12 years and my partner won't do chores. Vent vent vent. I make 80% of our income and pay 80% of expenses. I'm also tidy but hate cleaning. Partner works 20-30 hours/ week no kids and is a slob. 3 months ago made chore list, got them to sign on the list the 50/50 split that it was fair. 3 months later I've been doing my chores they haven't done any. Brought it up today and was accused that the list was unfair they refuse and they dont have time because they must "work to subsidize your expenses"

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I would say that you’re coming at the relationship from a transactional point of view. This is a recipe for a dismal relationship.

Now, I want you to know that’s ok to feel hurt that your partner does not do what is asked.

However, it’s important to dig underneath the surface.

Do you feel hurt? Do you feel betrayed? Do you feel like they don’t care about you and how much work you’re doing?

How do they feel?

Do they feel like doing all those chores is giving up their personal power? Do they feel like you’re trying to control them? Does it make them feel small? Do they feel overwhelmed under their current structure and need your support? What does it like to support them?

You will often find that your partner is a heavily rational human being, but there is so much happening underneath the surface beyond the logic of the chores.

likehelpful

So, I think this is something you should bring up. What I would say is to avoid the term gaslighting. You’re quickly making them the perpetrator. Maybe they felt strong armed into signing the list?

To me, this screams power struggle. Until you address the feelings and emotions behind the struggle, it will continue.

Even if you get your way here, the battlefield will just transfer elsewhere and you will both likely resent each other anyway.

helpful

I was in this situation with my last relationship. Thinking back I just didn’t set the precedent right, like I started off doing everything for them and was more than happy to pay for more expenses because I make more, I thought that was what you do when you love someone in a relationship. So my contributions became expectations over time, and I got more and more overwhelmed and stressed. Nothing worked, asking for help didn’t work, venting didn’t work, getting mad and yelling didn’t work. I just didn’t feel like I was cared for or loved in the relationship. My solution was a breakup. I think you can try approaching the conflict calmly and not with an accusation tone. Explain that you are overwhelmed, and you need help (even though in your mind they are supposed to do their shares), see how they react. Approach the issue as a team, as life partners, not enemies. I think some people are just not capable of thinking that way (like my ex), and if that’s how they are, then you just have to ask whether that’s something you can handle for the rest of your life.

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By the way, I did get cleaning service even though my ex didn’t think we should, I didn’t need their approval to get cleaning service with my own money.

likefunny

I’m in a similar financial situation as you and had this situation for years with my wife. Counseling really helped her see the strain it was causing but ultimately we just hired a cleaner. She pitches in so much more now with normal day to day chores.

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I hope you're not married because from the way you're talking about your partner to a bunch of strangers, your relationship is over

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12 years though? Damn. Not sure how you get that far in as this sounds like a constant issue.

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That sounds really rough. I'd give them three options at this point: they can do what they originally promised, they can go to couple's counseling with you, or they can start paying everything 50/50.

This sounds painful 😖 If this is how conflicts are usually handled in the relationship (e.g., feeling gaslit, outright refusals to reasonable requests), it might be time to end it

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