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Longest dry spell? Single people only!
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Is it a red flag if they’re an associate?
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Absolutely not. Unless they have children together then there is no reason to continue carrying this baggage. Cut it off.
The reason they keep in contact is because they have been on and off for the last 10 years. Meaning it's a pattern that has been happening for at least 10 years.
Right now they are off. Do you want to be there the next time they get back on? Or are you just that confident that you can break a 10 year pattern?
I tell you, too many people think they are the exception and get humbled so fast. Its just best to look at the situation face value and use pattern recognition to best predict what will happen next
Some people think it’s fine, and they should be with others who also think it’s fine. For me, absolutely not. Exes are in the past. If someone I’m talking to is still talking to their ex, no thanks. I’m not doing that. I also don’t entertain the “it’s mature to be friends with an ex” argument. It sounds to me like you think it’s an issue, but you shouldn’t ask them not to be friends with their ex. That’s only going to cause problems and resentment. You can find people who feel the same way as you
Agreed, like should be with like. If you’re not cool with it then you’re not compatible. I’m of the same opinion that talking to any ex outside of an ex that you (1) have kids with, (2) have to work with, and/or (3) have mutual friends is a red flag. It’s a super red flag for that ex to be on and off for years because you might just be another rebound in a decade long pattern of her getting back with ex. But I have some ppl who have no issue with it and have relationship regardless of whether a person speaks with their ex or not.
Definitely a red flag. She doesn't respect herself to leave the guy alone and this guy could interfere with future romantic things. Leave it alone. Keep dating other people though!
It depends. It doesn’t have to be a red flag, but it could be a red flag.
I’m in contact with some of my exes and wish them happy holidays and congratulated them on their weddings and ask how they are doing from time to time…but they live in different continents. My parents are also in contact with some of their exes, who are now business partners, or generally family friends- I know their children.
So…it depends. How often do they interact? Are they flirting during their interactions? Are they secretly hoping to get back together?
Either way, even if it’s not a red flag it doesn’t mean it’s not a personal preference.
As an economist, the answer is that “it depends”. Think at the extremes. On the one hand they could be talking every day and staying emotionally invested. If that’s the case, would you be happy and could they be committing what you need to your current relationship? E.g., is time spent with an ex adversely impacting your relationship such that you and your partner’s needs aren’t being met? If so, contact with an ex is a red flag.
On the other hand, say it’s a courteous bare minimum hello from time to time that maintains a baseline level of amicability. Maybe there was a shared group of friends and it’s essential you get along for risk of being alienated from the group or causing drama.
Then on another hand, say they were married for 20 years and had a kid. Do you expect them to quit cold turkey and cut off all communication that’s not through a judge? Think about that experience from the kid’s perspective.
I personally feel like it shows emotional maturity and trust. I think people who unilaterally establish it as necessarily a red flag are simply showing more of themselves in that they don’t know what those appropriate behaviors and maturity looks like.
The people that go through a purge and delete half their instagram photos are gaslighting themselves and have weak mental. “Seeing my ex is too painful, I need this to move on. Let me pretend it never happened”. It’s like rewriting history. Acknowledge it happened, grow as a person, and move on. Start working on building that next great thing.
You’re making an assumption that I don’t communicate, which I do. The issue isn’t that I don’t know where their line is. It’s that I’ve learned that someone’s stated boundaries and their actual behavior doesn’t match. And FWIW boundaries aren’t about controlling people. They’re about deciding what I am okay with participating in. I am not and would not tell someone to not speak to their ex. I’m saying I’m free to choose not to date someone who does.
Also, being in your 30s doesn’t magically eliminate poor judgment. Two of the three relationships I mentioned were people in their late 30s and early 40s…if someone is okay with a partner who speaks to their ex, that’s their choice and there’s nothing wrong with it. If I don’t want that, that’s my choice. Neither choice is more mature than the other
How long ago did they last break up? I think it’s fine to be in contact with an ex, as long as it’s sporadic and they aren’t hanging out all the time. Being friends/friendly with an ex is usually a good thing
I'm in a similar situation. There's this person I went out with and he was in a polyamorous relationship. I'm not sure when they actually ended things as they still talk to each other every single day. He says it's entirely platonic and they're just checking in with each other now and then. The now and then happens on a daily basis btw.
Yeah you see they are still into each other. Maintaining a platonic dynamic as a way to cope with their feelings.
The fact that she told you this means she‘s still not over him yet however she may have accepted the fact that they are no longer together but still considers him a friend. I wouldn’t jump the gun just yet. Just observe how much she talks to him or about him before you cast any judgment. I think it’s a good sign that she told you on the first date rather than finding out further down the line…..