Are you having enough sex? Honestly, I know I’m not. Between my spouse’s demanding schedule and mine and then taking care of our parental obligations it’s nonexistent. I suggested perhaps we have a planned time but my spouse is about spontaneity. Frankly, is it wrong to want more sleep at this juncture in my life than sex hahaha 😂

For context: Married 20+ years, mid 40s and one teenager with health issues, both of us in demanding, professional jobs.

Sex, joint future plans, and children are the three biggest differences between roommates and married people. The people we know who only have one of the three usually are the ones who are getting divorced. We even know a few who once described their relationship as more like roommates who ended up divorced not longer after. The ones who have all three are the ones, in my experience, that stay together.

Of course, health issues need to be considered, but outside of that reason, sex should be a priority in marriage. For us, it ebbs and flows, but we make it a priority. I just looked at our tracking data and we have average 1.6 times a week over the last five years. It’s a bit less than I would default to and a bit more than she would default to, so it’s probably about right for us at this point in life. While not an official schedule, as you suggested, but we are reasonably guaranteed that it will happen once on the weekend and one time spontaneously during the week (excluding her cycle). There are good weeks (twice this weekend, once already this week and I suspect again tonight) and bad weeks (next week I’ll be gone for work all week, which also means the next two weekends will likely be great 😊).

And yes, we use an app to track, because when it slips, we find there is often times something else going on and we should discuss it to make sure everything is OK. It could be just stress related, so we ask how we can help each other. It could be dealing with kid’s medical issue, so we ask how we can better support each other. It could be traveling for work too much, so we talk about adjustments. It could be that it’s stale, so we talk about trying new things. It could just be a season of less, but it’s better to talk about it to make sure there isn’t an underlying issue.

My advice:
1) Talk about sex. If you can share in life plans, finances, and bring children into the world together, you better be able to talk about sex together. Create separate, safe times to do so, but have the conversation and speak freely, openly, and lovingly about how you feel and ask good questions to make sure you understand how your spouse feels.
2) Prioritize your marriage and sex over your children. Many will disagree with this, but I firmly believe that kids benefit the most from growing up in a family with deeply connected, happy, and invested parents. I’ve seen too many couples prioritize kids over the marriage and two things happen: first, the kid learns that married people are unhappy which has a lasting effect on their future relationships and second, when the kid leaves the nest, there is no marriage left and divorce soon follows. Invest time with your spouse. Talk deeply about goals and dreams. Have fun and laugh together. Vacation alone occasionally. Prioritize having sex. Kids see those behaviors (well, they do not see the sex, but they can tell) and feel like they are growing up in a loving home which they will benefit from so much more than a bit more family income or another activity. Find me a teenager who gets embarrassed because they see their parents are grouping in the kitchen and tell them to get a room or get caught sending dirty texts, and you will have kid of who feels love around them and will have an amazing marriage some day. I know that was true for both me and my wife growing up and it’s what our teen sees at our home.

In a monogamous relationship, sex is the one thing you reserve for only spouse, so get busy, prioritize it, and enjoy it!

I feel bad because my husband who is 4 years my junior is more sexually driven than I am. Most times it feels like a chore but only because I’m tired from the day or just not in the mood. There are times that I really want it but I mostly just listen to my body tell me when it wants sex. On average it’s about 2 times per week

Are you dissatisfied with the amount of sex you are having? Because you also indicate that you may want sleep more than sex which is completely understandable.

The problem with seeking others’ opinions on what is “enough” sex is that it’s highly subjective. My husband and I are not having sex 2x a week and we are good with that. How do I know? We talk about it all the time. We are currently in a stage where sleep is more important. I don’t think this phase will last forever, but we have two young kids and it is what it is. But we also find ways for intimacy without sex. Date nights weekly, vacations alone a couple of times a year. Sometimes we just hide from our kids and take an edible lol (it’s legal here).

There’s a lot of ways to have intimacy outside of sex.

We have been married for the last 2.5 years and blessed with a baby Boy of 1 year old. We have sex monthly once or less and resulted in a lot of understanding issues.

We both are in service with responsible senior roles and our times don't match, our craving times don't match as well , leaving both of us unsatisfied with each other.

Although we understand each other and support in highs n lows of ours, but when it comes to sex that's the scenario.

How often is enough sex?

If only Ashley Madison could protect their data, right?!🥴

My advice, consider laying on the bed at 90 about to die.. and decide whether you’d like to look back at your integrity in sexual faithfulness, or the good times you had. I’m not advocating anything except fulfillment. I’ve got no dog in the fight. Do what’s good for you, as long as it’s right for you. Peace and love to you all.

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Yes, the exponential girls of summer enjoy their involuntary life of leisure

Also, Marti Malmi wrote me a letter on Twitter

I just strip them down 2-3 times a week. I get it 90% of the time I strip down. So it works! 😄

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She rescusew every god dam med kitten

We have sex ~2 times a week which is enough for my wife. The quality is awesome, but I wish the frequency were greater. We both work, have 3 young kids, and are super busy which I get. Happily married 12 years.

Honestly, no. Early 30’s couple, no kids, both of us work and travel for work 10-25% of the time. We have sex like once a month. But everything else is good. We love each other and are good life partners.

We have seasons. Right now we are in a season of 1-2 times per week. Our sweet spot is 3x/week. We barely maintain that so it's typically 2-3x/week. Have a 3 and 4yo, both work FT (both wfh) and life has been LIFING to the fullest. Lost both of our moms in the past year, a grandpa and uncle. So sometimes it was just once per month. But we prioritize communication so we were able to understand and be patient and support eachother. Absent life events, our rhythm typically follows my menstrual cycle's hormonal ups and downs (I'm like a teenage boy around ovulation). Pms week I'm like don't even look at me but I'll put out out of duty. 🤷‍♀️