How did you set your rent budget when moving in with a partner? I make $170k base ($225k inc bonus), and my boyfriend makes $125k base ($140k inc bonus). I’m used to allocating 30% of my take-home pay to rent, which is about $2400/mo for a central, nice neighbourhood, but my bf’s used to paying closer to $1300/mo to live in an outer suburb and balks at the rent prices I think are reasonable given our incomes. We live in a very HCOL city and both wfh so ideally want a 3BR (Continued in comments)

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He made 4x less than me. I wanted to live in a nicer, pricier place, and he had a max budget of $1500. So he paid max $1500 and we moved into the place I wanted for $4k. I paid the remaining rent and utilities.
You shouldn’t make him pay more for what you want.

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In your original post, you expressed that you didn’t want to pay double what he paid to live in a place that was more to your liking. Perhaps this has nothing to do with gender norms, but I interpreted it this way.
I think you’re thinking of things too black and white. You do not need to pay exactly an equal share based on your salaries (which are not that different, btw). You two have totally different ideas of percent income you should allocate to rent. If you want to get your way, you need to pay up. If you break up, he’d be stuck paying too much for a place that he never agreed to. He is more interested in saving money.
I had the same situation with my now husband and I got my way (moved into the fancier apartment I wanted) by paying more on my end. Why would I expect him to pay more and save less.
Are you engaged? Maybe he’s saving for a ring? Something else?
In conclusion, I don’t think the rent breakdown needs to be 50/50, 60/40, or anything else. It should be a number you are both comfortable with. The person who gets more of what they want should pay more for it, it’s only fair- whatever that number may be.

We started off where I was going to pay what I was currently paying for rent, and she would pay what she was. We had to increase because we moved from MCOLA to HCOLA for what she wanted and she ended up paying close to relative comp differences as we knew I was happy with the options available and she was ok paying more than me for what she cared about. Doesn’t work for everyone (especially if taken advantage of), but worked for us. Ended up paying about proportional to incomes

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Thank you!

We could just each pay what we’re willing to pay, which would mean a decent rental budget, but that does mean I’ll be contributing almost double. That doesn’t sit well because our HHI contributions are 57 me/43 him when we look at salary and 60 me/40 him when we look at total comp. Alternatively, we could agree a percentage of take-home we will both contribute, which means our overall rental budget will be lower, but the contribution will reflect our incomes.

We’re in agreement that it’s too early to combine finances, so we don’t think of our HHI as “ours” at this stage. This is our first time making big financial decisions together that impact us as a couple, and I’ve never done this before! All advice welcome.

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