? What made you change your mind and what advice would you tell someone who is trying to decide what to do?

like
Posting as :
works at
You are currently posting as works at

I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to withstand the physical pain of having a child, mostly because of a deep fear of anything medical, and seriously considered skipping kids altogether. Then out of nowhere I felt this emotional urge every time I saw a mother and child that wouldn’t go away, month after month after month. I finally realized the ticking of the biological clock wasn’t just a saying, it was an Actual Thing. And I leapt into the unknown, because it felt right, at the right time.

Then a couple of years later there was something so sweet about my child that I forgot all about the pain (of both delivery, and some parts of toddlerhood, which is indeed a pain) and I did it all over again. No regrets. It’s not for everyone, but I could kick myself for ever having considered bypassing motherhood, because I would have missed out on the chance to give love.

like

I was lukewarm on having kids for most of my 20s. But, when I met my now-husband and thought far into our future, kids were part of it.

I’m not a baby crazy person and maternal isn’t in the top 20 adjectives I’d use to describe myself. But having a child adds a fullness to your life - it is so rich and gratifying and fun and love-filled. It is also deeply rewarding to see your partner as a parent. At the same time, it is draining and challenging and the transition from the selfishness of DINK life to being a parent can be a doozy. It absolutely feels worth it, but I still questioned our decision when my first was a newborn.

I would say to think about what long term happiness looks like. When you’re 80 years old, what memories are going to make your life feel well-lived? I think that’s a better question to answer than “do I want a baby” because babies are temporary and plenty of people like kids and want a family, but aren’t crazy about babies.

like

Same here on so many fronts. When I thought 10-20 years ahead, I did want a “family” — although I was not a baby or kid person (and still AM not, 4 years in!). It’s been challenging in all of the ways I thought it might be, difficult in some ways I didn’t fully anticipate, and also fulfilling in some capacities I couldn’t have anticipated and still don’t think I can articulate. In the end I’m glad I did it, but as the cliche goes, it’s like jumping out of a plane without a parachute - you can plan ahead, but at a certain point you kind of have to figure it out mid-flight.

All I can say is it has been the most meaningful thing I’ve ever done, and the realest love I’ve ever felt. As a creative person, that kind of life experience and point of view has been more rewarding and important than I ever imagined possible.

That said, I was never technically on the fence, just extremely apprehensive to do it too soon, like it would ruin my flow or something. In retrospect, I wish I would have done it sooner. I have now realized that every year I waited to have my daughter is one less year I get with her in our lifetime. And that makes me incredibly sad.

like

For a long time I said I would never have kids and then I started to reconsider it once I had a niece and even more once I was married I.e in a long term relationship. I also thought that if I was on the fence then it meant that there was part of me that wanted kids. My husband and I figured at our age we either needed to do it or settle on not. So we tried. When I got the positive pregnancy test my first reaction was excitement. But even during my pregnancy there were many times that I said “what the fuxk did we do?! This is going to change everything!” And I can say I without even a whiff of doubt that it was by far the best decisions have made in my entire life. I l want to kick myself a little bit for even considering not having a kid bc this little human beings me so much joy and happiness every single day. Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard and tough and exhausting especially in this industry. But for me, it has been so so so so worth it. If you’re on the fence, to me that says you want kids but are wrestling with the idea of how it’s going to change your life at this moment.

like

My advice would be to think about what you want your last 40 years on this earth to feel like. Not just going places and having experiences - but who you want to be surrounded by. Taking care of you. Sharing your legacy. To me, those thoughts overcame any apprehension I had about the total lifestyle change or inadequacy as a parent. It has all been incredibly worth it and so fulfilling! Let alone the closeness it has brought with my husband.

like

This exactly! Thanks for describing what I’ve always felt. We were a “no kids couple” until our late 30s. I had no maternal instincts or a draw toward parenting yet family is everything to us. It has been worth every second and it has fundamentally changed my priorities but without compromising who I am.

like

having a child has been the single hardest thing i have ever done. but it’s also been the most meaningful. it hurts my heart every day and is way more of a vulnerable feeling than I can explain. and sometimes i do miss my old life, desperately. but then i think of a world where she doesn’t exist and i can’t even breath. it’s literally the least rational thing i have ever done but i would do it all over again.

like

I’m glad I became a mom and I love my kids so intensely. But I don’t think I had kids with the right person. So my advice is to examine your relationship, assuming this would be a two parent situation. Do you guys handle responsibility well or does it always fall on your shoulders? When you are in a rush or running late do you work well together or fight? Do you already have good organizational systems in place regarding house chores? When you are worried about things or want to play it safe does your partner belittle your viewpoint? Does work interfere with your relationship? Do you have any relationship issues regarding money or sex? Kids will expose the cracks in your relationship. You must be a strong, fully functioning team, especially if you won’t have family nearby to support you.

like

I only exist because someone asked my mom if they wanted it to be just the two of them (mom and dad) alone forever. 😂

likefunny

I think it depends on why you’re on the fence. I’ve had friends who were because the overall lifestyle shift was too great and they decided not to and are very happy with their decision. Also have friends who were on the fence due to fear and feelings of inadequacy who ultimately had kids and are very happy. Also, I always wanted kids but ended up having twins (no IVF or twins in the family) so remember that’s a possibility. 🤣

like

I have been perceived to be so unmaternal that when I told someone at work I was having a baby, they said “what? like a human baby?”Fast forward many years and two kids, those two are what gave me the most joy in the whole world and make me swell with pride each time I look at them.

like

For me it was mostly the fear of losing all my free, "me" time. What changed my mind: Getting a divorce and winding up with a partner who's way more energetic about/engaged in our life together than my ex was. He made me excited about the idea of having a family and sharing the work and the rewards that come with it.
Of course now that I have a toddler, I don't get the same amount of free time that I did pre kid, but my partner and I are super invested in helping each other get the time we need. I feel like I get plenty.
It's hard to give advice without knowing the person's particular obstacles, but I would say take a look at your support network. If it's solid, that's one reason to go for it.

like

Getting pregnant by accident changed my mind.

like

I always said I didn’t care one way or the other but my partner wanted kids and was always so good with kids so basically I just reached a point where there was enough curiosity about it, and enough exposure through our friends that I was ready. Biology sealed the deal on when to start, as well as just in general feeling ready to put my partying days behind me.

like

It’s hard and a huge lifestyle change which you need to be ready for but (having been very in love with my partner) I can honestly say it’s a level of love that’s unsurpassed. It feels like the most important, truly human experience I’ve ever had. I was OK with the idea but ambivalent about what it meant and now I’m considering having more than 2. Kids bring you a level of joy that is really unknown to anyone that hasn’t experienced it.

Related Posts

This would be my 3rd, but need some input. I am 10 dpo (guess) and I just wiped some reddish brown discharge. It’s like mucus/veiny consistency. I have had cramping pain yesterday and today. I’ve never had implantation bleeding, but could this be that? Baby dust please. It’s been a 4 month journey up until now from getting off the minipill and no positive or af…this is the first sign of anything.

like

Just venting. My husband is so much into watching his tv show that he is not at all interested in planning the baby shower or even in making the registry. It just feels that I am doing everything right now and his priorities are just around watching his TV show. I get that he needs his me time but our baby shower is few weeks away and we have not sent out the invite yet, do not have the registry finalized (I cannot do it as he wants to be involved or will make changes over my selection). Contd…

Hi everyone, realizing my career may be incompatible with my needs at home (I have a school age child with special needs). Any moms/dads find any companies or jobs in the UX field that are part time? I am wondering if it’s possible to stay in this field or if I need to take a step back and figure out something new. What has worked for any of the working moms/dads out there. I need to be free from 2pm onwards.

like

HI Fish ,
After OL Accepted i requested to The HR for correction in Father Sure Name. I send the mail to Recruiter. Now Offer Letter is not showing in My ibegin portal. Recruiter telling me he working on it from starting. How many days will take for releasing the new offer ....Any Idea

like

What is Deloitte UK’s maternity leave policy? Including any stipulations such as how long you have to have worked there to be eligible.

like

I teach PreK in a public school. Our state allows PreK programs to nap without masks if proper ventilation is provided. I have 16 children, a minimum of 3 feet apart, no masks, with two LOUD air filters, two tiny windows open, the outside and hall door open, at average in 72-76 degrees. What is your childcare classroom doing for rest time?

like

Is a post-PhD gap year to travel and be reminded of what life is like a bad idea?

like

I am 5-week pregnant. I just realized I should avoid liver at all costs because of the high level of vitamin a in it. Many countries actually specifically advised against it. However, I had quite some liver in the last three weeks. Omg. What should I do! I am very worried my baby would have birth deficits.

like

Teaching Autistic Support via Zoom is so difficult. The behaviors are way worse and there is next to nothing I can do to help my students parents.

like

had a level 3 lock down today (active shooter/imminent threats). no one was harmed but it left me wondering what else can I have in my classroom or do to keep my kids safe or fight back? (Hacks/tips)

I had a non traditional path out of law school because I graduated at the height of the Great Recession and my mother was seriously I’ll with cancer. I’ve worked for 2 big four firms in internal positions within compliance/regulatory for a total of 6+ years and am ready to make a move. What is my next best one? Is it totally impossible for me to go to a law firm?

Hello fellow HR pros! I really need your opinions on HR certifications. I am deciding between PHR and SHRM-cp. I have read just about all there is online comparing the two and can not decide. My heart is telling me PHR, my mother in law (an HRBP) is telling me to go with SHRM, as it’s more widely recognized, more established and a larger network in general. I work for a 350~ company who is growing rapidly through M&A. Passions/interests are compliance, strategic vision, M&A, branding and culture

like

Does anyone here know if maternity leave count towards your 2 year period for GSAP tuition reimbursement?

like

I just started dating someone (we've only had a few dates, taking it slow, haven't even kissed). Today is their birthday. Will be another week before we see each other again as both have kid responsibilities. Gift or no gift? I know where they work to have flowers sent, but is this necessary at this point (also, is it creepy at this stage)? I'm interested in the person, but obviously too soon to know whether I would want to date exclusively

likefunny

My father respects me more now that I am in the military, I understand him because he was a marine himself, but I can't help thinking how unfair that is. Glad I enjoy being in the troops!

like

Has anyone made the transition from non-profit and small firm practice to federal government, big law, in-house? I’m a special education parent attorney at a small firm and I’ve spent my legal career in the education and juvenile areas of the law working for 2 non-profits before ending up at the firm. However, I’m just exhausted, unmotivated, and and looking for a change. At this point (6.5 yrs of practice), is that type of transition even possible or am I stuck due to the practice area?

like

I work with a classroom of Middle School ED students. One student, who I worked with the year before, has changed alot over the year. Last year (pre COVID), she had a good head on her shoulders and I thought I had good rapor with her. But over that period of isolation, she tried to commit suicide.

All year, she was much more withdrawn and ALWAYS on her phone! At the end of the I was 'beat up by her - she really knocked my glasses off.

How should I approach her in the upcoming year?

like

When you've just learned you are pregnant and you don't have your first appointment until 3 weeks from now (and you don't want to tell anyone yet), how do you figure out what you can and cannot do safely (other than searching on Google which yields conflicting results). Just as an example, I practice hot yoga all the time - can I keep going? I think that would be best answered by my doctor but that isn't an option at the moment. Any advice is really helpful!

like

Today I got an offer from Accenture. Doj is 6th March. Currently I am pregnant. I just want to know what is the minimum service days in Accenture to avail the maternity leave.

like

Would you date a single father?
Amicable ex. Why or why not?
What would be a deal breaker if you were to come across a single father?

likefunny

More Posts

Hi All! During this pandemic, how are your orgs approaching employee health screenings and symptom tracking?

Why is it so hard to get an interview as a software engineer? I’m currently working as an software engineer intern as a lead on the front end side at a start up company and trying to find my next opportunity when this internship ends, but I been applying to ton of places and not getting much interview request. I don’t think my resume is bad either. How can you get more interviews? If anyone is willing to give me a referral, please let me know.

likesmart

Hi, I have 2.5 years of Experience in big data.
How much can I expect for Azure data engineer role.
And do they consider current CTC or that's irrelevant?

Psychiatrist prescribed Zoloft and Xanax for ptsd/ anxiety the first time meeting me. Is this Normal? I’m not taking it bc i don’t want to be addicted. what do I do? The attacks are getting worse.

I get such bad anxiety talking to recruiters. Looking for any tips on how to tackle job fairs...

like

How can I apply to McKinsey Dubai? Canadian with 5+ YOE (4 years in industry, 1 in consulting) and a Masters. Healthcare focus. Thanks in advance!

likehelpful

What do you think is a realistic salary for a HR Manager with 12 years experience in small companies (80-200 employees), MBA, SHRM-SCP in Hampton Roads VA area?

like

What are the best restructuring and bankruptcy firms/teams in NY and London?

like

Sales assistant at a drug/grocery store. The manager thinks my coworker does great work but I've seen her putting out new products without rotating stock (so the oldest food will be sold first) and we are always supposed to check the dates when shelving new things. The problem is, I don't really get along with this coworker and I think it's noticeable to management. If I bring this up with our supervisor, are people going to think that I'm just trying to sabotage my coworker so that I will look better than her?

like

Anyone hiring in Houston? About to get laid off from technology sr consultant role. Willing to travel as much as necessary (when possible)

like

Leaving D and the US for home in a month or so. Wanted to ask people who has left for home before. Anything I should do before I leave? (Bank accounts - BofA, investment accounts - Fidelity & Coinbase, 401k - Vanguard). I may return to the US in the future for grad school. Thank you all!

like

Recommendations for how to allocate 401k with Fidelity. Just switched jobs and have to move from Merrill Lynch to Fidelity

like

I remember when I first started working on my thesis project. My adviser asked me to get some funding for it, but he didn't give me any advice about how to do that. He just told me that if I wanted money for my project, I'd have to go through some kind of committee process and submit an application for funding from them. Sure enough, after weeks of writing applications and waiting around for responses from the committee members (who were always too busy), I eventually got approved for funding!

like

Anyone familiar with SVB’s new tech IB group? Do you think it is a risk to join as first job out of school? Would you choose over a mid-market named brand offer?

like

Guys can anyone make me understand that what is Infosys process for promotion because today my sister got promoted to senior operation executive but no salary hike or bonus or anything.

like

Have an upcoming interview for EY in Amsterdam (VAT). Any tips for it?

like

Finally a sunny day for the Peacock

Post Photo
like

Hi, I’m looking to intern/volunteer/freelance WFH; My background is in Communication and Digital Media: I also can assist you with admin tasks. FYI I speak Spanish, in case you need to translate docs.

like

Can someone explain how a megabackdoor roth works?

like

New to Fishbowl?

Download the Fishbowl app to
unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.
That was just a preview…
Sign Up to see all discussions
  • Discover what it’s like to work at companies from real professionals
  • Get candid advice from people in your field in a safe space
  • Chat and network with other professionals in your field
Sign up in seconds to unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.

Already a user?
Login here

Share

Embed this post

Copy and paste embed code on your site

Preview

Download the
Fishbowl app

See what’s happening in your industry
from the palm of your hand.

A phone with Fishbowl app

Send download link to your phone

OR

Scan your QR code to download
Fishbowl app on your mobile

By continuing you agree to Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.

Messaging rates may apply

Download app

Sign up for free to view this conversation on Fishbowl

By continuing you agree to Terms of Use and Privacy Policy

Already have an account? Log in

Sign up for free to continue using Fishbowl

By continuing you agree to Terms of Use(New) and Privacy Policy(New)
Messaging rates may apply

Already have an account? Log in

For account settings, visit Fishbowl on Desktop Browser or

General

Legal