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Is because she didn't know what cross contamination is. I ended up typing a shit load of stuff so came back to add detail.
We've been dating for 10 years, starting from senior year in high school.
We both come from poor immigrant single mother households but I've really strived to develop myself. I love her but to be blunt, there is a serious mismatch in industriousness, conscientiousness, and general intelligence in our relationship. Before, I thought it would be nbd because if I'm very competent then I can carry her. But after years I'm finding myself on a constantly short fuse.
The recurring thought and theme is that she will help me more by not doing anything. The other day she started building a desk after I asked her to just let me handle it myself when I had time. She got halfway through and called it quits. When I picked things up I realized she had assembled it incorrectly. She has quite poor attention to detail and is in that dangerous spot where she doesn't know what she doesn't know but still chooses to act, so she does something like skim over the graphics in the instructions and says OK this panel kind of looks like that panel so I'll just start screwing stuff in.
Well the left drawer rails are installed into the right panel and vice versa so I have to disassemble half the desk before I can start assembling it. What used to be 1 job has now turned into 2 jobs of effort between both of us with her doing half a job and me doing 1.5 jobs just to get one thing done. Also she stripped a bunch of screws by using my power drill after I have asked her repeatedly not to since she doesn't know how to use it properly and I don't want to give her the 101 on power tool usage since she will forget and not care to refresh herself before trying to use it again.
I don't know if I'm coming off as petty, but it's shit like this to varying degrees almost daily for the last 10 years. At 6 years I started thinking that I should propose, but each year something happens that makes me feel like "duuude.... No... Just no...." on the other hand if she died in a car crash tomorrow I would regret for the rest of my life that I didn't make her my wife. Can anyone else relate? If so how did you get around it? Did you just suck up having to do all this stuff?
I want to stress that I love and care about this person, but having previously worked at a day care this sometimes feels just a few notches down from taking care of a child with a learning disability. At least with the daycare job I was able to quit after a few months and move on with my life.
Worse yet her Mom with dementia (early stages) is now living with us. The plan is for her mom to go live with her brother after a few months but idk how permanent this situation may be. Her mom is chill and not up in my grill though, just watches TV in her room all day so it's not a huge issue (for now).
She also got a dog despite me telling her I'm allergic to dogs. Her reasoning was "our friends came over with their dog that one day and you were fine so I thought you grew out of your allergies." I was like dude.... There is a difference between a tiny dog coming over for 3 hours and another one living permanently with me. But because she is not very bright she didn't even begin to conceptualize what the mechanism of pet allergies is like and that allergens in the form of pet dander can accumulate and cause issues.
I can type all day but I hope I demonstrated I'm not just whining. I feel like my patience is really worn thin. I'd appreciate thoughts and feedback. I've said to her recently "you know... Most guys would not live when a dog they're allergic too AND your mom while putting up with all this shit. Something has to give!!!" her mom is living with us because she doesn't want her mom to be alone (slipped and fell recently), so I may just ask her to go live with her mom in her mom's house if things stay this way. I've had to become a tough and competent person to be able to take care of the both of us but I'm more and more getting to the point that I just don't want to. 4 YOE 230k TC, I feel like I want to enjoy living my own life as a relatively high income and competent person. I want my time and mental energy back to work out in the home gym of the house I've recently purchased. I want to go fu bars with friends or eat kbbq alone and not feel bad about leaving her alone, but because she's like a traumatized puppy we've gotten into the habit of doing most things together. There is in fact trauma in her childhood that is similar to mine, but man... We're almost 30. I've gotten over my traumas and worked hard to develop myself into who I've always wanted to be. And feeling like I'm chained to this relationship and taking care of two dementia patients has gotten less and less in line with who I want to be since I first thought about proposing 4 years ago.
I also feel a measure of guilt for thinking this way/responsibility for my actions since she's been sleeping with me all these years and the sex is very good. It was never my intention to string her along and not marry her. I've talked to her very openly about my feelings (not quite as open as this thread perhaps but nothing in this thread would surprise her) and begged her to make things easier for me, which doesn't really entail doing more work. I literally beg her to just stop setting me off and pay more attention to a few things that she repeatedly does. It's at the point now that something will happen and I'll get really upset/irritated and it drains all the energy out of me. My mom gifted us some frozen goods recently and my girlfriend defrosted a little bit to eat and then left the rest to rot in the fridge for the next month. It's like, it's impossible for me to get her to be mindful about wrecking things. The only way this won't happen is if I create a schedule to check the fridge /garage /restrooms /all these different things on a daily to weekly basis. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS.
Good luck with the situation.
In my experience, things don't get better over a period of time. After kids, they could get worse if anything. I have seen couples make basic mistakes with their kids that made me question their basic intelligence. I could draw parallels with what you described in your patient post. Of course, I do not know you guys personally, but if it were me, I d very seriously sit down and talk it out with her.
Do what you both can live with, but never go fwd assuming she will learn or improve. In fact, assume it will worsen with an expanding family, reducing energy (and libido) and demanding kids (if you choose to have them).