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Bowl Leader
Pause. Breathe. Proceed.
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Bowl Leader
Acceptance is the answer.
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I've come to learn to pray more and have faith that a higher power has things figured out more than I can ever comprehend. Most recently, this applies to the unexpected passing of a loved one. My brain is trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense, and I've learned to stop myself overthinking by asking for the strength to focus on serving those around me.
It's been a process, and it isn't something that comes naturally. About 3 years ago, I had already been sober a while, and I had gotten comfortable living the life that I had created for myself amd my family. Had the dream job, proverbial house on the hill, and job title thst provided plenty of fuel for my ego. There was no need to pray or do anything to not drink, even threats from my wife that she was leaving wasn't enough to make me want to drink or change anything, though we did have some arguments that got me closer to a drink than I was willing to admit at the time. The story about the boy who was whistling in the dark comes to mind thinking back.
Then the day came. My manager put me on a PIP, and it was clear to me that, even though the numbers were there, this wasn't the kind of PIP I wasn't intended to complete successfully. I have never been so devastated and scared, even counting all the horrific hangovers. I had always known that not losing my job was the one thing that kept me from being a bottom barrel daily drinker, and here I am facing my worst fear with nobody to help.
Long story short, I got myself to a meeting of AA, got sponsored again, and got to work. AA yet again saved me from myself, and life turned out ok without getting a new sobriety date. I learned the valuable lesson that I can't get so successful that I don't need a higher power, and that having a connection to that higher power works in ALL situations, drunk or dry.
Best guidance I heard - I'm a few months shy of 3 years and in that time I've been laid off, got a new job in a new city, marriage ended, yadda yadda (nothing but change in many ways):
- act like a beginner
What I've taken that to mean - actively engage with what works best in the program, use the tools it gives you. Don't just go to mtgs, share, engage, show up fully. Get active with service. Re-read the Big Book or 12 & 12 (or look into other official AA literature). And while it hasn't happened for me yet, become a sponsor (I have stepped up working with new ppl coming in tho via other forms of service)
I am dabbling in a separation / divorce which is a stressful Rollercoaster. I have no idea what my future holds. The life I pictured is evaporating. I lean heavily on the steps, my sponsor, and the fellowship rn. There is no "most important" but some top priorities for me right now are seeking a relationship with my higher power to constantly try to determine the next right action while doing no harm, relying on my faith that my higher power is not gonna let me down, staying connected with my sponsor and other AAs and being vulnerable about what's going on so that I don't end up self isolating myself in shame depending how this shakes out, and daily inventory to make sure I'm treating my spouse fairly and with kindness and to ensure I'm not taking out my stress and anxiety on anyone else nor letting it affect the parts of my life that are still good. If it weren't for the program, I'd probably just be drinking myself into a stupor to avoid this issue all together. I really don't know if getting divorced is ultimate right thing but I'm trying to do a series of next right things on a daily basis and we will see where it ends up.
Bowl Leader
Thank you for those that responded; it's so easy for me to feel like I'm the only one going through tough times. "Life on life's terms" pretty much sums it all up. But I appreciate the thorough responses; especially the reminder to be like a newcomer (which is really a way of saying, "remain teachable"). I'm powerless...over pretty much everything.
The primary (and sole?) power we have is the choice and decision to use the tools that the program offers to us, and to apply them with purpose, meaning and intention. Then, hopefully, we are able to make it through another day resisting the urge/need to reach for whichever substance we cannot control our need for. Keep at it Bowl Leader, you got this, one day at a time.