{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Have you ever lied about your salary? Because friends were making more or less? I told my partner I made a certain amount when we were just friends but now we're seriously dating and I can't keep up with pretending I'm making 270k. I'm barely netting 80k. Should I come clean? Or try and find a job that would give me more?", "post_id": "61afb882e8207c00354eb9bd", "reply_count": 100, "vote_count": 40, "bowl_id": "55375ce690f5eebe1d2a0f88", "bowl_name": "Tech" }

Have you ever lied about your salary? Because friends were making more or less? I told my partner I made a certain amount when we were just friends but now we're seriously dating and I can't keep up with pretending I'm making 270k. I'm barely netting 80k. Should I come clean? Or try and find a job that would give me more?

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Lots of great responses! You have to come clean, that's for sure, or you won't have a peaceful life. With all being said, I'd add the following: 1. Making 80K isn't something that's terrible or to be embarrassed about it, as there are plenty of people out there making less than that. And you have the opportunities to make more in the years ahead. So it's not the end of the world for making 80K at the moment. 2. And while 270K sounds nice, the gap between the two isn't impossible to close. So try to find a job that makes more, say, 100K to 150K range, it's very possible, especially if you are willing to work hard for a year or two to really earn it. You can also "kick yourself in the butt" by taking a second job at night or weekends, to add more money to the total figure. So you could be in a position that even though it's less than 270K, but the gap isn't that big, so the "mental blow" or shocking effect won't be that huge when you finally tell the numbers. 3. Now, the most important part, you can come clean "gradually": you'll tell him/her after you have landed a new higher paying job than 80K, and you tell him/her that you now make less than what you claimed 270K before, but you will work hard to increase the income in the years to come. If the gap is smaller than the current gap, he/she might take it not as a big shock or blow. But of course you will also have to confess the lie when you finally come clean with him/her. 4. Finally, you will have to change to be an honest person, for everything you say and everything you do, with him/her, and with everything and everyone else. That's one's ethic and very fundamental. Never try to put up a façade or lie about anything, and only that will lead you a better life ahead. Good luck!

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Thanks G3! I've already started looking for new positions to show her I am serious about being with her, and will work hard to close that gap.

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Telling from my personal experience, I will say that come clean and tell her what u make before u both get serious and move to the next phase of ur relationship. When I was introduced to a girl by a family friend and we started dating and later got engaged, I told her what I made at my job before I proposed as I thought that is the right thing to do. Fast forward to a few months after marriage, when we were having our first argument about our finances, she revealed that the family friend who introduced us bloated my salary (without asking me) to give an impression that I make atleast 20% more than wht I actually made then. Sure it was not a big difference overall, somewhere around $15K more that my actual pay, but she felt somewhat betrayed at the time as she thought I had told our common friend to bloat my salary. Sure it did not affect her decision to say yes to me and get married, but that pay thing did stick in back of her mind like a thorn which she would at times bring up during any financial argument we had in the first 3 years of marriage. It took her more than 3 years to get over it but she still jokingly brings it up. Mine was just 15K, yours is more than 3 times ur actual pay. So take this as a warning and bring ur actual pay up as early as possible .

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Come clean. If you continue to lie, it will just snowball and get worse. Before I moved in with my partner, we talked about all our finances. Every couple may approach finances differently, but budgeting for a life together is pretty important..

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Thanks for sharing the resource SFSE1

Let me know when you find a job that jumps from 80 to 270 😂😂

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Crypto?? Lol idk, I might have to just come clean.

funny

Are you George Costanza? Because this reads like a Seinfeld episode

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I've joked to myself that this sounds like a badly rated, B-list romcom.

Alright, everyone, thank you for your feedback! So, I'm coming clean this weekend. Will keep you guys posted on how this goes. I really appreciate your thoughtful responses and insights. Fishbowl is such a great community!!

likeuplifting

Fake it till you make it 😂

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Lol I cant! We're talking about moving in together

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😂😂

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Lol I'm glad my pain is brightening up your day 😂

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Lol I'm laughing but I'm actually terrified 😅

No but I make 300k and never told my partner. She knows I make good money but she is a doctor making 3 times less (yurope).

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Boy did I get in the wrong field, I'd study engineering if I could do it all again lol

All lies are found out eventually. Don’t do her a disservice by lying. Her reaction will speak volumes.

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What would your reaction be? I don't want her to leave me but I would if someone had been lying to me for so long.

Just come clean. Honestly if they're only into you for the money then you can do better. On a separate related note, I never tell employers anymore what I make. If they insist on salary verification or some nonsense I point out they wouldn't share their confidential payroll information with me, so it's only fair that I keep that same data confidential. Sometimes this means that I walk away from job opportunities, but it's always served me well in the end.

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I agree with you G1, she's a great person and this would be devasting to her but I think I can still put in the effort to rebuild trust.

Loving how thoughtful and objective this thread is. Good job community! Tough spot to be in for sure. Honesty all the way. Finding someone to love you who for who you are end-to-end is the best.

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She fell in love with a mix of your false narrative and you. Not the same. Best of luck with taking that next step towards complete honesty.

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Damn 😂 now THIS is a pickle

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Come out clean ASAP!

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You've got to come clean if you want to move forward. The lying is (or should be) the larger problem vs the money. Get a plan together first for your own personal growth and keep looking for a better job. You'll have a few areas of trust y'all will need to work on so you can start building on trust instead of lies. She'll need to trust you'll be honest even when it's hard, and you'll need to trust that she'll try to be supportive and overcome the hard stuff when you are honest. Long term, continuing to lie to her is going to leave you both hurt.

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I love this —> "It's also for you to trust you're changing and reminding yourself you're capable of it. Worst case scenario she doesn't want to move past this, at least you are still moving forward for yourself so you'll be in a much better spot next time around." This is sooo true!

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Oh, come clean on that. That's a huge discrepancy. The amount of stress you must have around splitting checks and stuff must be horrible. I remember downplaying how much I made to my partner, until we had a random conversation where I mentioned my art sales per month (on top of my salary) and he stopped me, did the math and said, "You make loads more than me!" He played if off as it didn't matter but it really hurt his ego as he was a software engineer. It was one of the nails in the coffin for that relationship. Just be honest - it saves time and emotional investment.

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Random but you sell digital art on Etsy? My girlfriend does too, would love some pointers if you're up for it.

Is there a follow up on this yet. Honestly we are all waiting for part 2!

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I think you need to ask yourself if he loves you, or your paycheck. No solid relationship can be based on dishonesty so you better come clean before he tries to buy a home with you!

smart

I guess my though is that I've been lying for so long, borrowing loans, and trying to do side hustles to make up for it.

Let's take a step back, what made you feel you had to lie in the 1st place? How have you been using these loans? Has your SO based their finance on their understanding of what you make previously? This is important because it's telling about the dynamics between you and the expectations set.

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Nah, you're right. My insecurities have been dictating my professional and personal life and I'm really trying to break out of that. Apart form therapy, any suggestions on resources that could help? Idk where to start, I've been like this for so long.

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Oh god how awkward. Tragic,honestly.

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