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Can't be un-done and does carry risks for the woman, both physical and psychological. Sometimes we don't think we are ready for a promotion, but we take it because the chance is not guaranteed to come again.
Same situation as D1. We ultimately made the choice to not abort and while there were many sacrifices that came along with this decision, I promise that it’s been the best decision of my life.
Sorry, friend, this situation sucks all around. Early in our marriage we went through this. It brought us closer but could have just as easily made us further apart. Few things I’ve learned - help with logistics if possible (where to go, appointment, aftercare). Encourage her to take time off if she’s working and a couple extra days beyond what’s recommended and you take time off too to be there. Talk about how you feel - normal to have mixed feelings or doubts running up to it or after. My wife had some pain and cramping after, felt sick, etc. - take care of her just like you would for any other medical procedure. Just show up and be willing to talk whenever she needs. I think I was surprised my wife still thinks about it from time to time (not as much as right after but sometimes). For awhile triggers included the baby section at Target, friends having babies, tv shows with babies. Now that it’s further in the past, she will occasionally say that that baby would have been doing X now or we would be doing X now. I have accepted she will never forget it (nor will I but it doesn’t come up spontaneously for me). Have patience. It’s hard even if you know it’s the right choice.
This is super helpful. Thank you so so much for sharing.
I’m just here to say thank you for being honest about what you’re going through, and asking for help.
I get that this decision is big enough where this forum may not weigh on your decision much. I can only offer that kids are one of the best long term investments you can make in your professional life. They will push and challenge you in a way that no other expirence can. 8 years ago I took the advice of Jim Rogers and went for it. Best strategic move ever. My apologies for making my comment more focused around my expirences then you question. I hope it gives some benefit. I'll have you and your wife on my mind.
I would never choose to abort a child of my own (to the extent that I would have any say in the decision, being a guy). I don't say that to sound rude, I absolutely know this is a tough choice and I wouldn't even think to pretend I haven't made a lot of bad decisions of various kinds in my life. But I do think it's important that when people ask tough questions about things like abortion, divorce, etc that someone shares an unabashedly affirming perspective, especially in this day & age when a lot of voices will probably tell you not to think twice about abortion (or even celebrate you for it).
We had our first baby unexpectedly/unplanned when I was 22 and my girlfriend 21. We decided together we just didn't believe in abortion. He's a teenager now, my namesake (Jr). I am soooo proud of him and beyond thankful to have him in our lives. I've also been married for ~11 years now and have 2 more kids (so 3 total). Yes I did eventually get a vasectomy haha.
Not going to pretend for a second that things were easy for a couple of broke, scared kids, especially with all our problems and vices at that time in our lives. And life is still pretty crazy to this day with our family, of course... but I wouldn't change anything.
Again, I really don't mean this as judgmental to your or anyone else's decisions, whatever they may be. Just sharing my testimony FWIW, food for thought.
You're right, I've been pleasantly surprised at how many people have cautioned against abortion on this thread.
Came back to give an update. We got an abortion yesterday. Interesting timing, especially given the RvW SCOTUS draft. We definitely have a very strong emotion towards this effort now.
For everyone reading here, my post was clear: whether we get an abortion or not was never up for debate. It definitely should be an option for those who wish to go through it. End of story.
Hey OP, glad you and your partner moved forward with a decision that made sense to you in your situation and agree it’s essential that people have that choice. Take care of yourself and your wife as she recovers. Wishing you both the very best…
It’s a life that deserves an opportunity.
A close friend of mine had an abortion recently after also discovering unexpectedly that she was pregnant. She was also going through a bit of a rough patch personally and in her relationship, and she and her partner decided that the right decision was to wait to have kids. There was also a potential complication to the pregnancy based on what type of birth control she was taking.
She had discovered it early and made the decision very quickly. I am not her, but I think I can safely say that she is very grateful that she made the decision she did, and actually did a fair bit to share her story to help people going through a similar experience. I think it was a rough few days, but she was confident that the timing was not right. I can’t speak to how her partner was there for her, but I know that he made it very clear that he supported her and supported her decision to terminate the pregnancy. She actually said the experience brought them closer because she realized how much she wants kids with him (they do not yet have any).
Not sure if this helps, but it does appear to be a different voice and story than some of the other comments.
It does, thank you.
I think you two should take time to fix the marriage. An abortion is not an option. I know of so many stories of folks who aborted but only made their own lives a living mess thereafter. Just don’t do it
I'm sorry but why is abortion not an option?
Wishing you the best for a really hard decision. Wife and I were in the same spot and ultimately decided not to abort. Very happy now, but definitely has also impacted our lives in many of the ways that we’re reasons for considering abortion (eg impacted wife’s career, our personal freedom and financial plans etc).
It’s an entirely personal choice, and I’m very supportive of either decision. Really appreciate KPMG1’s thoughts.
Feel free to DM if you want to chat.
Thanks, everyone. We have a 3 year old already and she is an amazing child, and to be clear, I appreciate the joy of parenthood. My wife and I are unfortunately in a rough patch in our marriage, and think it’s for the best if we don’t bring another child into the picture right now. I think if wife and I were in a better spot, we’d consider going through with the pregnancy (even if it would stress our finances or careers), but with our relationship being turbulent, it doesn’t seem like the right move. I don’t think the abortion itself is up for debate.
Having said that, I still love this woman and want to be there for her, support her through it, think through the long-term consequences (emotional, physical, relational), and then come to terms with it before we actually go through with it.
Any advice and anecdotes from people that have already gone through this is what most helpful for me.
That is an interesting added part of the story. Perhaps you have tried this, but would it be worth doing some quick, and deep marriage therapy? Like take a dedicated week to salvage your marriage. If you go through with this, seems tough to recover especially since the reason you would abort is because your relationship is not good.
You could be resigned to end the relationship - if that is the case just support your wife in any, every way you can. Be there physically and emotionally for her through the process including the procedure. Give her space after the procedure if she wants it - like you should clearly take your 3-year old somewhere for the day and give your wife some time to recover or just relax.
If you are not resigned to ending the relationship, in my mind, go all in on her. Discuss pros and cons of going through with it or having the baby. If you really have an opinion (like you really would like to keep the baby), share that. Being honest, and truly there for her in this tough moment, could actually save your marriage.
Okay - this was probably too much to type without knowing you or the real situation (like maybe she had an affair and it’s not your baby - that would change things perhaps). Anyway - best of luck on this, but if you ultimately love her and want to save the marriage - focus on that first and then figure out what to do with her being pregnant.
It might be worth having a heart to heart conversation with your wife and find a path forward to fix the issues you have (if possible).
Much love brother ❤️
This is really tough and depending on your culture and background can be a very difficult thing to process. I will say that from those I've known who have had an abortion, there is no going back. You want to be absolutely sure you can live with that on your conscious before putting yourself through the process. Trust me, it's a lot harder than you think.
Please reconsider if possible - there is no amount of money that can be saved that is worth a life -