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He concept of "Having it all" is an illusion. You have to figure out your priorities and stick with with them. Mine are wife/kids, then career, then friends, then hobbies.
Effectively my hobbies almost only things that I also do with my wife or kids and friends are skewed towards hose that also have kids or those that I developed in the neighborhood or parents of other kids in his school.
I'm sitting here with 16 weeks of paternity and (it's an assload of work) I'm having a great time taking care of my son. For all the shit the new generation of workers (millennials) gets I think that accommodating their demand for flexible work arrangements has benefited us all (yes broad generalization I know). Being a working parent is hard. Period. Having this baby has tested my marriage in ways that I never imagined, but I do believe we have more flexibility in this generation than any previous.
Haven't women had this problem for decades? It was, and to some degree continues to be, difficult for women to be moms and have a successful career. In some countries being a woman and having a child is basically crushing your career. Not saying you're wrong about it sucking and I agree that this is newer for men, but it's hardly a new thing overall.
Are you kidding? Boo fucking hoo. I can’t imagine a better time to be a dad.
Sometimes I am more burned out from wife yelling at me and house chores and kids fighting than work, but majority of the time I am equally burned out from both.
Women want successful men, unless they are in the process of become successful (putting in the hours, Learning, stretching) then they make you feel guilty for being away when you have to be away, or if you are trying to maintain somewhat of a social life and any kinds of hobbies. Does anyone else feel this way? If I’m not home by 5, or if I want to Golf, or do something with a friend, or take a trip once a year to Golf or something it’s like a huge issue. And I have yet to travel as a consultant, but now may have to.
My wife is a stay at home mom. The weeks I do travel are basically filled with her texting me about how difficult the baby is being. She never comes out and says it, but the underlying tone is that she thinks I’ve got the easy end of the stick
Well that's between you and your wife and you'll have to work it out one way or another but consulting is very tough with kids. Bring the primary caretaker for the last few weeks has taught me that baby care is no joke so I can see why she wants more of your time.
My wife and I would not both be able to do our jobs so she has chosen to leave hers, but she still wants me to be around so he knows his dad. She does understand that I need to advance my career, especially being the sole income now, but I'm going to have to draw the line with work somewhere. If I can't be around for my kid then I will move on from consulting.
Bottom line, you guys need to figure out what's right for your FAMILY. I don't know shit about your circumstances so take it with a grain of salt, but maybe consider that consulting isn't it and you'll need an exit sooner then you thought?
Sadly, you’re absolutely right OP. I put in 60 hours+ at work every week, sometimes in highly stressful situations. I don’t get much benefit for it when the weekend arrives and we have chores and need to take care of the baby. I think the tide has turned on men for the time being.
What I've discovered is that managing house workload is NOT like managing engagement workload. It requires a ton more sensitivity, consideration, and humility. Not things that come easily to "type-a" consultants. (God I hate that term but all fucking consultants use it). My 3rd kid now is about 2.5, and it's only now are me and my wife finally starting to dissipate resentment that has built up over 7 years of unmet expectations. And what I mean by that is expectation of what my role is and what my wife's role is. Its surprising how this is not talked about explicitly and how we went on assumptions for so long. Another thing I believe is, parenting (esp parenting infants and toddlers) should be built on love, and not tasks although sometimes life can seem like it is. Sounds cliche and shit but everyone likes to receive that love in a different way. Some like acts of service. Others like quality time. It's important to figure how you and your wife want to get it. I'm still trying to adapt to hers. I struggle every day with this. Much more than any work I get paid for. But it's worth it.
EY4 - You are exactly right, my wife prefers time, for sure, and any extra time I may have, is expected that the “my time” is “our time,” that is what is the hardest for me, I can and do compartmentalize my time so I can be efficient in accomplishing the tasks that I set to accomplish, my methods do not always come across the way I intend them to come across. It will take a lot of communication and consideration on my part, to make it all work I think.
I feel you bro ✊🏼
EY1 - Yes some firms have adapted with paternity leave which is true. I’m more talking about how the dynamic of what is expected of us as working Dads, which is a lot more than what it was when my Dad and especially his Dad were new fathers growing their careers. Basically my wife told me if I have to travel I should find a new job, and I have been supporting her while she is going to grad school. I can’t think of another job I could just jump into with the same pay and opportunities, yet. When she gets done with her program, she can work 36 hours a week and make more than what I can make as a manager (which I’m not there yet), so she thinks people that work more than 40 hours a week are “working too much,” but it’s because she has the opportunity for an hourly rate (medical profession) that allows around $175k, and barely working 40 hours per week. And no, I do not want to be a stay at home Dad and be completely dependent. Because when the kids grow up, then you have no work experience for 18 years. I love being a Dad, but I’m at the beginning of my career, and I’m not at the point where I can pursue any better exit ops, I haven’t earned that yet, so that’s where I’m coming from.
I can't afford to be a stay at home dad. Would love to be one though.
You could have chosen a partner with similar expectations to you in terms of domestic management.
You need to make choices with your spouse that will balance everyone's needs. What are you willing to give up to take a pay cut (or at least slow salary growth) in order to be home more?
My wife doesn't travel but works as much as me. It works because we outsource a lot of domestic work. My parents help with watching our son. We spend every weekend at the lake house and have a rule - no work unless it is absolutely critical while there. We also take several vacations together each year. I also take my son on some dad-son trips every year. Yes, I miss bedtime and dinner a lot, but still have a great relationship with my wife and son because when I am home, I am present and engaged.
We all make choices. Because my wife and I talked and made ours together, there is never a fight or guilt. If its not working, we talk and make adjustments, but always recognize it is a choice.
Man this is why working in consulting sucks. Not the hours, not the work. The fact that someone has a hard time and trying to get some solace, but even in an anonymous forum there are assholes saying either "I got this shit figured out, do this don't do that" or other people saying "boo hoo". Listen, it's a tough deal. You are in the business where everyone is a single 26 year old MBA grad who think they know everything and don't have any commitments. The only complaint they have is some roommate who doesn't clean out the hair from the drain. I hear that shit and I'm like, fuckk you. Anyway, all I have to say all of us parents who are consultants feel you. And you need to make some sacrifices that will either endanger your promotion or your family. It's no win. Even though everyone says they got it all figured out, they don't. They are struggling too, but won't admit it. But just be strong and talk to another (real life) parent. It helps amazingly. You got this.
EY4 - Man, that was probably the best response I have had to a post, I can tell it’s from the heart, thanks for sharing.
Agree. EY4 nailed it. Did not mean to imply I have it figured out. Many decision points ahead. I particularly agree that your family vs. working towards the next promotion feels like a constant struggle. Good advice I once received: decide which things family will always win, like birthdays, anniversaries, religious holidays, a certain day or time of the week. I have a friend who is comply unavailable from 8-9pm because he is either FaceTiming his family or at home doing bedtime. Kids remember that you made them more important- even if it seems small they will remember if you tell them and show them.
Venting is it's own reward , good luck!