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Chill out man. Y’all didn’t even have kids yet. Either of you may change their mind in a few years.
No need to be frustrated or this.
If you just discussed it with her she might stop asking repeatedly
Enthusiast
Your wife needs a hobby. Also - and I hope you’re sitting down for this - people move to smaller or larger houses all the time. They even have TV shows about it!
Enthusiast
Why is forcing kids to share rooms harsh? It’s why bunk beds exist. Growing up my family had 4 kids in our bedroom with the second bedroom a playroom/library/additional storage. We went 2 kids in each room instead when the kids ranged 10-14 years old.
I’ve literally never had my own room - had roommates in college dorms, and shared my bedroom with a SO/spouse after college.
You all sound young and immature. First, you haven’t even tried to have kids and have no idea how easy or hard it will be. Two, you wanting a private office space is a totally separate discussion than the kids sharing rooms. Make them as separate decisions and buy a house that will work to accommodate both decisions.
^Probably also cheaper to do that before the third kid
I’m a wife that originally thought I wanted 3 kids but realized the world is definitely made for families of 4.
“Family 4 packs” are options at ever theme park, zoo, rec. center, etc. it’s easier for vacation because you don’t need a suite/massive room/2 rooms. You never have an odd one out on rides at theme parks (most rides are 2 or 4 across, some are 3 though). Same with flights, 2 and 2 are easy to sit with and handle.
It’s easier to get a table for 4 at restaurants, as opposed to 5, because they need a table for 6. Adding 1 additional child was going to cost us a lot of extra money. Not that I wouldn’t love my child and gladly pay the additional costs, but it was just convenient for our lives to have only have 2. And I quickly realized that.
We also have a 4bdr and I WFH, but we also have an office. A spare bedroom was non-negotiable as we’re not close distance-wise to either of our families and when they visit they are always here for a weekend at minimum.
I am also a 3rd child and I loved it, which is why I originally wanted 3 of my own. Sorry y’all feel like a burden, my parents never made me feel that way and I hope that if I do have a 3rd I wouldn’t make them feel like that. This is all very logic based reasons as why a 3rd for us doesn’t make sense (right now). We’re still young and our children are young, a 3rd isn’t off the table.
Give up your job so your kids can have a room. Easy. Quit now to show her you fully support the idea.
Rising Star
Pro tip: say “yes” to her. Seriously. In the meantime, use the smallest of the bedrooms for an office. It’ll be at least 3/4 years before you’d have to give it up anyway…
Odds are that after child #2 you’ll realize how much harder it is to play a man defense w/ 2 kids than it was playing zone w/ one. In fact, she might not want the 3rd after experiencing 2.
Either way though, you’ll have an office for at least 3 or 4 years before that happens.
Enthusiast
As a fully remote consultant, you’d want your work space to be as far from your sweet babies as possible for quite some time. Babies are loud and toddlers are active. I often hear parents of young kids going back to the office just to get work done. Tell your wife she’s right, all 3 remaining bedrooms are for kids, but you’ll just use one as your office temporarily (if she doesn’t mind of course). The other 2 rooms are for guests and her crafts.
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I went back to the office to get away from two teenage children and husband (never mind babies and toddlers). Actually, I returned to work after being a SAHM for 3 years because I couldn’t take it.
Enthusiast
Am I selfish for wanting my own space? She is concerned that I won’t put our kids above myself bc i really want this.
I think that having 2 vs. 3 should be a10 year away assessment and joint decision. I am really frustrated that she is forcing me to commit to that now when I’m not sure I want 3.
Any advice on avoiding unnecessary and painful discussions like this? I hate going in circles.
This is bizarre. You can always reconfigure a room depending on the need. It’s not hard to move a desk and repaint. She’s prioritizing the needs of children that don’t (and may never) exist.
You are not wrong from wanting your own space-especially for an office.
It sounds like something else is going on with her and this is the thing that is causing it to bubble up. If she has this anxiety now, it will amplify once you two start trying for kids/have kids. Kids are an amplifier- deal with the issues/feelings you don’t want amplified now. Talk to her about what is really going on— whether it is just you two talking or with a therapist.
Let her know we'll cross the bridge when we get there. There is so much to a marriage and even the first kid changes your world.. let alone deciding the gender and total number of kids. It's like committing to becoming a millionaire without securing your first job/gig
Why not make one of the spare rooms your office given its unused space otherwise right now? If the time comes that you’re talking needing it for a bedroom, worry then. And as for sharing rooms…let them have their own space. If you have 2 kids and push them into the same room, what’s that extra room for?
I’m trying to understand how this never came up before you were married with it being such a sticking point for your wife. Fact is this house doesn’t have to be your forever home so deciding on the number of children based on it doesn’t make sense. Your house meets your today needs, you can find one that meets tomorrows. I think you two meet to consider therapy and work on communication.
Sounds like she’s prioritizing the house they’re in over the kids she wants? 🤔
Having a minimum set number of kids is such a weird concept.
Utopian ideals of what a “family” is are hard to get rid of…
A home office is non negotiable as it’s your stream of income. You guys are immature because try having one first. Or maybe mature first and get therapy so your wife learns that it’s not her way or the highway for things that don’t even exist.
Rising Star
Discuss this when you have to (ie- you have a kid coming that will force you to make this decision)
Rising Star
Has your wife ever been treated for anxiety? This fixation on a particular outcome and the planning ahead is disproportionate to reality. As others have noted, there are so many variables between now and three hypothetical kids. It makes me wonder what is really going on for her. What is causing her lack of chill here?
Instead of trying to prove your point of why you are right in this argument, try finding out why she is digging in. It could be that something is stressing her and somehow fixating on this vision of three kids in this house is comforting her.
OP - get a bigger house when you get closer to the third kid.
Let’s see if you both want three kids when you get to that stage.
Chief
This is honestly a weird argument. Just tell her this “I understand your position, but since we have 0 kids right now, and office furniture can easily be moved to make way for a nursery, let’s just live in the moment and turn this into my office temporarily.”
Who knows? You guys could move, have 5 kids, get a job that requires you to be in person - so many things can change in 5 years. Do what’s useful for where you are right now, and stop trying to convince her you’re right about the kids thing. Just tell her it isn’t worth discussing now because you have 0 kids but 1 job that needs an office space.
Pro
The 3rd kid is at a minimum, 3 years away. Have an office now and if you need to make a 3rd bedroom in 3 years, handle that when the time comes
Having 3 kids is at least 3 years down the road unless you have twins or triplets. So you should get your dang office for now. & discuss the 4th bedroom issue way down the road
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I think y’all are conflating issues here and playing hide and seek. The office has nothing to do with it. It’s a fundamental issue of how many kids do you want.
If you agree to 3 kids, does that mean you will have to work from outside until the 3rd kid is born? Exactly!
Tackle the real issue and not confuse the discussion with office space.