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I left my relationship when my son was three months old. His father gets him during the day on Sundays and two weekdays each week. It’s not exactly easy being away from him, but the relationship between his father and I is so much healthier these days.
While I understand the temptation to stay in a miserable relationship for the sake of your children, you’re not really doing any of you any favours. Your kids will learn from your example - is this really the example you want to set them for their future relationships? Kids pick up on more than you realise, they’ll be picking up on the tension even if they aren’t quite aware of the cause of it.
If you wait until they’re adults to leave your marriage, they’ll carry around the guilt of thinking they caused you to be unhappy for years. Not only that, but it’s hard to be the best parent you can be when you’re stressed and miserable. You sound like you want the best possible relationship with your children, and you’re willing to do whatever it takes to make them happy. I think they’d want the same for you, even if it means some short-term pain.
Ultimately, you know your situation best, and only you can make this decision. If you think you can repair your marriage to a point where you’re no longer miserable in the relationship through counseling or by having a frank and open discussion with your husband, then of course try that before making the decision to end your marriage. However, if you know you’re at the point of no return and the only alternative to divorce is faking it, pull the plug.
My ex and I had a very acrimonious split, but are now in a good enough place that we can be around each other without our son in the room and it be genuinely friendly. Early days will be hard work, and on the days I really loathed my ex I had to turn my focus on the fact that he was a good father rather than dwell on him being a terrible partner. It’s worth pushing through it though, as a strong co-parenting relationship will make that separation from your kids much easier. When your ex is willing to work with you to do the best for your kids, rather than working against your wishes out of spite, it makes everyone’s life easier.
Good luck OP, wishing you the best with whatever you choose to do!
Awww, what a beautiful message. Thank you, and you’ll get through this too!
I’m a child of divorce myself, though I was nearly five when my parents split - for what’s worth, despite me spending every second weekend and half of my holidays away from my mother, we couldn’t be closer. She’s honestly a best friend to me as much as a mother and grandmother. She worked full time, and long hours too, but when she was around she was so present. It’s about the quality of your time together rather than the quantity - I have friends who had stay-at-home mothers or fathers and a two-parent household, who aren’t half as close to their parents as I am to my mum.
Your love for your kids is so obvious. You might miss them while they’re away, but I have no doubt your relationship with them will only go from strength to strength. They’ll respect you for making the tough choice now in order to improve everyone’s happiness in the long run, I can tell you from personal experience.
I’m sending you so many positive vibes! We mothers have more strength than even we know x
I really love and appreciate this thread. I have been struggling in my marriage and we have two young kids, too. We have been in counseling and I honestly think it is worth going for a bit before fully calling it. Counseling helped us immensely. We may end up splitting down the road but I feel happy knowing we both still care enough about eachother to work on it.
Thank you for such a kind message SS1. I appreciate it more than you know!
CD 1 - I hope that everything works out for you too. If you are both willing to put in the work, then I think it’s absolutely worth doing it. I’ve been struggling with this too - about knowing when I should throw in the towel or if I should keep trying to put in the work. We had progressed and I was really hopeful in the beginning of counseling, but for a while now it’s been going in the wrong direction and the unhappiness and stress is taking its toll. Things that should be happy moments - like a weekend family trip or just a regular Saturday morning - are full of arguments and tension. I’m such a happy person outside of this relationship that I can’t have such a major part of my life be so negative. We have our next session on Tuesday and I think the focus needs to be on the crossroads we are now facing.
I so appreciate the kindness and support from you ladies. I know it’s weird since we are all strangers and it’s a random social media platform, but it’s true that us moms are super women and becoming a mother has just made me in awe of how strong women really are. Sending good thoughts and love to all of you.
Thank you so much for the helpful and thoughtful response. I know in my heart that it’s probably best for all if we spilt. And what you said about me caring so much for my kids that they probably feel the same for me and want me to be happy made me cry! I really appreciate the response and I’m glad to hear that it all worked out for you. I, too, have a very small baby and I’m sure it was really difficult for you to split up with your babe so young as well. Cheers to you and your family and I hope you all have continued happiness.
You should do what you feel is right and I am inspired by your strength. Just know that you deserve happiness. I keep telling myself that but for some reason it’s easier to give advice than take it 😭
Just found this thread. I had been thinking about divorce. I decided to start looking at apartments to move out to see how it feels. Just that act alone was enough to help me realize that divorce is not what I want right now. Going to get counseling and work on new job instead and see if that helps. Hope by now you’ve found your right choice.
...half of the time kills me. I know it’s not healthy for kids to see their parents unhappy either, but I’m worried of being even more unhappy without them and thinking of staying in it and faking the funk for them. Any advice?