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Would you marry someone who can’t have kids?
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Would you marry someone who can’t have kids?
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Yes, I think you might be selfish a bit. Not sure if you know what it’s like to have visa issues in a foreign country and not be able to see your own family for years. It took me 13 years to get my green card and finally see my family. At times it was so soul-crushing that I contemplated same as your girlfriend - just paying someone to marry me so I can finally see my family. That didn’t mean that I viewed marriage casually - I was just desperately trying to solve a problem that was weighing on me for years. Put yourself in her shoes. She is away from her family, misses them terribly and here you are telling her how you are going to see her family while she is wishing that it could be her going to see them. If you are serious about her and you are sure you want to marry her then just take her to the town hall and do it so she can start her green card process and you can both go see her family together. If you want to marry her anyway why not speed it up to take that weight of her chest?
Enthusiast
100% this. I’ve been in a similar situation and you can tell from a lot of comments on this thread, people just do not understand the struggle of visa issues.
I was confused when you said you were taking a trip to see her family, because isn't the whole problem that she can't visit them? Then I realzied you mean you told her you were going to go visit her family... without her. Knowing how hard it's been for her to go so long without seeing them, not knowing when she'll see them again, yet you're planning to leave her behind and go see them alone? You didn't even tell her about the proposal so she thinks you're just casually going to visit her family while she's in so much pain being separated from them and has no idea when they'll be reunited.
I can see why she reacted the way she did. What reaction did you think you would get from telling her you're now going to see her family she's missed so much while she's left behind with the pain of years of separation...
How could you not see sooner that she misses her family that much? Marrying a stranger so she could see her finally see her family again says nothing about her views on marriage. It would not be a real marriage, it'd purely be a legal transaction. A piece of paper that'd allow her to get another piece of paper so she can finally leave the country to see her family. Marriage in the way I assume you mean it is *a lot* more than a piece of paper and legal transaction. She could have done that a while ago instead of being with you for years seeing your relationship through. It's unfair to discount her dedication to your relationship over that comment.
Why go in person to ask them? Under other circumstances in-person can be a nice gesture. In this case it's a lot more meaningful to reunite your wife with her family after years apart, than for you to leave her behind and see them alone for a mere formality. You know you want to marry her, so talk to her family on the phone or on video chat and propose. You don't need drag it out longer than necessary. Have a courthouse wedding and go see her family together, you could even have a wedding ceremony with her family and friends from home.
This!
She was clearly fishing for a proposal and would rather marry you. It’s just not a very healthy way of communicating that but it’s common in certain cultures (including mine, being an Arab). Kind of like well if you don’t hurry up, I have other options and I will take my future in charge. Have a conversation with her and encourage her to communicate in a way which is unambiguous to you. You should also think about whether your way of communicating is healthy because shutting down this way when you hear something you don’t like, without trying to understand what the other person might be saying might not be optimal in the future
All the women of course being biased and only thinking of the best case scenario in her head
It’s not best case scenario, it’s reality. She communicated poorly, she’s rightfully emotional, no one invests in someone just to get married when they really could find that alternative path if they really wanted to. OP equally communicated poorly by ghosting her instead of trying to understand why she said something like that - but now he realizes it was a dramatic and desperate way of expressing herself indirectly.
Women aren’t being bias, people’s ignorance and lack of empathy is just showing. The men who are aware what comes with immigration and have a mature emotional intelligence, get it.
Don’t treat this like something she thought about. She was clearly emotional and judging harshly isn’t really fair. In a healthy relationship, your default should be putting her concerns and fears first - and she should do the same for you. The problem is we are also human beings and imperfect. Talk to her. Let her know that hurt you. Give her a chance.
You're selfish. She wasn't serious. And she was trying to be nice because she doesn't want to pressure you
Pro
Sit down with her and explain how you feel about what she said. Explain why you wanted to go visit the home country (assuming you still want to marry). Put yourself into her shoes and ask her to do the same. Try to work through this if she really is the girl of your dreams.
No you arent being selfish. ANY man should be turned off by even the mere mention of anything like that.
Enthusiast
Run bro, just run. Obviously you two are worlds apart culturally if she is just willing to marry a stranger (as opposed to you). Also tells me that she doesn’t see you as the man of her dreams because you were not the first choice.
I feel like you based your answer on the idea of marriage alone while there is much more than marriage involved for that girl. The post is basically saying that girl and him are in love. She is having issues and is uncertain about her future in the country and he is taking his sweet time making big proposals plans without telling her while she just needs reassurance. I would have said she was selfish or bad if she directly asked him to marry her for paper which she has not. Also when she said she will marry someone else for paper doesn't mean she will be in an intimate relationship with that person sir
Enthusiast
Hyperbole. Look it up.
When a woman is crying and emotional, do not take the exact words we say to heart, instead focus on the theme. Zoom out a bit.
She's clearly homesick, frustrated, exasperated with not being married, stressed out by the economy and visa issues, feeling helpless, etc.
Some of us (not all) have the habit of hyperbole when we are upset (myself especially). If you are going to become the hubby, you gotta learn to read between the lines (took my hubby 3-5 years but now 10 years later he is a total pro! Knows me better than I know myself).
Enthusiast
If you are certain that you would be happy with her go ahead with proposal, otherwise 2 years is kinda not enough to be pushed for a marriage. There is 90% probability that she misses her family and needs to feel safe, and 10% she wants to get you in a marriage quickly.
Enthusiast
Marrying some just for immigration benefits is federal crime and she’s trying to commit one here by saying what she said.
Good time to propose
Rising Star
I don’t even follow how getting married really helps. It takes a LONG time to get family over even once she has a green card…
I don’t think she wants to get her family here. She just wants to visit her family and travel freely. Beyond being potentially undocumented, there are many other pending visa statuses or situations (even done by the book) that can restrict your travel and leave you stuck in the US while waiting for paperwork or another stage, etc. Marriage is simply the fastest way to get a green card, that’s why people sometimes pay randos to take that shortcut (which is problematic because immigration shouldn’t be that hard, but when you’re desperate… you think of many things). As many have pointed out before, US visas and immigration can be so complex, even more so for people from some countries, and this lady could not from one of them. If you personally haven’t gone through it or if you don’t have close friends who’ve gone through it and shared their experiences this will sound trivial to you, but to many of us, sadly, it makes sense.
Pro
OP, how did you get your green card?
Pro
I have this question too, since if he went through the hassle he should know. Maybe his was family based GC.
You're not being selfish. But you're overanalyzing it. She was in an emotional state. She's probably been frustrated with the visa issues for a while. Cut her some slack. Don't change your plans but make sure to reaffirm to her that you love her and care for her and that you'll get through this situation.
Enthusiast
The comments here are insane
Enthusiast
You’re being selfish
You wouldn’t understand. She must miss her family immensely, and just knowing that you can simple take a trip to her home country and she can’t must kill her inside. Try and put yourself in her position, if you loved her you would do the right thing. Don’t waste her time and antagonize her. Sometimes sorting out your status here takes a long ass time due to the bottleneck now in the process. She is stressed, depressed and her life is in limbo and her future is based on your actions, whether to marry or not.I hate when people play that card, if you don’t want to be with her, let her know and make sure your are not bitter about it when she moves on from you.
She is just upset. I think rather than saying “
Will you marry me” she said what she said. Wouldn’t look into this too much. Women are notorious for not being direct in their asks
Huh?! That’s what I said!!
Community Builder
I had an exact reverse of this situation. I was dating someone who refused to commit because I was not selected in the H1 lottery at the time. They had their visa sorted and I-140 in hand. However, they wanted their partner to have an independent visa. I walked out of the relationship because it got toxic towards the end.
Currently, I relocated Canada and I have a door open through L1. I completely agree that the visa situation is stressful. But, I strongly believe that people can work their ways around it.
And, I believe that if two people want to genuinely be with each other, they would work through uncertainties (I am not talking about toxic people or toxic relationships).
I am making a movie based on this. 2 idiots. OP, let me know if you have any concerns with me using this story. Jokes aside, just talk it out and get clarity. Either way it’s good for you. Good luck.