My wife and I constantly argue about my working hours.. I work regular corporate hours and I do not work on weekends. My wife believes that I am inefficient in my job and she does not believe what the workload of Strategy Partners at mid-sized firms actually is. Could you all give me a sense checking of how many hours you work and advice for managing my wife’s expectations for what is acceptable?

If that’s the type of inquisition I was going through upon my return from work, I’d happily throw in an extra few hours every day and weekend to escape it 🤷🏼

Was doing 65hrs until I realized promotions and pay were unrelated, despite my working 2 levels up and working smart. So I scaled back to 40-45hrs a week, used the extra time to work out and build strength, lost weight, get regular and preventative healthcare, changed bad habits for good ones, networked outside consulting and my domain, spend more family time, took care of supporting my family when they need me, increased frequency of date nights and day trips with wife, more trips (was hardly taking vacation), took on wing foiling, joined a local group of friends, do guys trip. Those 20 hours a week made an enormous difference in life quality.
One kid out of the house so wife took on an activity, so she is less on my back and I’m less on hers.

You cannot manage what is acceptable until you understand how she came to this conclusion.

Start where she is, is she a strategy partner to even validate her view? Where did she get this view from? Could be comparing her view to the wrong perception or data point. Very easy to blame the most obvious area like work because it was makes you disappear 40 hours a week.

Focus on the differences of what she knows and your reality and emphasize that there is a wild possibility that things could not be the same for everyone.

Finally stick to the heart of the matter, is your efficiency her concern? Prob No ..asking what is it she is not saying about time that is bothering her and besides attacking work what can you do to fix what she really wants…

“Other than working less for a demanding job how can we work together to get us both what we need?”

35-50 a week. I’m not bustling my balls to make the next level, I’m content with where I am if that helps contextualize.

My wife feels this way too. I have found no success in justifying my hours based on peer comparison or stating that she doesn’t understand the industry.

Remember, she’s saying she wants more of you. And life is short

45, 50+ hrs. /w.
Have your wife call my ex-wife.
Then have your wife call my current/much younger and happier wife who loves traveling with me, and driving the new GLE I bought her for her birthday😉.

What does it mean that you work “regular corporate hours”? I work 40 hours most weeks.

Curious if your wife also works? I have noticed that many partner’s spouses do not work, and I think they put up with the hours because they see the financial benefits and enjoy being able to not work. If your wife works, she might be frustrated with picking up the slack on household stuff. Regardless, I would caution you that this is probably about more than just your hours and something serious could be simmering. I suggest therapy.

I’ve worked 50+ since entering this profession as a junior staff member. That didn’t change when I made partner.

I think there’s something much deeper than just the pure hours you work.

Worth having a discussion with her to try and uncover the true root cause of her unhappiness.

As others have said - is it because she feels like a single mom since you are away a lot? Or that she feels that you’re not present for her and the kids even when you are home (eg constantly on your phone/ taking calls, etc)?

Is there some way to make the time you do spend together more meaningful as a family (eg outsource cleaning, laundry, meal prep) so that you’re both not tired and overwhelmed with chores when you are home?

Or do you need a nanny / housekeeper to help with the kids so that she has some time for herself and you too?

It’s not about the hours. It’s about her expectations of the relationship you’re both in. As such, what she’s talking to about is just the tip of the iceberg. You might want to think about a mediator to help you have a deeper conversation about needs and expectations. Or get a new wife, which I did.

Also, you should cook, clean, pick up kids from daycare, go to the gym and work on yourself, take her to cooking classes. Welcome to the modern life.

It doesn’t look like a healthy dynamic. Some ideas have already been raised what you can ask her to better understand her motives for bringing this up constantly. But then the question is also, what do you do when you don’t work. Do you spend quality time? Do you really not work or maybe you are constantly on the phone (as P2 apparently was)? In my relationship, we both know it all comes with trade-offs but nothing should be carved in stone. If my wife were to challenge me like yours, I would pull the plug on consulting life but only because I know that she does understand the trade-offs and would ask for an overall re-evaluation. At the end, I married my wife for a reason, not my career.

I work 70 hours a week and travel every week. My husband (who is the one who stays home) realizes that this is what the job is and doesn’t complain, he takes care of our teens and houses and everything needed at home for the last 10 years. I will say though the one ask he has is that when I am home I am present for the kids and him (unless a work emergency). What I am nervous about is when the kids leave the house (one just went to college and the other 2 years behind) and it’s just us…this situation may not be possible then.

45–55 hrs is what I put in.

Now that I’ve answered your question, I’d like to offer some unsolicited advice; hope you’re ok with that …

While she may be expressing dissatisfaction with your long work hours, it’s unlikely that the hours alone are the root cause of her discontent. Relationships are complex, and this could be a sign of deeper issues or unmet needs that have built up over time.

I encourage you to take a step back and objectively assess the dynamics of your relationship. Reflect on the interactions, patterns, and areas where both of you may feel unheard or unsupported. This process may be challenging, as it requires setting aside your own assumptions and biases. If you struggle to see the full picture, seeking professional guidance from a counselor or therapist could provide invaluable clarity and tools for addressing the underlying concerns.

Once you have a better understanding, consider sitting down with her to openly and calmly discuss the future of your relationship. Approach this as a collaborative effort—working together to create a shared vision for your marriage, complete with actionable steps to strengthen your bond. Think of it as building a strategic plan, much like you might for your clients, but this time, the “client” is your partnership. Identifying potential challenges and solutions in advance can help foster understanding and growth.

This kind of proactive approach could make all the difference in helping both of you feel more connected and valued, paving the way for a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

Good luck!

35

60+ hrs weekly. You probably have enough money to go limited, travel way less for work which is prolly like 30% of your hours if not more, AND go and do something else. She should be careful what she wishes for.

My ex felt this way. Could not understand why I was always working or checking emails all the time. We got divorced the year I made partner.

My average is 60+ hours. On a project that is complex based on timing and issues i have worked 80.

I average around 58 a week but some are worse

45-50 with light travel and the occasional international trip.

How much are you working and what does she think it should be?