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Dear Men - Need your perspective.
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If you feel like he needs to change for you to like him it's not a good sign for the future lol
This
aware of it and he wore jeans and an ugly grandpa cardigan and sneakers. In his defense, this is what he wears to the office. But it just showed he overall lacks taste with clothing. That part is fixable. He also just couldn’t really keep up with conversation as much and wasn’t very in the know. It sort of gave me the ick.
The whole evening sort of put this weird feeling in my stomach. Like I have this fixer upper man that is a little rough around the edges that needs overall refinement. Idk it made me sad because i love him and think he’s really good for me, but I just felt like he’s not the level I need him to be in potentially superficial categories but clearly it’s someone important to me bc it’s bothering me.
Anyone have a perspective on what I should consider?
Whet do you mean by “in the know” and “couldn’t keep up in conversations?” It’s too ambiguous for me to understand what actually happened.
If someone called me a fixer upper man I would break up with them so I would be careful with your phrasing to avoid issues with him.
I don’t think you should go into it with the mentality of fixing him. If he embarrasses you and is not at your level you should move on.
Does your boyfriend work in your industry? You said he’s a senior manager but didn’t share his field. Being “in the know” is very industry specific. If you primarily spend your time at work and with people in your field, it’s easy to think people who aren’t in your field aren’t at your level. Keep in mind that there are spaces in which you’re not “in the know” as well. Are you looking for a relationship or a coworker?
If your boyfriend doesn’t have style, simply ask him what he’s planning to wear to more formal/business casual events and make suggestions. Work cultures and norms vary greatly.
The really important part is that he’s good for you- and if anyone had a problem with him it’s their problem
That said
Having someone that can provide good conversation with me and with my social circle and gives off and vibe of “belonging there” and understands the nuances of social conventions and what is appropriate in what circumstance is very important for me, and and I couldn’t see myself long term with someone who does not have that (regardless of what their background is)
I’ve had exactly this issue. I sat it out, attempted to change his erm… ways (clothes and mild stupidity), 18 months later I had to let him go.
It grates on you when they can’t dress right for the occasion and then seem pretty lacking in other frankly, supremely important aspects; education, communication and stepping up in these moments you mention.
I did do that “I can fix this” but you what? You can’t. Sorry 😔
A) "He makes less money than me" - are you hoping he will earn more so he can support you at some point? When I met my wife, we both worked in accounting and we never discussed salaries. She decided to go back to school and become a doctor. She was cash poor, and we moved in together so she could be eligible for loans. We always kept our money separate. I paid for all our vacations, and sge insisted on budget accommodations. Now she earns so much more than me.
B) "business casual" - you should have told him what to wear. When my wife was a resident, there were a few formal social events each year. The suit I bought for our wedding was not acceptable. The men all wore tuxedos, so I had to buy one. It doesn't fit me now (ha).
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Take him clothes shopping with you and dress him up. He should get it and love looking good for you and having fun along the way!
Any person who uses the phrase "the ick" in describing another human being, much less a romantic partner, is a "fixer upper" themselves and probably shouldn't judge too harshly.
Being a little unfashionable or shy in new situations are both extremely fixable. The attitude implied by the way you're talking about this man is a much bigger red flag.