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I’m a white women, and I am direct. People called me intimidating. Honestly, at some point I just stopped not expecting a pushback, and stopped expecting a respect.
Many women are trying to be likable and respected at the same time. It’s impossible. Go for only one.
I just figured I’ll stop trying to be nice to everyone, and anyone who disrespects me gets a cold shoulder from me.
In practice, what I am trying to do is to always be prepared to speak facts and numbers, and to know my shit better than anyone in this room. And when anyone tells me that “Your communication style could be nicer” I’m saying “I’m not a hundred dollar bill for everyone to like me”.
You will not stop being black or being a woman. Stop focusing on that. Calling people out on their biases will not help either. People will take it as a sign of weakness. Just be the best and respect yourself
Wow this is so true and I needed to hear this. Thank you for laying it out so clearly. What really resonated with me is 1) acknowledging I can never change this dynamic because I will always be a woman in a man's world and 2) stop expecting to be respected. I definitely carry around the expectation that I'll be treated fairly and then inevitably get frustrated when that doesn't happen. I have to just deal with reality on its current terms and go into everything with the mentality you mentioned... it softens the blow and helps me be more prepared.
If you are a leader... it is lonely at the top.. push through.. but if people are just cold and u don't fit maybe consider moving to a different job. People either love or Hate me there is not much in between. So when people don't like me I brush it off and keep doing what I know needs to be done. If they are being mean and bullying that is a different situation. Not being in your situation and not having all information it is hard to speak on it. Maybe talk with a mentor?
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, I too can be really direct and have high expectations, people who dont know me well take it as intimidating or sometimes mean. Asking (not too) personal questions that still maintain leadership boundaries but renind them you’re a person too is helpful - how are you, how was your weekend, how did XYZ meeting go, have you been following XYZ current event, etc. If something’s gone wrong and I need to discuss it with someone, I try and start by addressing the elephant in the room “this might be a tough or uncomfortable convo, but i want you to know that im here because i want a positive outcome for you.” Then asking questions like how did we get here, what were the challenges, can you talk me through your thought process, how would you do it differently now, etc work well. Getting them thinking, talking, feeling and understanding that you’re on their team and want them to succeed. But also putting it back on them, forcing empathy/understanding for your perspective. Ending with, do you have questions for me, is there anything you want me to know that i currently dont. I actually just watched Chris Voss’ Masterclass on The Art of Negotiation and it was incredibly insightful for all types of human interactions, highly recommend!
Depends on where the cold shoulder is coming from - if it is leadership above you - then I think you might want to start looking elsewhere. Especially if they have drastically changed with in the las few weeks.
If it is folks that are your equal or below, this comes with leadership. The question that needs to be ask is, is it the role that folks are struggling with or the person? I have to ask myself on a regular basis to make sure I’m not over reading into things that might not exist in someone’s reality.
Is the pushback coming from process or culture changes that you have to train/share/etc?
I used to be pretty good at poker faces at work. However, I know being remote has caused that skill to become dull.
Is the company big enough for someone outside the group in question to sit in (say they are shadowing you for a few days) and give you some honest feedback about what they are seeing?
What I’m finding in my company that it’s more the content (return to work, bonuses, parking, safety) is the culprit rather than the leader.
I think we all could use a refresher on body language in the business setting.