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This does not seem sustainable. I would get out. I know its easy for me to say, but i believe it will be better in the longrun. Feel free to dm me if you want to chat more and i can give you some perspective 😔
My advice is a little different from others. Just go away and don’t tell him where you are or when you will return. If he tries to contact you, there is some hope left else you have to make a decision. I would still urge you to have an honest conversation with him regarding your marriage. You should also try to understand his perspective and ask him to do the same. Go on ice cream dates even if it is for 30mins.
Tried this bc it just turned into weird silent treatment where it seemed like I was being punished for asking for the bare minimum. After a week he texted me: “missing my wife, when are you coming home?”
When I came home, he continued giving me the silent treatment. I asked him if his phone was hacked bc I truly didn’t understand..
Eventually this issue skyrocketed into the biggest argument that we’ve ever had. Me calling him things that I know crossed the line big time and him throwing around the D word carelessly.
We have since calmed down where he has agreed to his original faults: time spent, intimacy, communication, etc. However, things are very much awkward bc too much has been said at this point..
Guy speaking here — At best, it sounds like he is actively avoiding home as a form of escapism for a life he is unhappy with. At worst, it has a lot of hallmark signs of cheating. Was he a “nice guy” when you dated? If he won’t talk about it, most people resort to spying/snooping, which immediately breaks any remaining trust. I’d recommend against that. If it feels like the marriage is already crumbling, maybe the next step is creating the conversational space to talk about counseling or separation? Because it sounds like he won’t say it even if he wants it. And he’ll likely try to people please by telling you no to separation as a solution. If you find yourself having already done all that, you have no other tools than to leave.
Also, not sure how old you both are, but being out until 6am is wild, even for a young college graduate. Being out past midnight on a weekday is a lot, even for someone who owns their own business. There’s a maturity thing there, or it’s cheating, or it’s a burgeoning issue like alcohol as a form of cope.
Good luck.
Can’t agree more
If you don’t have kids, leave!! Stay away all night is just not acceptable… do check if he is having an affair or not!! Someone not caring for his wife even after these many requests is a box of red flags. Be financially independent… save for a year or so and decide.
Wow.. what a bunch of Einsteins in the comment section.. on basis of this post; there is near zero info on the case and you all have dumped your own personal frustration on the author! Breaking away is very easy; persevering is tough.. 6 months me company nahi samajh aati; shaadi ko thoda to time do..
My take - running a business is very tough and you have to be passionate to the point of crazy to build it ground up. 2 years down the line, you’ll appreciate an ambitious guy more than a hopeless romantic..
Not sure if you had an arrange or love marriage; in either case, living together is a challenge for most couples.. most guys are clueless regarding how to give quality time to their spouse.. help him cross the bridge; tell him that you need some time off otherwise marriage won’t work.. book weekend getaway tickets for the next month in advance.. once he will start realising the importance of these moments, he’ll always try to find escapes like this.. 6 months is too soon to take such a decision.. if you love him even a bit, try moulding him with your requirements; will take some work but you’ll be there forever alpha of the relationship.. breaking off is easy; you can do it any day you feel; try the tough route once; it’s generally tough in the start but you’d generally feel good about the fruits!
As everyone has pointed out already , there is no point in trying anymore . Remember , you can’t change a person . Cheating or not, he is definitely not interested in you . A newly wed would usually be all lovey dovey or Atleast try to spend as much time as possible . But this man’s behaviour is a clear disregard and disrespect to his marriage . So leave .
I appreciate all of the comments/ advice.
One additional piece of context: he grew up in a different country where he was raised by his brother who treated him horrible, like he was the house servant. He essentially had to escape from his country and come to America (about 12 years ago).
So I understand there is some trauma there with feelings of “control” and not wanting to be “caged” again. He sometimes wakes in the night screaming or sweating from having nightmares from his past experience. I have urged him to seek help. But he is against it - a cultural barrier where he sees therapy as a weakness. But i know that I cannot help him in the way he needs to be helped.
It’s not a surprise. I understand that’s how it is. I’m just attempting to acknowledge that the work involved in a divorce is not without its unfair and uneven burden.
I'm concerned about the waking up screaming part. I am getting the feeling that he isn't avoiding you but rather avoiding sleep and conversation. He could have PTSD and was unable to tell you the extent of his abuse. Do you have a friend or relative that happens to be a psychologist who could talk informally with him if therapy is stigmatized in his culture?
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Is this all new behavior since you got married or has he always been like this?
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I wouldn’t expect getting married or having kids change who the person is - what you see is what you get generally.
Too early and too little info to say anything - but he’s likely having an affair or maybe he’s gay? (Not judging but trying to help you think about options)
I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Like everyone else has said, none of this is normal. Given where you're at in your relationship, it's unlikely to get better too. This should be the honeymoon phase and he's taking you completely for granted. Divorce sucks (I know this firsthand), but wasting time in a hopeless marriage is far, far worse. I'd start looking for an attorney ASAP.
I think he is under tremendous pressure to succeed. It isn't easy owning a business. Sometimes the owner is trying to stay afloat and make payroll. I have seen it. Maybe he can contact his chamber of commerce his city manager/city business development office to see if there are any financial supports for entrepreneurs.
See if he could partner with a local college to arrange a few financial aid work study positions that could lighten the load.
Also he needs therapy to deal with the stress and coach him into creating a work life balance before he burns out.
If you’re Catholic (or not), consider seeing a priest to provide spiritual guidance. I’m particularly concerned about the waking up screaming part.
I’d make it very clearly that you cannot continue in a marriage like this. You’d like to seek counseling and would like to see baby steps at least forward. If not you’re leaving.
Why did you get married in the first place?
Because I love him. And he was very intentional in how he showed me love (I loved it). We talked about not wanting to control or change each other and it seems he has taken it to a different level..
…he doesn’t want his workers to not feel that he is putting in his fair share of work, or that he’s “working” on finding a day that works best for him to take off. In addition to this, he likes to go out. Which is not a problem for me under normal circumstances (bc I like going out too). But when we are already not seeing each other it becomes frustrating. When he does decide to take a day off of work, it’ll be to attend a party, or another friend’s event. Or if his friend asks him to go out with him after work, he’ll just go (without saying a word to me) and get back home around 3/4 in the morning.
Most recently I have been feeling extremely down and he asked why. I explained this to him and he acted as if this was the first time that he is hearing this or like maybe I am overreacting and will get over it soon. That same day, he got back home at 9:30 (on a Saturday) and then got ready to leave the house by 11:30pm to not come back home until 6 am the next day.
At this point I feel unheard, disregarded, and like he just does not have an interest in me. In addition, we do not have sex maybe once every 2 months. But when I try to show affection or kiss/ touch him, he pulls away and finds an excuse like: “i need to wash my hands” or “i have to turn off the light” and that’s typically the end of it until he is ready.
I know we are very early in the marriage and maybe I should be more patient, but it really hurts. What do I do?