Was anybody here on the fence about having kids? What made you change your mind and what advice would you tell someone who is trying to decide what to do?

I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to withstand the physical pain of having a child, mostly because of a deep fear of anything medical, and seriously considered skipping kids altogether. Then out of nowhere I felt this emotional urge every time I saw a mother and child that wouldn’t go away, month after month after month. I finally realized the ticking of the biological clock wasn’t just a saying, it was an Actual Thing. And I leapt into the unknown, because it felt right, at the right time.

Then a couple of years later there was something so sweet about my child that I forgot all about the pain (of both delivery, and some parts of toddlerhood, which is indeed a pain) and I did it all over again. No regrets. It’s not for everyone, but I could kick myself for ever having considered bypassing motherhood, because I would have missed out on the chance to give love.

I was lukewarm on having kids for most of my 20s. But, when I met my now-husband and thought far into our future, kids were part of it.

I’m not a baby crazy person and maternal isn’t in the top 20 adjectives I’d use to describe myself. But having a child adds a fullness to your life - it is so rich and gratifying and fun and love-filled. It is also deeply rewarding to see your partner as a parent. At the same time, it is draining and challenging and the transition from the selfishness of DINK life to being a parent can be a doozy. It absolutely feels worth it, but I still questioned our decision when my first was a newborn.

I would say to think about what long term happiness looks like. When you’re 80 years old, what memories are going to make your life feel well-lived? I think that’s a better question to answer than “do I want a baby” because babies are temporary and plenty of people like kids and want a family, but aren’t crazy about babies.

All I can say is it has been the most meaningful thing I’ve ever done, and the realest love I’ve ever felt. As a creative person, that kind of life experience and point of view has been more rewarding and important than I ever imagined possible.

That said, I was never technically on the fence, just extremely apprehensive to do it too soon, like it would ruin my flow or something. In retrospect, I wish I would have done it sooner. I have now realized that every year I waited to have my daughter is one less year I get with her in our lifetime. And that makes me incredibly sad.

For a long time I said I would never have kids and then I started to reconsider it once I had a niece and even more once I was married I.e in a long term relationship. I also thought that if I was on the fence then it meant that there was part of me that wanted kids. My husband and I figured at our age we either needed to do it or settle on not. So we tried. When I got the positive pregnancy test my first reaction was excitement. But even during my pregnancy there were many times that I said “what the fuxk did we do?! This is going to change everything!” And I can say I without even a whiff of doubt that it was by far the best decisions have made in my entire life. I l want to kick myself a little bit for even considering not having a kid bc this little human beings me so much joy and happiness every single day. Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard and tough and exhausting especially in this industry. But for me, it has been so so so so worth it. If you’re on the fence, to me that says you want kids but are wrestling with the idea of how it’s going to change your life at this moment.

My advice would be to think about what you want your last 40 years on this earth to feel like. Not just going places and having experiences - but who you want to be surrounded by. Taking care of you. Sharing your legacy. To me, those thoughts overcame any apprehension I had about the total lifestyle change or inadequacy as a parent. It has all been incredibly worth it and so fulfilling! Let alone the closeness it has brought with my husband.

having a child has been the single hardest thing i have ever done. but it’s also been the most meaningful. it hurts my heart every day and is way more of a vulnerable feeling than I can explain. and sometimes i do miss my old life, desperately. but then i think of a world where she doesn’t exist and i can’t even breath. it’s literally the least rational thing i have ever done but i would do it all over again.

I’m glad I became a mom and I love my kids so intensely. But I don’t think I had kids with the right person. So my advice is to examine your relationship, assuming this would be a two parent situation. Do you guys handle responsibility well or does it always fall on your shoulders? When you are in a rush or running late do you work well together or fight? Do you already have good organizational systems in place regarding house chores? When you are worried about things or want to play it safe does your partner belittle your viewpoint? Does work interfere with your relationship? Do you have any relationship issues regarding money or sex? Kids will expose the cracks in your relationship. You must be a strong, fully functioning team, especially if you won’t have family nearby to support you.

I only exist because someone asked my mom if they wanted it to be just the two of them (mom and dad) alone forever. 😂

I think it depends on why you’re on the fence. I’ve had friends who were because the overall lifestyle shift was too great and they decided not to and are very happy with their decision. Also have friends who were on the fence due to fear and feelings of inadequacy who ultimately had kids and are very happy. Also, I always wanted kids but ended up having twins (no IVF or twins in the family) so remember that’s a possibility. 🤣

I have been perceived to be so unmaternal that when I told someone at work I was having a baby, they said “what? like a human baby?”Fast forward many years and two kids, those two are what gave me the most joy in the whole world and make me swell with pride each time I look at them.

For me it was mostly the fear of losing all my free, "me" time. What changed my mind: Getting a divorce and winding up with a partner who's way more energetic about/engaged in our life together than my ex was. He made me excited about the idea of having a family and sharing the work and the rewards that come with it.
Of course now that I have a toddler, I don't get the same amount of free time that I did pre kid, but my partner and I are super invested in helping each other get the time we need. I feel like I get plenty.
It's hard to give advice without knowing the person's particular obstacles, but I would say take a look at your support network. If it's solid, that's one reason to go for it.

Getting pregnant by accident changed my mind.

I always said I didn’t care one way or the other but my partner wanted kids and was always so good with kids so basically I just reached a point where there was enough curiosity about it, and enough exposure through our friends that I was ready. Biology sealed the deal on when to start, as well as just in general feeling ready to put my partying days behind me.

It’s hard and a huge lifestyle change which you need to be ready for but (having been very in love with my partner) I can honestly say it’s a level of love that’s unsurpassed. It feels like the most important, truly human experience I’ve ever had. I was OK with the idea but ambivalent about what it meant and now I’m considering having more than 2. Kids bring you a level of joy that is really unknown to anyone that hasn’t experienced it.