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Dad always sides with his mom and yells or just says all this stuff to my mom that is unreasonable and downright annoying. He always adds additional work on her plate when he randomly invites people over to est without their being food for them all and expects her to put stuff together. She works just as much if not more than him, when hes back from work he'll do little things or go to the gym and then just sit around watching tv while my mom then has to slave away feeding his mom and cooking for everyone. On top of that he doesn't appreciate or lessen her load ever, he just goes off and listens to whatever his mom says. I feel awful for my mom and I'm always with her but I'm not sure how to put sense into my dad, he just gets pissed off if we say anything to him.
Thanks all. This definitely does happen way too often and i'm not quite sure why that's the case 🙄
Are male or female, if female use yourself as an example for him. Ask would you want my husband to treat me like this? Show him what’s wrong with what he’s doing—- unfortunately men in many of our culture don’t know what’s wrong or right. What he’s doing is not motivated by Islam. It’s cultural (probably desi). If he is religious then it will be easier to get him to understand because there’s sooooooo much emphasis on the best treatment of your wife,,, the beat among you is the best to his wife says our Prophet. My husband often has to correct himself by remembering these things. If he’s not religious then use the society card. Do you want mom to look a certain way? Then help her. Do you want others wives to be in better position than yours? Etc., sound silly but you have to figure out what motivated him. It can also be, do you want (add person here) to be active or lazy? If active encourage them to do their own shit.. etc., if it’s money, status, whatever motivates him. This late in the game, there’s probably no romantic feeling left so you will have to use strategy to get your father to treat your mom with more respect. Because that’s what it comes down to, respect.
Way too common in the average south Asian household 😩 I’d say it’s too late to change anyone! Just be as supportive as you can for your mom and be her rock and refuge. At least when she comes to you, she should get the best treatment she deserves
“It’s not motivated by Islam, it’s a Desi (cultural) thing” what a load of nonsense. It’s an individual thing. It has nothing to do with culture or religion.
D1, I'm a female. And I don't think making sure my mom is not being taken advantage of is the same thing as this mommas boy problem
He always just wants to play the big brother of his family role and look out for his mom and siblings but doesnt look again and how he's treating his own wife. Islamically yes you have to serve your mom, but he should be doing that. Not putting all the burden on my mom. On top of that he doesnt understand how to keep his own wife happy and serving his mom as separate islamic duties he has
Yeah my mom always vents to us kids to complain and get it out, but she knows things wont change since my dad has always been like this. If we say anything and he just gets super mad and takes it out against us. I dont think my mom wants to start something big up with it and just lives with it now because maybe 10 years ago he brought up separating too, which ofc she doesnt want.
This happens way too often (from what I’ve seen personally in my community as well).
Like L1 said, try and talk to your dad, remind him that the Prophet PBUH used to help around the house (in a nice way etc).
You can also step up and help your mom more and show her support etc (assuming you’re home with them).
It looks to me you are here to just vent/whine and have no plans to take action. In that case, we all sympathize with you and hope your mom or your dad for that matter comes to their senses on their own. You have all my sympathy and glad wishes.
Was in a similar situation. Except that my grandmother was nice and agreed dad had an attitude problem. Also, mom in addition to doing housework, also provided more financial support than dad.
We leveraged family support and separated them. Mom doesn't like it, but knows it's the best of the worst. Younger siblings feel better mentally.
PWC1 lost me on the mention of Desi culture. I refuse to acknowledge your post as rational advice if you blame culture for a person being an ass.
Have you talked to your mom. How does she feel? Does she not speak up? You should encourage her to do so. Does she drive? She should visit her friends and make plans outside the house. Perhaps do something nice for her. I think when you witness something that is not fair you should have the courage to respectfully speak up as well. It’s not the way we have been raised so I understand it is very hard. Good luck
You should try to have a serious rational conversation with your dad and simply tell him this is unacceptable. You underestimate the power you have. Try it. It will work
Agree with Lenovo1
Thanks all. Thing is I feel like my dad thinks hes doing the right thing by caring so much for his mom and thinks that is the proper way to be a Muslim. Hes also the type to just not take heed or listen to any of what we say as his kids, because of course what do we know. When he was complaining and yelling at my mom for her rice being not soft enough, which it was perfectly normal rice but too hard for my aging grandma who really cant eat normal food much at all anymore, I told him the rice is perfectly fine. His argument, I dont know anything. So I'm not sure what he will really pay attention to without feeling attacked
Aww look at you! Momma's boy!!
Pwc1 gave the best advice. No one said it’s easy but worth a start
Pwc1 needs help there, or to be specific her husband where he feels it’s necessary to refer to religion when deciding what’s the right thing to do.